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Monday, December 30, 2013

Malawi? What? Is that African? Malawi?

Very weird, but I seem to have picked up a couple of readers from Malawi. I think that means they are from Africa. I don't know the Australian Continent to well tho so maybe they are only from the country of Africa and Malawi is merely a city therein. Geology is not my strong suit. Oddly tho I love geography because I have a strong love of rocks. I would like to say hello to my new (Malaysian?) readers: HELLO! I have no clue how to spell the click clicks that I think are your native tongue at least according to South Park. You probably do not have South Park in Malawi if you live in a grass hut which is what I think you live in if you live in Malawi because Malawi is not known for sky scrapers and stuff. I mean if it was there would be no doubt as to whether or not Malawi is part of the Australian continent. Anyhow, South Park is a very informative (and often humorous) television program that uses colors to captivate viewers unlike I Love Lucy which shunned colors to be more artsy and sophisticated and stuff. That is why I like South Park (and rocks).I can relate.

Monday, November 25, 2013

WHAT THE FUCK GIVES WITH AUSSIES AND GYMNASTS?

My Blog had been an absolute must read throughout Austraila and Romania. It was hailed as a break through in "HUMAN COMMUNICATION WITH COMPASSION" and was frequently quoted by Sulley Bonscott the famous (only in austraila) talk show host with the terrible hair lip. In Romania my Blog had been widely read by all of their gymnasts for its great training tips and compassion towards tumbling midgets. Apparently, NO MORE! No Aussies or Romanians have visited my Blog in over a year! What gives? I love both "shrimp on the barbie" (or shrimp on the Elmo doll) and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE underagers with cute accents, destroyed feet, over muscled buttocks and a gift for cartwheels. Where is the return love?

Friday, November 15, 2013

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! FINALLY, SOMEONE NEW TO BLOG ABOUT!!!

Hello once again to all of my faithful readers! I bet most of you were thinking we would never speak again, right? Well, I'm back! Shady fucking Greg is (hopefully) in the past, having hopped a ship bound for Samoa to tend bar at some GAY AS HELL Tiki Hut style drinking establishment designed for Bondage bent banana blowers bumping butts with butt banging banana bangers. Shady and his Zombie Cock will fit right in. Anyhow, as I reported last month I myself have moved out to beautiful downtown Novi and am working at the Novi Kitchens and More Super Store. It is here, among the mostly clean, intelligent, classy, and wealthy people of Beautiful Downtown Novi that one of the strangest half breed semi humans lurks. His name is Chico Lowrider. Chico is of a mixed Latino/Neaderthal heritage with a touch of Labrador thrown in for good measure (Chico is very loyal and great at retrieving sticks and balls). Chico is, more or less, the appliance department mascot. Standing five feet tall with hunched shoulders, sloped forhead, beady criminal eyes and a generally shifty appearance; Chico makes most people uncomfortable and small children cry instantly. He onced sued Disney for defamation of character after the animated version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame was released. Chico felt the character resembled him too closely. The Disney lawyers took one look at Chico and settled out of court for an undisclosed sum (although, after Chico gets a few beers in him he'll tell you he recieved a lifetime supply of ALPO. Chico does not own a dog). Chico calls everybody "Holmes". It gets very annoying trying to figure out what the idiot is talking about when what you hear is "Hey Holmes. Holmes say that Holmes was late yesterday. Have you seen Holmes today or is Holmes home?". Chico carries one box cutter in his hand while keeping at least three more on his body at all times. Chico says that his job requires lots of box cutting and that his personality requires lots of defending. "Hey Holmes! I cut you Holmes!" is frequently heard around the sales floor here. Oddly, it is usually Chico threatening an old Rubiks Cube he found in his alley home that he feels torments him. I think Chico could provide a lot of story material for the future. I shall keep you all informed. ADIOS!

Friday, September 13, 2013

OK THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!

