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Monday, April 30, 2012

GAY DEEP THROAT JOHN IS GIVEN FREE LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP TO THE BETTE MIDLER SPA AND BATHS!

As soon as word hit the street that  Kitchens and More was employing a "Yogi Bear-assed" baritone who wished to be known as Gay Deep Throat John; the phone just would (wood?) not stop ringing. We have also seen a noticeable increase in foot traffic by the more...shall we say "colorful" crowd. Honestly, yesterday there were enough lisp's wandering around to fill a Pride parade in downtown 'Frisco. I heard our tool department experienced a run on Gorilla Tape because, and I quote but cannot explain, "it's the best for holding down a 'tuck between' on dancing nights". Anyhow, this is all due to Gay John adding Deep Throat to his nickname. John himself is oblivious to what's going on. A guy who referred to himself as Toothless Frank Clap Spreader followed John around all day saying over and over "fifties and hundreds over here fifties and hundreds me boy" until his voice gave out and he left. One weird looking little guy with green and pink stripes in his hair gave John a Blue Oyster Bar Forever! T-shirt and whispered in awe "you are my hero". Our very own Rick Palmsundaybrook asked John to sign a pair of ass less black leather chaps (Rick insists they are for his very progressive Reverend). G.D.T. John walks around with this "gee whiz" grin thinking all this attention is due to his stupid announcements and not the fact that calling oneself Gay Deep Throat John might attract RuPaul devotees and newly released prison bitches with a taste for sodomy as commerce (a Do-Rag wearing Queen named Rudy Dee said John looked worth "two cartons of Kools and a Pop Rocks Enema). John winced when he heard that but started walking a little prouder. Honest.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

GAY JOHN NOW WISHES TO BE CALLED "DEEP THROAT"

All hail the fragile male ego of Gay John. A man so abused by life that one little complement from a nine year old girl sent his head spinning off to Wonder Land. Gay John came down to the appliance department, here in Kitchens and More, apparently with the express wish of aggravating all (wish fulfilled) when he decided it was time to make a store announcement. So the Gay One hooks himself up to the P.A. system (First he had to run scales with his voice. The pretentious Bastard.) Anyway, once he deemed his voice to be properly warmed up, he began to speak. He made his announcement (something about saving his ass, please help, if you can. I wasn't really listening.) and this cute little girl, certainly no older than nine and possibly as young as six (I don't have any kids. They all look the same.) complemented John on his voice. He thanked her and patted her on the head before offering his autograph to her. She declined by saying "Get real, Pancake!" (?) and skipping off to her mother. That should have been the end of it. A chagrined Gay John should have shuffled out and along with his head down, but no, not him, not (Broadway) Gay John! The delusional tap dancer actually launched into a remarkably long, rambling story about how for years he was a highly regarded Carnival Barker. Who gives a shit right? I know. John said he has always been aware of his "rich,beautiful,luxorious and resonant baritone" and thought that if it were not too much trouble he'd like to be known from here forward as Deep Throat. Once I recovered from my laughing fit I said "No you don't you fucking idiot". John is too young and un-read to know about Watergate or Linda Lovelace. So after I explained these things to him he actually seemed to ponder for a moment before saying "OK how about Gay Deep Throat John"?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

SHADY GREG NOW PRACTICES CANINE PROCTOLOGY FOR FREE!

Shady Greg, perhaps the sickest salesman slinging shit (now literally) in the country has added proctology to his personal list of Gross-Out hobbies. Yes, hobbies. Shady Greg is now practicing canine proctology (procto-ing a dogs ass, I guess) for free. The Shady One apparently so enjoys his new hobby that he is advertising with neighborhood flyer's." Is your dogs anus too tight? Does your little REX or SPOT need a good fisting? Should little FLUFFY have her poop - hand examined - by an interested adult? Yes, PLEASE! Seriously, bring me your pet (dogs and lizards accepted. no cats. well, maybe a TOMCAT or two) and I, GREG THE ANAL-MAN, shall examine its poopershoot for free !Also I get to keep what I find!) ". It then goes on with Greg's phone number and a picture of a Pomeranian smiling (yes smiling) while a hand holding a pink dildo does the un-speakable to the poor little guy. Thankfully, the police have been notified and with his previous record (Two years for transporting an underage llama across state lines ) he should be put out of business soon.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

THE TRUTH BEHIND SHADY GREG'S FIRST MARRIAGE!

