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Monday, February 20, 2012

SHADY GREG SHADOW FENCES IN VIKING HELMET AND UNDERWEAR! AUTHORITIES ARE CALLED.

Local authorities were called to the alley way behind the residence of one Greg Hrgrwqzxcvbhgrryp, also known as Shady Greg, age 54, on Friday evening for creating a disturbance. Mr Hrgrwtrqxzxfgr was apparently shadow fencing, with imaginary shadows no less, while wearing nothing more than a child's plastic Viking helmet and a ratty pair of Sponge Bob boxers. Mr hjjjjrtlllrrrg told the policemen he was not intoxicated and was merely practicing for the upcoming Geeks Convention held annually in Freddy Knuts basement. While it was true Mr hrgggdfrwqty wasn't drunk, he was noticebly aggitated ,feverishly licking his lips,bouncing on his feet, and saying Buddy Boy repeatedly for no apparent reason. It was later discovered Mr hrgrgrgrfzxczxrr had swallowed 17 packets of PEZ and was in the throws of a severe sugar rush. Mr hggrrgggrwwqwqzxztrgh was taken to Mercy Mercy Emergency to be held over night for observation.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

ASSHOLE UPDATE: WORLD STILL FULL OF 'EM!

Assholes. The world is not only filled with assholes but their numbers grow every day. You have asshole parents raising asshole kids who go and visit asshole grandparents on the weekends. We are surrounded by ASSHOLES! I fuckin' hate assholes but I love this bit. Thank God for Mel Brooks!

Waiting On A Friend

A great freaking song and a funny entertaining video. Watch Keith walk or sling on his guitar. Big smile! Smoke that cigarette KEEF and watch out for the funky blond dude in the window. Bill and Charlie are barely acknowledged but don't seem to mind. Long Live THE STONES!

Friday, February 10, 2012

LEAVE YOU STUPID FUCKS! LEAVE!

It is 10 minutes passed closing time and still STUPID FUCKS linger. Why? Just leave. Come back tomorrow if you wish. Now, though, is the time to JUST FUCKING LEAVE!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

TO ALL MY RUSSIAN COMRADES-WELCOME!

I know my blog is very popular in Russia, the Mother Country, and I am thrilled. I am seriously considering the generous offer to visit Moscow along with the speaking gigs (you flatter me!). My question though is how come none of you join the site? It only takes a second. And please comment on the posts I relish your feedback. The KGB is dead . So speak freely. God bless you all. And thank you for the bread. It was delicious.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

WATCH OUT GREG IS ON A FUCKING RAMPAGE!!!!

Well kiddies I am writing to you from under a cabinet in the back stockroom because my last post sent Evil Greg on a fucking rampage. I thought I had seen true anger before. I was wrong. No one has seen real true anger until they have looked into the face of Evil itself. That face belongs to Greg. Evil Greg. Evil Angry Greg.  That is the face of Evil that even the Devil himself flees from. I did not intend on bringing Evil Angry Greg at me. You see, Greg is basically a computer illiterate, so I figured I was safe from him ever finding my blog. Hell, Greg is basically only focused on three things: 1. Ripping off customers 2.Ripping off all others 3.Breaking every diet his poor sweet wife gives him. That's it really. So why would I ever worry about him stumbling across my blog? I wouldn't. What I did not count on was sweet little curious Ruby stumbling across my blog and reading it to him (Yes reading it to him. Greg is basically just illiterate across the board). I was standing out of sight around the corner when Ruby grabbed her high chair and sat in front of the computer. She innocently typed "vshudgqsidbkbi" because dear Ruby can't spell for shit (I think she was actually looking for some sort of goat recipe) and she somehow pulled up my blog. I remember hearing "GLEG GLEG look here  what I find when I type Gleg what it mean you is sheet kisser? (Dear Ruby pronounces shit sheet). Greg sort of walked over to the computer (I say sort of because he is not the most coordinated fellow around. Like Elvis is no longer the most lively). Anyhow, as dear Ruby read to Gleg I mean Greg his pallid white face began to turn crimson, his permanently arched eyebrows twitched like bunny tails (they are that fluffy) and his long pointy black fingernails dug into his palms like demonic little knives. Yes, Shady Greg was turning into Evil Angry Greg. Not a pretty sight (nothing involving Greg ever is. Seriously. You should see the dude chew gum. His mouth gets going like a never been laid house dog humping a strangers leg. Gross.). Anyhow, Greg turned and looked at me and said " Jimmy you wicked witlle weasle you weally weally wonged me. Wight your wong owr else!". I couldn't help but smile and say Greg you're difficult to understand with all that dick in your mouth (I'm not homophobic, just childish). Greg got even more pissed, grabbed a scythe he keeps in the coatroom and began chasing me. I ditched him in electronics (the energiser bunny was on. He always has to stop and watch.) and took up my hiding place under the cabinet.