Now, I'm PISSED! I, Jimmy Keith (The Fabulous One and Only), left the Ann Arbor Kitchens and More and so many of my beloved co-workers in order to escape. Escape? Yes. I needed to get the Fuck away from Shady Greg and his twisted, disgusting way! At incredible personal expense I have relocated to the beautiful Novi area (even the homeless wear Izod), I have started over at a new store (the Novi Kitchens & More which is slightly larger, has fewer high-on customers, and is two floors meaning finding a manager is now as likely as Dear Sweet Woobie shouting "Jager' shots on me!"). Anyhow, I am pissed (PISSED!) because stupid Fuck Shady followed me here! You read that correctly.  Shady Fucking Greg is now in Novi! Understand me. The DumbAss does not work here, he is AWOL from Ann Arbor, he just lives to torment me. On my second day here I noticed a tall, shadowy figure lurking around  the upright freezers who would consistently dash towards abandoned Portrait Studio upon my approach. This gangly, uncordinated creature left a greenish haze in it's wake (a living being unto itself) it was the Haze that attacked my senses, scrambling my brain; leaving me disoriented and feeling vomitus from the gut wrenching stink of unwashed THOR underwear and vinegar balls. Immediately, I thought to my woozy self " Damn! That STANK! It's a Shady STANK!"  Then I passed out. ----- TO BE CONTINUED

Monday, August 26, 2013

A SECOND LOOK AT THE TRUTH ABOUT SATANIC CARTOONS!

OK. Apparently there are a tremendous amount of you "ready for the Looney Bin" Psycho Wacko Wingnuts out there. Literally hundreds of you visit my blog each week looking for the truth behind SATANISM IN CARTOONS. Many of you email daily begging me to tell all I know about THE SATANIC CIRCLE OF UNITED PRESS SYNDICATE ARTISTS/CARTOONISTS/PRINT MIMES! (TSCOUPSACPM) (They're cartoonists not acronym geniuses). First of all, and allow me to make this as clear as possible, ALL CARTOONS ARE SATANIC! " Ooooh No! Not Peanuts." BULLSHIT! Fucking PigPen! Satanic! Snoopy? A dog who SLEEPS on the very uncomfortable part of his doghouse? SA-FUCKING-TANIC! OK. How about LUANN? Luann is a trashy little Satan Slut. She is constantly showing off her tight little 16 yr old body-Bikinis, Lingerie,Short Shorts! She is obviously an agent of Lucifer himself! If you make a few slight alterations to her name, you in fact wind up with the name SATANLULULUCIFERDEVILWOMANBITCH which is fairly obviously NOT a wholesome "Girl-next-door I Love Jesus so let's go to Kenya and build a Water Wheel" kinda name (also you can just get the name Ann). THE FAMILY CIRCLE? Family Circle is so annoyingly wholesome and "Christian Value Oriented" that it has to be the work of Minions of Hades (who are also available for Freelance). If you are a God Fearing individual who would like to go to HEAVEN after your death then you should avoid ALL cartoons! (tough not to sneak a peek at Luann tho, the little tramp).

Saturday, August 17, 2013

GAY JOHN IS BACK! IS NOW GO-FER BITCH JOHN!