To better understand how the Shady One got to be as cynical and deranged as he is, I share the following true story, which he himself told me late one night when he had been drinking on the job, eyes bleary, vomit on his shoes (Which had at first caused Greg to scream "Where the fuck did the corn come from? I haven't had any corn!") dribble on his chin. Shady told me that before he found his current and "Glorious" wife he had been previously married. I asked him what caused the first marriage to collapse and, words slurring greatly, he relayed this story: I was finishing the worst shift of my life. All my customers had been assholes, i had been hammered with returns and was ending my shift $3200 in the hole. On my way home I got t-boned by some stupid, high teenager with no insurance. My car was smashed in on the passenger side now and I had only bought it the week before. Needless to say I was pissed! So I drive home, and have to park it in the driveway because my garage door opener was on the fritz. Anyhow, I get out of my car and through an open upstairs window I hear my then wife moaning. At first, as I stood there, The moaning was soft and could have meant she was injured or something. As I made my way to the front door though her moaning grew in intensity and was punctuated with little "Oh Baby"s and "Come on"s and shit. I burst through my front door and stopped at the bottom of my stairs. There, I stood for a second, hereing my wife moan and scream and swear in ecstacy like she had never done for me. I told myself she was  masturbating. She COULDN"T  be cheating on me. Not me damnit! But deep down I knew she was. With my wife beginning to yell "FUCK ME HARDER! FUCK ME HARDER!" I charged up the stairs and kicked open our bedroom door. And there she was. On the bed. My best friend fucking her from behind. I cursed my wife "You Bitch! You Whore! You Slut!" then I turned to my best friend and I screamed "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!".

Sunday, April 15, 2012

SHADY GREG AND HIS GUILTY CONSCIOUS!

Shady Greg has a very guilty conscious. Sometimes just saying hi to Greg will elicit a very funny response. One time Shady was kneeling in front of  a broom closet and I said "What's up, Greg?". He turned quickly and half screamed "I've never sucked a cock in my life!". Another time He was leaning against a wall, eyes half closed, small smile tugging at his lips and I said "what's up, Greg?". His eyes opened wide and he half screamed "I"ve NEVER sucked a cock in my life!". This other time Greg was trying to sell a dishwasher to a customer and the customer asked "How much is installation?" Greg shoved the customer and yelled "I've never sucked a cock in my life!". So just the other day Greg was walking in and and our manager said "Hi Greg. How was your weekend" and with an embarrassed  face Greg said "I've NEVER swallowed!"

Saturday, April 14, 2012

THE REAL GREG

Greg is a fucking retard who plays with cardboard boxes at work pretending that they are accordions, hamburgers, binoculars or a dozen other things retarded 50 year olds find amusing. So all this time we thought he was shady we were wrong. I mean he is shady but he is mostly retarded. Greg see's a young chick walk by and he says "Sure she has saddlebags but I'd fuck her horse!". So he is a sick retard as well. Greg farts and says "Sorry just thinking out loud". Every time! Greg puts VISINE on his dick. Why? So he never gets a "Red Eye". Fucking retard. Every time he burps he says "Tastes like chicken". Every time! If he has to take a dump he announces "Hey it's time to go drop the kids off at the pool" and if he needs to pee he announces "Time to salt the slug and watch it shrivel" which doesn't even make sense except for the FACT that he's a fuckin' retard! Greg opened up a stapler and told those of us unfortunate enough to be trapped on the floor with him that it was a stapler puppet. "Would you like to talk to my stapler?" he asked me. I growled that he should leave me the fuck alone before I snapped his neck. The moron stuck the stapler in my face and sang in some sort of faggy Kermit voice "Lookie Lookie Lookie a bad mood gets no cookie cookie cookie". I stuffed Greg  and his puppet (Bitey) into a dryer. A minute later a strangled faggy Kermit voice from inside the dryer sang "Nobody understands the trouble I've seen..." I turned the dryer on and walked away.
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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

FESTIVAL PLANNED AS SHADY GREG WALKS 1,000,000 CUSTOMER!!!

