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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

SHADY GREG HEARS "VOICE OF GOD" - CLAIMS GOD GOES BY "FRED"

Shady Greg, the worlds foulest collection of living tissue, has turned over a new leaf. Shady claims that as he was on his way home a "BOOMING" voice broke out over his head saying "Shady Greg! Shady Greg! REPENT! NOW!" (interesting that "GOD" calls him Shady as well. Perhaps he's written in the BOOK OF LIFE that way). Shady looked up and said "Oh dear Lord is that you?" to which the Lord responded "No, Idiot. It's your first grade teacher Mrs. Landry. Of course it is I, The Lord." Greg asked "Oh great Lord what do you want with me, your oh so humble servant?" Then, according to Greg (who even the Lord calls Shady) The Lord said "First off feel free to call me Fred." "FRED?" "naw, just Fred"  "Yes oh Great and Powerful Fred what may I do for you?"  "First off just call me Fred. No need to to preface it with Great and Powerful. I mean, we both know I can turn you into a pillar of salt or flood your basement; whatever strikes my fancy. But ask one of you to call me Fred and it just becomes this giant hassle."  "I see, " said Shady, "So Fred, what else can I do for you?" - Here it should be pointed out that Greg was on the Smart Bus in his usual window seat, licking away moments before this alleged conversation took place. NO ONE ELSE ON THE BUS HEARD FRED'S THE LORD'S END OF THE CONVERSATION!! All any of his fellow passenger's heard and saw was Greg, eyes closed and spittle on his chin, talking very loudly to himself. (which isn't all that unusual for Greg. The Fred business?  yes. Talking to himself? No. Par for the course.)- Anyhow, Greg wants all of us here at Kitchen's and More to refer to him as Shady Pastor Greg the Sparkling Chosen One Golden Boy (unanimously refused) and to listen to him preach from his pulpit. Shady stands on top of a vacuum box and yells all shift long about how we all need to change. Following is part of his spiel from today : Friends, Nomads, Country Musicians-Lend me your ears and I promise to give them back. Better than new! The time of our Lord Fred is Nigh! Follow my lead and give up your PORN! Follow my lead and give up your NIPPLE CUFFS! Follow my lead and give up your KITTEN MINIONS!  For the day of the hour of the blackest night to ever strike in the day is NIGH! REPENT! REPENT NOW! Leave the wickedness of the LUST in your LOINS behind! Particularly pork loin. Terrible stuff. FRED is the WAY! FRED is the LIGHT!  Oops. ..wait a sec..it's just Fred. Fred is light and whatnot" ---- Anyway, I guess we'll just have to wait and see how long this kick lasts because a Shady Greg without porn is like a day without a night; a dog without a bone; a horse with no name wandering around a desert or something. IT JUST ISN"T RIGHT! HELL! WITHOUT SHADY GREG THE ENTIRE ADULT INDUSTRY MAY COLLAPSE! AND IF THAT HAPPENS JUST WHAT IN FRED'S NAME ARE ALL THOSE FAKE TITS SUPPOSED TO DO?!?

Monday, March 25, 2013

HOLY SHIT! THIS CAN'T BE TRUE!

Rumor has it that a "CRACK SMOKING PUPPET" has been wandering the late night streets of Ann Arbor offering "GAY DEEP THROAT 2013" (?) to vaguely sick looking, sunken chested men who smell of "BRUT, ANALLY USED BANANA"S, AND PEACH SCHNAAPS".  The puppet is said to be roughly two feet high, felt, of burgandy complexion,with Chinese eyes and answers to the name WipeMouth Noss. If anybody has any information concerning this puppet please contact Shady Greg at Kitchens and More (vacuum and lingerie department) ASAP! At the very least please tell said puppet that all is forgiven and to please come home.

SHADY GREG'S EX-HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND CLAIMS THEY USED TO SCISSOR ONLY!