Gay John has returned to Kitchens and More! Gone for more then a year, The Gay One quietly slipped back in by climbing through the garbage shute and hiding out in the storage room for a week. When he was discovered sleeping on the floor of new ASM Boisterous Bob's office (in a pile of Boisterous Bob's hair re-growth pamphlets using some of Boisterous Bob's hair dye products as a pillow) a new friendship was formed. Gay John, when asked where he has been for the past year, would only say he has become very familiar with the Mens Room of the Rest Area on I-75 just North of Brighton. Anyhow, since Gay John was presumed dead his old job had long since been filled by a retarded monkey - And there is no way we are getting rid of the monkey, he is Twice as efficient as John ever was! But fear not faithful readers, Gay John is once again employed by Kitchens and More. Only now his name is Go-fer Bitch Jonnie because he has become Boisterous Bob's little pet n fetchit. Yesterday B.B. was hungry so Go-fer Bitch Jonnie ran (literally. He's too stupid to drive) to WENDYS and bought B.B. 2 orders of spicy nuggets, ran them back to B.B. and proceeded to hand feed him while adding his own "special sauce". Later in the day B.B. got bored and requested Go-fer Bitch to dance for him. Sickeningly, Jonnie jumped up on a register desk and began the GAYEST quivering dance steps ever performed before God or Man. Jonnie had his eyes closed, biting his lower lip, while he swiveled his hips and shook his extra 20 lbs. of semi digested junkfood like a deranged Boo Boo Bear on acid attempting to seduce a gold chain clad Ranger Rick with gelled hair. It was absolutely disgraceful. Our new GM, Tubby Red, thinks their relationship is "cute", "normal" and somehow "good for morale". Tubby Red also thinks lesbians are just "women who love Home Depot".

Friday, August 9, 2013

THE LOST ROAR OF THE DEEP FRIED OGRE

Things are much quieter here at Kitchens and More since last week. This past Saturday was the day the Ogre fell. The Deep Fried Ogre. More legend than reality. More myth than truth. But real. Make no mistake, the Deep Fried Ogre was real. I met him. Saw him. Felt the rumble of the Earth when the Ogre roared. Watched his prey tremble when confronted with his rumpled awfulness. I remember once, when I was younger and more daring, how I tracked The Deep Fried Ogre from his fast food wrapper stuffed backroom lair to his territorial walk about resting spot near the candy display at the side exit. I remember following the trail of peon faces who were still attempting to look busy as the Ogre passed to the Cardboard Mountain of unfinished stock in the Electronics Department. I caught a quick glimpse of the Nasty Brute when he paused to sniff the air. Legend states that with one snort from his mighty nostrils The Ogre could sniff out responsibility on the air and immediately head in the other direction. Sometimes, on a Sunday morning, I would come in early for the "signing" ritual [the signing ritual dates back to the Dawn of Ogrehood and is now primarily used to irritate humans but had onced been a rather ativistic coming of age/mating right of passage]. The Deep Fried Ogre would drunkenly stumble around the sales floor changing the prices on dozens and dozens of products while loud Heavy Metal blared from cheap speakers and Ol' Deep Fried growled amiably. Then when the store opened for business all Hell would break loose as the register price was of course utterly different from the sign on the product. And oh how Ol' Deep Fried would laugh. The terrible laugh of the mortally wounded-but still a laugh. Then without warning THEY took The Deep Fried Ogre to conundrum corner and waved torches in his face and screamed at his hairy back and taunted his soul with broken promises of nothing and let the black abyss swallow all hope of a Technicolor Future while the Pain Demons swam free... OK. Sorry. A little too much O.S. (ogre shit). Suffice to say the Deep Fried Ogre is gone and the one called Mad Ox will never put another chain saw away.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

SHADY GREG LICKS PALMS TO TRY AND GET HIGH?

I KNOW. THE HEADLINE IS A WTF IF EVER THERE WAS ONE. THE DEAL IS THAT THE SHADY ONE HEARD ABOUT PEOPLE LICKING TOADS TO GET HIGH (remember? This was a big story 10 or 15 years ago. Shady just heard about it). Anyhow, since people compare Shady to toads frequently he figured he can save a ton of money by licking himself to get high instead of buying and snorting laundry detergent (apparently, TIDE will get you high or kill you). It seems to work for Greg; licking himself that is. He licks his grubby palms and babbles incoherently for an hour or so. We figure with Shady's refusal to ever bathe his skin is probably toxic. Greg babbles incoherently anyway so it's tough to know for sure if he is really getting high from his disgusting toadlike skin or not.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

SHADY FUCKING GREG COMES BACK!