So often this blog focuses on the shadier aspects of Shady Greg without pausing to look at the actual accomplishments of the man himself. Today that will change. Less than an hour ago the Shady One walked a pair of lesbians in absolutely grand fashion, and he did this, not on his home court of Appliances (where he is most comfortable at walking customers) but on the foreign soil of Lawn and Garden. Some people might think it is easier to walk someone in a department that you are not familiar with. Not true! It is actually harder for most salespeople because, we (The good salespeople) actually want the customers to have a positive experience here at Kitchens and More, we want the customer to leave happy so we go out of our way to get them the information they seek or the help they need. Not Shady Greg. No, the Shady One does not care for or about customers. Yes, he wants their money, but a pick pocket has better people skills than Greg. So when the lesbian couple stopped Greg and asked him for help it should come as no surprise that he tried to feign a heart attack. He clutched his chest, fell to his knees, and said "aarrhhhhggggg! I'm coming to join you ...What was that chicks name from Sanford and Son. You know, when Red Foxx would say ' I'm coming to join ya baby'...'This is the big one honey'...You can't remember either, eh? Oh well...Arrrrrgggghhghgg". Then his head dropped to the floor, he closed his eyes and lay there for about two minutes until one of the lesbians (The incredibly pissed off and offended lesbians) kicked him and screamed for him to get up and help them. Shady grudgingly got to his feet and said "All right. What do you need?". Lesbian #1 (Both lesbians were named Patty) said "We would like to purchase a Lawn Tractor, please". To which Greg responded "$1500 is a lot to spend for a vibrator... What? Not even a smile? OK. How about this, A lawn tractor? How about giving men a chance? Nothing? Fine. Last try. A lawn tractor? How about just using scissors? Your kind are supposed to love scissoring!".  Lesbian #2, or Patty #1, kicked Greg so hard between the legs he went from Balls to Ball (one big lumpy blue ball). The Patty's left and Shady Greg had officially walked his 1,000,000 customer. Way to go Shady.

Monday, April 9, 2012

COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE TRUE?

The latest rumour to swirl around the sales floor here at Kitchens and More is a really, really sick and twisted one. This is perhaps the grossest thing I have ever heard of, and I can only pray that it is not true. I share this  tidbit of slimy trash only because it amazes me how depraved our existence can be. Anyway brace yourselves and here goes : With their significant others out of town on Easter Sunday, Gay John and Shady Greg got together for beer and pizza (this has not been confirmed but certainly sounds believable so far). Alledgedly, around 6 pm with the Sun still blazing brightly and the better part of a case of Sam Adams drained the two perverted Sicko's decided to make a video. A video they could send in to "Americas funniest home videos". One they hoped would win them first prize. I have not seen this video. I am not positive it exists. My sources, however, are impeccable and the two degenerates in question seem likely so... The video suposedly shows Gay John remove his pants, underwear, socks, and shoes and wander outside to sit on the curb. Both Gay and Shady are said to be giggling hysterically, sipping their beers as John begins to lather his dick (yes his dick) with 100% pure honey. He then leans his head back like a sunbathing Satyr leering wildly, moaning loudly as a cute little Pekinese puppy named Fluffy (who's owned by a 7 year old Jerrys kid) licks the honey off of him and Shady yells "Stay in the frame!". Apparently this continues until Gay John yells "Heel" and, ironically enough, FACIALS a LAP DOG! Before the screen fades black Shady Greg is said to shout "Let's try peanut butter next".

SHADY GREG DUE TO GO POSTAL!

