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Monday, January 21, 2013

MY THANKS TO URUGUAY GABE!

Just a big shout out to the bad weather follower URUGUAY GABE who has become the first resident of Uruguay (permanent or part time) to log on to this Blog. I am a HUGE fan of Uruguay the same way I am a huge fan of Uranus. For the bad puns and dumb jokes (you know, "I can see Uranus" "Bullshit and fuck you it's only Saturn"). I like saying to Russian weightlifter type chicks "Uruguay" (pronounced -U R A GUY) or i like saying to less than manly men "Uruguay" (pronounced- U R A Gay). Oh man, the good times and huge laff's. Thanks agin, URUGUAY GABE! and I think I can see your PLUTO.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

MY LONG AWAITED DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS POST!

Here, my faithful readers and cult like followers, is my much requested D&D post (D&D is a short, quick, hip way to say Dungeons and Dragons to fellow gamers in the know [gamers-people who play games like D&D or Shoots and Ladders] -interesting side note Shoots and Ladders was the predecessor to Donkey Kong). People are constantly wanting to tap into my vast knowledge concerning D&D history and strategy and now I plan to share it all. So first let us start with history: Dungeons and Dragons was originally conceived by Norway's King Harald the Icy back in 1392 on a sleet filled Sunday when his wife was out shopping. King Harald named his new game Fuck Denmark but then Denmark invaded Norway and took over (can you imagine getting your ass kicked by Denmark? Denmark! How chicken shit do you have to be?) and the game was renamed Orve un Nort de Horhies which literally translates to Damn it's cold and Fuck the Norwegians. The game was an instant hit. Except in Norway. King Harald, who now lived in a shack on the outskirts of Vunderhoos, never received any royalties which is ironic since he was a king. The popularity of Orve un Nort de Horhies waned in the Dark Ages as people got preoccupied with the Bubonic Plague and dying and shit. Also it was tough to see the board in the dark. Then, in 1973, some dope smoking hippies came along who were really into Hobbits and shit and had plenty of time on their hands due to lack of social commitments and they decided to smoke more dope. Then they "invented" a new game (It really pissed off the Denmarkians ... the Donuts... The Danish! because they wanted royalties but nobody could understand a word they said; it was all "Der da der der da doo der"  which only made the dope smokers giggle. Anyhow, the Hippies named their new game DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (The bold type is more manly and well Hung-ish) and it instantly attracted an audience of roughly 25 people! They all met at first in Fred's basement but Fred's mom got pissed about having to make 25 PB&J's each week with the crusts cut off (PB&J is a short,quick, hip way to say zero effort). The game grew through word of mouth until the audience had nearly tripled by the mid 80's and Fred's basement gave way to smaller groups of 4 or 5 people meeting at Ted's or Harry's or even Gunther's room above the garage. Then, in 1997, Stan created the first new addition to the game called Orc's on a Picnic which cost $1.25 and added new layers and depth to the game by bringing picnics into the mix. Orc's on a Picnic is a Roll20 standard on a D24 Table otherwise known as a FLAIL SNAILS game. It is the first module to introduce THE KHARGHRA as a left handed loan shark with a soft spot for elves. This is a module that still rivals MOAR and BLACKMOAR in popularity although many people (roughly 12) felt that the distinct absence of the PRINCES of ELEMENTAL EVIL is unforgivable. These days D&D is an international sensation with over 700 proud gamers World Wide! New modules are arriving on the scene almost daily and the more adventureous ones (yours truly) enjoy our combat with 30 sided dice and some Harry Potter Butter Beer. One last thing the Norwegians really do spell Harold as Harald. Fucking Norwegians!

Monday, January 14, 2013

JEALOUS SHADY GREG ADMITS ENVY FOR ALL ATTENTION PAID TO FRIEND GAY DEEP THROAT JOHN AND APOLOGISE'S FOR SPREADING DEATH RUMOR ABOUT GAY JOHN WHICH INVOLVED A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF ICE SKATES AND POISONOUS SNAKES AND A CHER IMPERSONATOR WHO SINGS MINELLI IN CLOGS AND SHADY SWEARS HE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN AND IS ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR THE GAY ONE BEING BACK IN THE LIMELIGHT AND WISHES HIM ALL THE BEST AND STUFF!

Considering the size of the headline there really is no point to writing anything else. Oh! Gay Deep Throat John, if he really is still alive, will probably change his name back to Gay John or DT John as a courtesy to all writers everywhere who tire of typing Gay Deep Throat John over and over. Obviously, I'm only guessing at the name change. Also allow me to add Oh! Oh! Kelly Monaco, wafer thin dancing druggie, is reportedly interested in making a mini-series based on the odd fellowship of Shady Greg and his little, happy (gay) pal Gay Deep Throat John. Gossip overheard at the ice skating rink (I wasn't at the ice skating rink. I simply heard gossip that came from the ice skating rink) states that Ms. Monaco would not only produce the mini-series, but also tackle the role of Shady Greg's Zombie Cock.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

GAY DEEP THROAT JOHN RE-APPEARS AT BIG BANG PARTY!