Shady Fucking Greg, the World's most un-employable employed stiff, has been given the boot out of the vacuum wasteland and sent back to the Appliance Department. Why? No one seems to know. If you remember Shady had been exiled to the great void known vaguely as the vacuum area because he couldn't cut the mustard (literally. He is one weak Son of Bitch!) in the Appliance Department. Shady seemed to prosper in vacuums at first but as reality settled in Shady began to drown as is his "Comfort Zone". When Shady appeared to have pulled his final Natalie Wood, a life preserver floated out of no where and pulled a gasping Greg back to Appliances (looking every inch the half-drowned RAT clinging to a scrap of driftwood, no less). I have come to think of Shady as a Great Cosmic Fly and the sadistic Universe yanks his wings off, they magically grow back only to be yanked off again and again and again. The amusement factor has almost completely run it's course and I feel close to a sense of pity for the poor defiance of evolution that is the Shady One. I mean the Appliance Department is a Shark Tank. It is filled with a Great White or two, a Tiger, a Bull, one mean-ass Blue Barracuda with a few harmless Remoras along for the ride. Shady isn't even fit to be referred to as a Remora. After his fall from his perch in the vacuum area Greg comes back to Shark infested waters as a smelly, disgusting, Bucket o' Chum being trailed behind the "ORCA" by an urbane, one eyed Mad Man on a Moby Dick Quest (in Shady's case that should be Moby Dickless). Please understand, I actually wish the lying, cheating, maggot ridden chunk of Human Trash well. I hope he succeeds! But if there is one thing this Cruel Cold Rock has taught me on my Mad Merry Go, it is this: A disease infested, useless, annoying, sickening Wingless Fly should be crushed underfoot in one Quick Brilliant Bloody Stomp. On the other hand, sick kicks can be had at the expense of the BLOODIED. LET ACT TWO OF THE SHADY CHRONICLES BEGIN!!!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

SHADY GREG EXPLAINS HIS PLANS FOR THE FUTURE!

Shady Greg, the worlds blandest blonde boy-man (his Rap name is Watered Down Vanilla Melted Ice), has new plans for his future. Figuring he can't sell vacuums for life, Greg is starting his own business. The Shady One plans on going door to door to start, but hopefully will soon be by appointment only. The business? Pesonal Complainer. How often would you like to complain about events in your everyday life but simply can't find the time in your busy schedule? Perhaps, complaining in front of others embarrasses you? Well have no fear! Nothing embarrasses The Shady One. When you are a (literally) dickless Crack Addict with the face of a constipated, albino chicken with lip implants and the build of a Raggedy Andy doll if it weren't so muscular, I suppose embarrassment is a luxory ill afforded. - OK. FUCK IT! This post is going no where. NO WHERE! I started this post two weeks ago and forgot all about it and now can't pick up the thread. GREG is in a shitty mood and posting this shit isn't going to help him. Of course, Greg is always in a shitty mood which is why he is such a PRO COMPLAINER! Greg complains about fucking EVERYTHING!


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

THE CHINESE HAVE STOPPED READING MY BLOG!

OK, normally I don't care what the Chinese people do to amuse themselves: Build walls, write fortunes, re-engineer chopsticks, whatever. Recently however, I've noticed a sharp decrease in chinese readership. Like no Chineses readership. I don't think a Chinamen (or China Doll. I'm not sexist) has visited my site in at least three months. What gives? Then it dawned on me. I've stopped releasing TOP SECRET MILITARY SECRETS AND STUFF! So in an attempt to win back some Chinese readership, which ensures free egg rolls arriving at my door, I've decided to once again release TOP SECRET MILITARY SECRETS AND STUFF! I know betraying my country is horrible and wrong and everything, but it is the "in" thing to do these days. So here goes: AMERICA OWNS LOTSA BOMBS. SOME OF THEM ARE NU-CLEAR AND STUFF! Also, AMERICA is constantly working on NEW EVEN DEADLIER WEAPONS AND STUFF! And while this may come as a shock to some of you AMERICA TESTS NEW WEAPONS almost DAILY! Also, while America has a fairly high population of Chinese people (dancers, acrobats, cooks, gymnasts, Dry Cleaners [1hr], cooks, and even gymnasts) there are still a lot of Americans who feel we should use TOP SECRET MILITARY SECRET WEAPONS WITH STEALTH TECHNOLOGY AND STUFF AGAINST CHINA NOW! This could wipe out our debt sooner rather than later and stuff. I, for one will propogate this type of thinking if I don't start seeing free egg rolls arrive at my door again! Also, some Dim Sun. That's GOOD shit! Thank you.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