Shady Greg, that lovable lug who we all love...who am I kidding? Just because Shady Greg is losing his grip on his all ready shaky sanity and most likely will go postal any day now; I can't say we all love him. Shady Greg is of course, shady. He is also evil,despicable,sneaky,snaky,snarky,snotty, and shit speaking. Loathsome. Terrible. Backstabbing. Two faced. WOW! Sorry,  thought I was done describing Greg and I was just getting started. Smelly. Satanic. Hellish. Mud crawling. Pit loving. Sorry. Get me started and it's hard to stop. Anyhow, Shady Greg is acting crazier every day. As you all know Shady is a salesman. Most sales people expect to see customers on a daily basis. Not Greg. Not any longer. Now when a customer walks into the store (Kitchens and More here in lovely downtown *******,Mi) Greg freaks out. A lady approached Shady yesterday and he nearly jumped through the ceiling, squealing like a little girl. The woman apologized and asked Greg for help and Greg hissed (yes hissed) at her "Lady get away from me you're freaking me the fuck out! And get that snake off your foot before he swallows it!". OK Greg didn't actually say that thing about the snake but he could have. That's how crazy he is acting. It's like he doesn't see customers anymore even when they are right in front of him. Then when they speak to him he jumps and shrieks and generally just freaks out. He got so bad on Saturday that he wound up sitting in the corner of the sales floor, knees pulled up to his chest, cigarette in mouth (Greg had never smoked in his life. Now he usually has 3 or 4 going on the floor at once! Totally against the rules and all social decorum) mumbling about bats and giraffes (who the fuck ever puts bats and giraffes together except a fucking wacko?). Anyhow I figure Shady is going to walk into work any day now and just start blasting. I would like to get on his good side so that I don't get shot but it's probably too late for that. Besides, how do you get on the good side of a chain smoking, sale stealing, animal hallucinating, sweat dripping, snake hissing, recognizable wacko hiding in corners? Approach from the front, slowly, wearing subdued colors and offering Marlboro's? What the Hell. Worth a shot. A try.. worth a try!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

SHADY GREG VOTES FOR HIMSELF ON DWTS!

Shady Greg, in a pathetic attempt to make something of his life, has begun voting for himself on Dancing with the Stars. It may have dawned on some of you that Shady Greg is not a star, is not a has been, is not even a might have been. Shady is not on DWT-FUCKING-S because Shady is a never gonna be. Shady was on stage once in his life. He was nine. He played a tree. The tree did not move. The tree did not speak. The tree just stood there. More accurately, the tree was just supposed to stand there. The tree moved. The tree moved to the front of the stage. The tree peed its trunk. Everyone laughed. After 17 years of fruitless therapy Shady has changed that humiliating childhood memory to a positive. He now remembers that moment fondly. He now tells the story as if he was supposed to pee his bark. He says it was to demonstrate the need for watering your lawn. There wasn't even supposed to be a tree in the stupid play since it was called "Me and my body". Shady simply could not remember his line for being an amino acid. His line was "I am a amino acid. I am important to digestion." To stupid to remember that, and with the school rule that all children must have a part in the play, the teacher made Greg a tree. He made himself a self watering tree. Now Shady sits at home, in the dark, rubber gloves and lotion on the table beside him, and watches DWTS. He pretends Edyta Slavinski is his partner (She is no longer on the show. So Shady gets to design her outfits. In his mind.). Shady and Edyta dance and dance and then they make love. Len gives them a five. Carrie Ann, however, gives them a ten. Bruno masturbates. Greg and Carrie Ann make love. Then Greg and Len have make up sex. Len criticizes Greg for poor posture but scores it a seven (one point having been deducted for "too short a routine"). Then Greg gets online ands votes for himself. He votes for himself roughly a hundred times a night. Basically, just emailing the DWTS website hoping against hope that a producer from the show will call him and say "Due to overwhelming demand we must have you on the show". Then Greg watches the nightly news, and strangely, he votes for himself.

GAY FREAKIN' JOHN BACKSTABS IN THE WALLET!

Gay John, the pathetic putrid poppet of pansy personification, has hammered heavily, hitting hip level at my wallet. The former Mr. Nice Guy has turned evil. With no sense of humor, Gay John decided to do a return of a $170 battery charger against me. Why? So that I would lose my commission! Even more dastardly is the FACT that this was an even exchange. That means had it all been done under my sales number I would lose nothing. John did it under his number in an attempt to steal money. However, because Gay John has the mental capacity of a hamster he didn't realize two important things : 1.) I am too smart to be had by a smiling swindler smarmily schmoozing suckers who's supposedly shooting straightforward so he successfully sinks sweeties suckered by shit-talking smoothies singing sour sap. 2.) He does not make commission! Stealing from me is merely spiteful.
OK sorry. He had an excuse. He pleaded stupidity to me and I believe him. So Ignore above post.