Gay Deep Throat John, the gayest of the Gay, has finally re-appeared on the scene. At least it is believed to be the Gay One. Long feared dead from a bizarre revenge murder/suicide involving: poisonous snakes, ice skating, ice skating Muppets, GLEE impersonators in drag on ice skates, and a whole lot of Tonya Harding Wrestling moves making use of choke holds and crying. Turns out the whole thing was some sort of performance art piece protesting performance art. Go figure. Anyhow, about a week ago rumors began swirling around the sales floor here at Kitchens and More that a pinkish, Apeman type with combed pubic hair on his head resembling Gay Deep Throat John had been arrested at an after hours club which had been host to a Big Bang Party. Understand, this was not a party celebrating The Big Bang Theory television show; this was just a "Big Bang Party" (your guess is as good as mine, however, the newspaper reported that the party featured  an entertainer known only as The Mexican Firecracker Ass W/2.3 cu. ft. capacity whose nickname is Echo's). The paper went on to say that a masked man in a leotard and froggy slippers attempted to belly flop away from capture (Gay Deep Throat John is extremely proud of his belly flopping ability) and was caught only after his cape got hung up on a chain link fence (Gay Deep Throat John frequently dressed in leotard, cape, and either Wonder Woman boots or Piggy slippers and had never successfully belly flopped over a chain link fence!). The paper also stated that the Police had raided the party after an anonymous tip reported underage Thai LadyBoys were charging $10 an hour for something called Gay Deep Foot. Coincidently, Gay Deep Throat John had long been known to have an interest in Gay Semi-Deep Hairy Hobbit Foot, so ...... Stay tuned. Gay Deep Throat John may be back.  Or maybe not. We will wait and see.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

OVERLY RANDOM IS RANDOM TANGENTS!

Yes, I, The Fabulous Mr. Jimmy Keith, am well aware how random my blog is. I do appreciate all the emails informing me  that I capitalize words when they don't need it. I appreciate all the letters pointing out my complete and total disregard for correct punctuation. I love the phone calls telling me I comma when I should semi-colon and I semi-colon when I should comma. I have great respect for all the instant messaging that discusses my over use of exclamation points; and I have laughed at the texts saying I don't use parentheses enough (believe me. I am King of Parenthetical writing). Now, please, understand me as I say to all my readers (with great respect) : FUCK OFF. I honestly DO NOT CARE. This Blog Jumped The Fucking Shark some 40 Posts ago! I have big plans to jump back over the SHARK soon! Then I shall re-jump him (or her. or it, in case sharks mate with themselves like certain electronics salesman I have met). I shall continue jumping back and forth over said shark until I feel done. UNTIL I FEEL SATED. I stick punctuation anywhere I feel like, and capitalize whenever I want because this is MY BLOG DAMN IT! I was going to make this a "WELCOME TO ALL MY NEW FRIENDS FROM ARGENTINA!" post except you little Argentinian fuckers are the most anal retentive shitheads on the planet! I like underlining certain words or changing my font style or size to suit my mood. But you Bastards from Argentina (A Bolivian speaking people) are all concerned with the grammatical accurateness of my writing. WHO GIVES A FUCK? I also don't care if my facts are not 100% on point. There is no truth to facts except facts that are true and since not all facts are true then truth must be over rated. And Dat's Da Fact, JACK!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

SHADY GREG AND HIS NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Shady Greg has announced to us all: "The New Year will usher in a new and improved Shady Greg". My first response concerned what would be improved if your still shady? Greg was immensely pleased with my inquiry. He then explained at length that he will still lie, steal, cheat, and deceive; however, he will now do it with a song in his heart, a smile on his lips, and a semi-hidden erection (he used to flaunt his erections while ripping people off. Then he cut his dick off and couldn't. Then he got a Zombie Cock for a cock which really freaked people the fuck out when it went to full mast and Greg would giggle uncontrollably while it "Crowed"). I said "So, your New Year Resolution is to be more openly joyful while swindling?". "One of my resolutions; yes." As it turns out Greg has a very long list of things he plans to do differently in 2013. Some are actually fairly decent (on a very skewered scale) like his resolution to stop telling all  small children that Santa does not exist (only every other child he meets. The Shady One seems to feed on the tears of the young. And the old. And the middle aged.) Other resolutions of Greg's fall into the "too much information" category; for example: Shady will now only go on fisting expeditions with Kelly Monaco when on Ecstasy instead of speedballs and booze (yes, fisting not fishing). Greg has also stated for the record that from now on only condom encased foreign objects can be forcibly stuffed into any one of his structurally failing orifice's. Apparently, in days of old, Greg picked up one too many infections from rectum swallowing day old French baguettes with Bristol Palin crack piping away in the "cheering" section. Shady swears he will never again anally "beer bong" diet coke and mentos simply for YouTube fame (747,341 views. Check it out if you can stomach it. That's Greg in the Hello Kitty mask on all fours screaming "Feel the BURN!, baby, Feel the FUCKING BURN!" while an open mouthed and awed Oprah impersonator gets drenched in the unthinkable). For comparison, last year Shady Greg made one resolution : To stop eating Kit Kats. That lasted one day. The next day Greg was arrested for having a "Chocolate Orgy" with two Brownie Scouts and a dog (The Sick Fuck! Chocolate can kill a dog!)