WELCOME TO ALL MY LATVIAN READERS!

While I have always been a ridicously popular blogger in Europe, it has only been recently that Latvia has caught on to my AWESOMENESS. I am grateful that the Latvian people have finally figured out that my FANTASTIC sense of humor is very much in step with the slightly less fantastic Latvian sense of humor yet better than the morbid and sophmoric sense of humor of the Estonians (those fucking Estonians...). I must say I have always thought it amusing that the National Language of Latvia is Latvian. The minority language of Latvia is Latgalian. And a Latvian walking around with a fat wallet means he has a pocket full of Lats. Seriously? Your Latvian money is called Lats? Do you people "3rd person" much? - "Hello. I am Latty the Latvian from Latvia with a wallet full of Lats." becomes "Latty don't play that! Latty FAT wid (sic) Lats!". Even the minority language of Latgalian came from the indigenous Latvian tribe called the LATGALIANS. It's like only we Americans, the Chinese, the Mexicans and a small handful of others that speak a language not named after our country. Of course, the true Fuck ups would be the Canadiens. They speak English, French, Stupid, and Stupid Canadien (even worse than those fucking Estonians). Oh yeah, Canadiens also speak a hybrid mix of ancient Chinese Secret dialects known as "Dumb so Young" used mostly when discussing getting stains out of clothing. Anyhow, I say welcome to all my new Latvian Friends!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

SHADY GREG AND THE ISOLATION CHAMBER

Shady Greg, the world's most "Hands On" scout leader, is at it again. At what? Well, typical bizarre behaviour. Shady, who has no known friends since the possible death of Gay John, has announced that he has installed an Isolation Chamber in the vacuum area. Said Chamber is merely the top half of an old Hoover box which Greg places on his head while standing in a corner and nasally sings "I'm invisible! I'm invisible! Nan na nan na naaaaaaaah!" over and over until THE BEEHIVE WOMAN walks over and kicks him in the balls. Word on the street is that Shady and BEEHIVE are shacking up.

Monday, June 10, 2013

SHADY GREG STILL CHEATING CUSTOMERS!

Shady Greg, a man so low he makes a Dung Beetle look classy, has sunk even lower. As most of you know Shady left the Appliance Department here at Kitchen's and More for the vacuum area (it is neither capitalized nor a department. Merely a vague area in which lost sales souls wander. Greg is very much at home). Recently, the vacuum area expanded slightly with the addition of fans and microwaves and humidifiers (all the cheap shit the Appliance Department Sales Force refuses to dirty our hands with). The Shady One couldn't bother himself with learning anything at all about the new products he sells. His workmates like the Fabulous Ricky Ricardo (yes that's his real name. Oddly, he is French) have studied their materials and are experts at explaining each item. Shady just makes shit up. He is best (meaning at his worst) with senior citizens. Shady was telling his OWN 97 yr old GRANDMOTHER that the convection microwave she was looking at doubles as a house fan and a humidifier but does not clean floors, however if she just bought the $600 Dyson vacuum she would have the best vacuum/humidifier/fan/ microwave on the planet! Lies flow forth from Greg like clumpy brown water flows through the sewer. Also, on the disgusting side, Shady had stated that he wanted to be a better man. His solution? He now collects used condoms. Why? So he can share a 'Snowball" with all of America.

Monday, June 3, 2013

IT'S NOT EVOLUTION. IT'S SEX!

