Sunday, April 29, 2012
GAY JOHN NOW WISHES TO BE CALLED "DEEP THROAT"
All hail the fragile male ego of Gay John. A man so abused by life that one little complement from a nine year old girl sent his head spinning off to Wonder Land. Gay John came down to the appliance department, here in Kitchens and More, apparently with the express wish of aggravating all (wish fulfilled) when he decided it was time to make a store announcement. So the Gay One hooks himself up to the P.A. system (First he had to run scales with his voice. The pretentious Bastard.) Anyway, once he deemed his voice to be properly warmed up, he began to speak. He made his announcement (something about saving his ass, please help, if you can. I wasn't really listening.) and this cute little girl, certainly no older than nine and possibly as young as six (I don't have any kids. They all look the same.) complemented John on his voice. He thanked her and patted her on the head before offering his autograph to her. She declined by saying "Get real, Pancake!" (?) and skipping off to her mother. That should have been the end of it. A chagrined Gay John should have shuffled out and along with his head down, but no, not him, not (Broadway) Gay John! The delusional tap dancer actually launched into a remarkably long, rambling story about how for years he was a highly regarded Carnival Barker. Who gives a shit right? I know. John said he has always been aware of his "rich,beautiful,luxorious and resonant baritone" and thought that if it were not too much trouble he'd like to be known from here forward as Deep Throat. Once I recovered from my laughing fit I said "No you don't you fucking idiot". John is too young and un-read to know about Watergate or Linda Lovelace. So after I explained these things to him he actually seemed to ponder for a moment before saying "OK how about Gay Deep Throat John"?