What more can be said? We knew he was dickless, just not for how long. Now, for what ever reason, Cindy Lu Who has come forward with her tales of Shady Greg from a bygone era. Cindy, whose husband Horton verifies her claims, stated she knew she wasn't lesbian material after dating Greg. For his part Greg has remained respectful of Cindy, refusing to trash talk her or say anything even slightly critical of her (highly unusual for The Shady One). Greg's only comment to date on the subject was to say that his wife loves his manly vagina and that true scissoring takes GREAT stamina and dexterity.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

SMOKING THE CHINESE DRAGON WITH SHADY GREG (he of the goat slit eyes)

It was another slow day around the sales floor here at Kitchens and More when Shady Greg arrived for his three hour shift (Greg is very delicate and can only work eight hours a week maximum. Usually no more than 90 minutes at a time). The Shady One was not dressed in his usual garish manner, but more like Shaggy from the old Scooby Doo cartoons. Nor did he greet us with his usual stammer of "Hidy Ho Ho Ho's and a Twinkie" but instead a whispered " 'Sup Dudes" as he put his shades in his ratty cargo pants pocket and admired his unlaced 1970's era high tops with all their black magic marker graffiti scribblings. Dear Sweet Ruby said "Hairlo Gleg. You is look different, today". To which Greg replied in his new, affected mumble "Yeah well Babydoll my Aura is Karma and I'm chameleon-ing" while he leaned against a refrigerator fumbling with a pack of orange flavored zig zags. Deer Sweet Ruby scrunched up her nose and asked "What he say? Aura is Karma? That make no sense". Greg whisper-spoke "It makes no sense to you because you don't understand Karma." Ruby's eyes damn near popped out of her head as she hissed "I is Indian, you Freak! We invent Karma! I is understanding you is idiot." "Jason Lee invented Karma" said Shady, "I catch him in reruns". Ruby shook her head and went to sit on a dehumidifier (I'm not kidding. Maybe they vibrate or something. I don't know). I asked Shady, aside from the whole Karma thing what's up with the clothes and the Zig Zags and what appeared to be three days worth of stubble on his chin (I say appeared because Greg's facial hair is as masculine as Ellen DeGeneres's all though I'm sure she has bigger genitals). Shady said he had been riding the Chinese Dragon with his new friend Panda Glen and had never felt better. He then credited Panda Glen with introducing him to Karma, casual clothing, and cock rings for recreational use in rafting and hang gliding. I just sorta stared at Shady while my brain frantically tried to erase some terrible images. Shady then said, "Yeah ol' Panda gets the best Chinese Dragon in town. McCormacks. Right there at Kroegers, so you know it's good. Only charges me a $100 an ounce too!"

Friday, March 1, 2013

KELLY MONACO NUDE not on DANCING W/THE STARS!

KELLY MONACO AND HER BIG LUSCIOUS NUDE TITS will not be on DANCING WITH THE STARS THIS SEASON!!! IF YOU ARE SEARCHING THE NET FOR THE LATEST IN KELLY MONACO NUDE NEWS, KELLY MONACO PORN, KELLY MONACO BLOW JOB, KELLY MONACO SEX TAPE, KELLY MONACO LESBIAN AFFAIR OR ANY OTHER KELLY MONACO INFORMATION MAKE SURE TO CHECK HERE!!! I don't actually stock any Kelly Monaco info here nor do I personally care about Kelly Monaco, but enough of you sick fucks out there web search KELLY MONACO TOE SUCK and KELLY MONACO BANANA BOUNCE and KELLY MONACO POLE DANCE WITH ANAL EXPOSURE that it is worth it to me to mention her occasionally for all the extra hits to my site. Things like KELLY MONACO BITCH SLAPS PAM ANDERSON brings you slimy little fuckers out of the woodwork! Anyway, hope the rest of you have a really great day and I'll see you all later. - KELLY MONACO DOES SPEEDBALLS WHILE TEABAGGING!

SHADY GREG'S STRANGE EATING DISORDER!

The Shady One came back from lunch yesterday with sauce stains all over his shirt and noodles dangling from his ears; not an unusual sight for him. Shady normally returns from lunch with fresh stains decorating his Hawaiin shirts and lederhosen (Shady dresses like a fucking idiot because he is a fucking idiot. I didn't even know Joe Boxer made lederhosen). From Cap'n Crunch to Lobster Bisque, from Mac n Cheese to Animal Crackers; Shady Greg can not eat a meal without wearing half of it. So yesterday I asked him about this. Greg laughed and said " I know. I know. It's strange. I try eating anything with a fork or a spoon and I have no clue where my mouth is. But anytime I'm on my knees, hands cuffed behind my back, blindfold in place, working the Glory Hole at an interstate Truck Stop and NOTHING MISSES MY MOUTH! NOTHING! Strange isn't it?". I reminded myself to never ask Greg questions.