OK. Here's the deal. The real truth. God didn't create all the different animals on Earth and neither did evolution. Sex did. Plain and simple. Think about it. Something like a hundred thousand years ago, and this is just one example, a really horny bear walked down to a stream. At that exact moment a really sexy salmon was swimming by. The horny bear fucked the sexy salmon and nine months later the world got its first seal. Simple. A duck fucks a beaver and BOOM!- Platypus! Simple. Anyhow I hope this clears matters up and stops the argueing.

Friday, May 31, 2013

THE ONE MILLION DOLLAR PRIZE!

   Little Bobby Dugan, an older than his years nine year old smart ass, was upstairs getting dressesd for a Church Dinner he didn't want to attend. Bobby had been given an hour to get ready and it was all ready 5 minutes passed with his pants and shoes still to go. "Bobby! Come on!" his mother yelled from the bottom of the stairs. With no response Mrs Dugan gathered in a lung full of air and yelled even louder, "Come on Bobby! Now! COME! ON!". Little Bobby stuck his head around the corner and yelled back "I'm Coming! I'm Coming!" and under his breath he added "in my pants!". Suddenly, balloons dropped from the ceiling as sirens and whistles went off. Confetti and streamers shot down the stairwell and a huge brass band began to play FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW. Ryan Seacrest burst thru the front door carrying a giant cardboard check made out for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Ryan grabbed Mrs Dugan and shouted over the music "MRS DUGAN! Your son just made the ONE BILLIONTH "coming in my pants joke! How does it feel?" Mrs Dugan, flustered and overwhelmed, stammered out a weak "what?" while Little Bobby Dugan, extremely red faced, came flying down the stairs shouting "Don't listen to him mom. I don't even know what that comment would mean!". Ryan Seacrest chuckeled and said "It's OK Bobby-Boy! I would  have said it myself. How does it feel to be a nine year old millionaire?" Mrs Dugan was gathering herself, clutching the railing for support she grabbed Bobby's shoulder and asked "Where did you learn to speak like that? Don't look away! Did that loser Timmy from down the street teach you such filth? Answer me, Damn it!" "Mom, forget that for now. I just won us a million dollars!" "A MILLION DOLLARS BECAUSE YOU KNOW ABOUT SATAN"S SALIVA! I WILL HAVE NONE OF IT!".  The band stopped playing, the last of the confetti fell, and a dejected Ryan Seacrest was shown the door. Poor Little Bobby had his mouth washed out with IRISH SPRINGS and still had to attend the dinner.---The point of this little tale? Coming in my pants jokes are funny but watch out because Ryan Seacrest is the DEVIL!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

SHADY GREG - "MOVIES ARE TOO VIOLENT!"

Shady Greg, the worlds last, lonely married virgin, has declared movies to be too violent. Some of you I'm sure are aware that Shady has been publishing movie reviews recently (publishing is a bit misleading. He prints out a few dozen copies of typed up gibberish). Anyhow, Greg recently viewed Any Which Way But Loose, a Clint Eastwood comedy from 1978. The Shady One was appalled. Greg wrote - "Holy Punch Out! Clint out did himself with the blood and guts this time. He once again is playing Dirty Harry and is partnered up with an orange inebriated monkey who likes to fight and fart. Disgusting! A biker gang terrorizes. A grandmother goes on a shooting spree! Terrible!". Greg goes on and on about how awful and violent the movie is. It isn't. Also Dirty Harry is not the character. Also it's an orangatan. Anyhow, Shady next reviewed Look Who's Talking. Yes, it also was too violent for our idiot anti-hero. Shady was appalled at the opening which features "these fast swimming little guys, tadpoles I think, battling for first place in a race to a cheese ball or something. Then this Harlot with her Bastard son violently abuse Barbarino for driving a cab. Hideous! Just when you think your stomach can take no more the little Bastard bites the face off of a toy giraffe. The Carnage!".  -  I know. You're thinking "Exactly how big a pussy is this Shady Greg?". He is a GIANT PUSSY. He is a bigger pussy than a Blue Whale Hooker. He is a bigger pussy than a Bloated Sex Changed Garfield! Shady Greg is just a fucking pussy. He wrote the Govener complaining about the "glorification of GUNS" after viewing Johnny Dangerously! The Facking Bastich!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

