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Saturday, September 29, 2012

SHADY GREG EATS ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VIAGRA ON DARE- WIFE, BOTH DOGS AND NEIGHBORS CAT ALL NOW LIVING IN WOODS!

Yes, the weird, bizarre and downright disgusting saga of Shady Greg continues to worsen on an almost daily basis. Shady Greg, formerly the dick less wonder, successfully underwent a cock transplant ( sort of successfully. The drugged up Witch Doctor actually transplanted a Rooster above the Shady One's balls. So he now has a feather less "Cock". The rooster was dead during the transplant, only to be resurrected afterward. So Shady Greg actually has a feather less Zombie Cock for a cock). Anyhow, Shady's Zombie Cock "wakes up" at dawn, "Crows" (I am trying not to be gross) and then curls up for slumber until the next dawn. So in Shady"s pants every morning is a true Dawn of the Dead! (sorry. couldn't resist.) Most people are not looking for sex at six in the morning; so needless to say, Greg's new cock had not seen any real duty (I say real duty because the Shady One had taken it for a test run himself. A test run when Greg had truly Choked the Chicken! [real sorry. couldn't resist.]). Anyhow, because Greg couldn't get any action at six in the morning, he went to see his doctor (Doctor Muzambo The Zambian Witch Doctor) to get some advice. Doctor  Muzambo had a head to shrink and couldn't be bothered so to rid himself of Shady he told him to eat some Viagra and see what happens. Shady took this as a dare. "Eat some Viagra. SOME! Well I'll show him. I'll eat a whole lot of Viagra!" So the idiot Shady went home and got out his Polygamist sized bottle of Viagra ( Shady got Viagra after seeing a commercial of a man and woman playing in the yard and thought to himself-Hey I should order me some of those pills because I have always wanted to learn how to throw a football-Shady is an idiot). Shady dumped six pills into his hand, popped them in his mouth and chewed. "Tastes like dick" he thought to himself and popped another six into his mouth. Shady wound up swallowing 27 Viagra over the course of roughly five minutes. Shady felt slightly more alert but nothing else. "These pills are a rip off!" the Shady One thought until he realized his cock was in big can of corn and he was pumping furiously.  Minutes later Greg had straddled a Swanson frozen game hen, box of stuffing in his hand, humping hard and screaming "Whose your daddy, BITCH!?! WHOSE YOUR FUCKING DADDY?". By the end of an hour Shady Sex Maniac Greg had destroyed dinner, fucked a gravy boat, screwed a pop up barnyard book and permanently soiled not one but two Ducks Unlimited down jackets. And that is just the beginning of Greg's ORGY O' MADNESS. I would love to tell you all the rest of it, but having recently sold the rights to this, I guess you'll just have to wait for the movie. (we are hoping to sign Meryl Streep to play Shady and the Octo-mom to play his cock).

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

WELCOME TO ALL MY NEW CHINESE READERS FROM CHINA NOT ALL MY OLD CHINESE READERS FROM TORONTO

Please, don't get me wrong, I still like my old Chinese readers from Toronto-It's just that in one freaking day I got dozens upon dozens of new readers from China! To my new Chinese readers I would like to say "Ming ping li zing dim sun chopsticks ling ling ping pong duck" (Welcome. Unisex haircuts. Bad pants. Duck.). Anyhow, I hate freakin' communism and shit and over population and one child laws (as opposed to common sense and birth control and shit) and I am not a big fan of cheap gumball machine prizes. Also, I have to point this out, but for a people who want to be recognized as a technologically advanced society; and it is atleast 1500 years after its invention, why can't you people just admit that the fork beats the shit out of chopsticks anyday? Whatever. Welcome to all the new readers and I hope to entertain you all and stuff but I must warn you that this blog now has a bit of a Pro-Zambia slant (and a big shout out to the Zambia Genocides for their undefeated season!) which is simply unavoidable due to my HUGE Zambian readership. If you would like a more Pro Mao slant then get some family members to visit this blog. Xie xie ni.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

SHADY GREG ATTEMPTS IMAGE CHANGE TO RUGGED GREG LINCOLN

I personally have never felt sorrier for a fellow human being than I feel for Shady Greg at this moment. Shady is a tall, gangly, nebbish, dick less (literally. Dick less.) balding Swedish Hungarian of Polish descent or an evil Nazi experiment gone horribly wrong. Either way, he has always been consistent. Consistently terrible, but consistent. Today, however, Greg threw us for a loop by showing up for work (amazing all on its own since he is the KING of phoning it in) dressed almost all in black-Black cowboy hat, black denim shirt, black denim jeans with black belt and huge silver belt buckle shaped like a sea horse (?) and pink Crocs that he bought at a garage sale for a buck (he loves the fucking things). What made me feel so sorry for him though was his face. As much as his face resembles that of a make-up less clown fighting his way out of a coma while trying to remember how to speak; at least it's Greg's face. Today, however, Shady showed up with an anemic Chihuahua humping his chin. "Hey Shady! Did you rub glue all over your face and then ask your wife to shave her legs over it?", asked Jimmie. Greg glared at Jimmie and responded with this gem: " Yeah? Well, your face. Hardy hardy hardy ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  Hardy Hardy Ha!"- Because Greg is an idiot. Anyhow, we all kind of just stared at the almost fuzzy chin of Shady Greg as he attempted to walk like John Wayne to the front of the appliance department and announced "Howdy Pard ners! Y'all can jes call me Rugged Greg Lincoln". We laughed at Shady until our stomachs hurt and he crawled crying crooked tears to his hiding spot next to the Boys TOUGHSKINS jeans rack mumbling to himself how much he liked his "Lincoln Beard" and waited for Lona to come over and piss in his mouth.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

SHADY GREG AND THE CASE OF THE YOGURT COVERED DICK!

Shady Greg, the Jack-Ass Idiot with a heart of slime, continues to defy  normalcy. His latest tale of fucked up woe is as bizarre as I've ever heard here at Kitchen's and More. Let's start at the beginning. At least as near to the beginning as we can get. One fine day Greg was eating yogurt covered pretzels on the sales floor and thought to himself that if his dick was covered in yogurt he would get more blowjobs. Two problems with this idea right off the start: 1). Greg married a Jewish woman. How much head is she going to give when she won't even put pork in her mouth! Besides, they've been married a long time and after the first five years blowjobs become as rare as Pink Unicorns. 2). Shady Greg has no actual DICK. He wears a homemade contraption in place of a dick that accepts screw-in tools like mini-weedwhackers and magnifying glasses and other weird things that help Shady feel slightly more masculine walking around dickless. So that day Shady had a frozen earthworm in his pants (he planned on fishing after work) and decided to test his yogurt dick blowjob theory. He coated his earthworm in cherry vanilla yogurt and then squatted over a bottom freezer dangling his dripping stuff into the freezer hoping it would freeze the yogurt quickly. Shady could have just unscrewed the frozen earthworm without having to drop his pants around his ankles and squatting over a showroom floor bottom freezer but Shady is an exhibitionist Sick Fuck. Anyhow, without dragging this out any further than it needs to be, long story short and everything, Greg's yogurt covered earthworm of a dick is the whole reason Gay John wound up with a crazed walleye trying to force its way down his throat! And before any pissed off Jewish women angrily contact me, let me state for the record that I'm sure some of you are wonderful cocksuckers.