SHADY GREG BUYS NUDE KELLI PICKLER PAINTING FOR $1.57

Shady Greg, the worlds formost purveyor of cartoon porn, has just bought a nude Kelli Pickler painting. Dear sweet Southern Belle Kelli ( most likely tainted tattooed trailer trash, but so what?) did not actually pose nude for this painting. Shady is good friends with that dude who painted a topless Bea Arthur that Bea Arthur never posed for.  Shady begged him for a fully nude Kelli Pickler portrait to hang next to his Kelly Monaco eating a corn dog topless in the rain portrait (done in ballpoint. Greg spent $80 bucks on it!). So the dude drew a big busted stick figure, on a napkin, using a Mocha colored crayon (fucking mocha! Idiot.) he added a mid level scribble for bush and Boner popping Shady handed over his $1.57 bus fare for it. Shady actually brought the deranged art into work with him the next day and showed us all. " Look at Kelli's bush!" Shady excitedly repeated over and over while pointing at the scribble. I said to Shady that at least he didn't commission a nude Zendaya drawing and with a look of indignation that would wither a pole cat at a barn dance (?) Greg hissed " I never accept nude artwork of a subject younger than seventeen! I do however have a picture of Shirley Temple in fishnets. Oh come on! She's at least 80 now!"

Friday, May 17, 2013

COME ON YOU GODDAMN MICKS!

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU IRISH BASTARDS? I SEE A COUPLE OF VISITS TO MY BLOG FROM THE ISLE OF GREEN AND THEN NOTHING FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS AND THEN A COUPLE O' MORE VISITS AND THEN YOU BASTARDS IGNORE ME AGAIN! I AM FUCKING SICK O' IT (notice the goddamn "o's"? that's fucking irish, man!). MY FULL NAME IS JIMMY IAN EDWARD DOYLE O'SHANNAHASSEY FECKIN' SHILLELAGH KEITH!! THAT MEANS I AM WAY MORE IRISH THAN MOST OF YOU STUPID FUCKS! AND UNDERSTAND THIS: BEING FUCKING SCOTTISH DOES NOT COUNT FOR SHIT! NOW I DEMAND YOU FUCKING MICKS VISIT THIS BLOG ON A DAILY GODDAMN BASIS. JUST MAKE IT A PART OF YOUR MORNING ROUTINE. RIGHT IN BETWEEN YOUR BREAKFAST GUINNESS AND YOUR BAILEYS LOADED COFFEE. IT'S FUCKING (FECKIN') EMBARRASSING THAT I GET MORE VISITS FROM FUCKING BELARUS ILLITERATES THEN I DO FROM MY OWN DRUNKEN KIN. SO I WANT ALL IRISH PEOPLE TO VISIT THIS BLOG EVERYDAY. EXCEPT YOU GINGER FUCKS. YOU ALL KINDA GROSS ME OUT. EXCEPT FOR THE REALLY, REALLY HOT FIRM BREASTED RED HEADS WITH ALLURING GREEN EYES. YOU'RE OK. BUT THE REST OF YOU FRECKELED FAIRY FREAKS.... NO.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

MOVIE REVIEWS BY SHADY "BIG SCREEN" GREG

Shady Greg, the world's sickest sack of slick slime, has a new side gig: reviewing movies. This is not a paying gig. Shady just randomly types up movie reviews, makes a couple dozen copies, and then very randomly "distributes" them around Ann Arbor, Ypsilanti and various highway Rest Area's he visits on Midnight "Feedings". There is no rhyme or reason behind the reviews. He might review a current movie but far more likely you are to find  a review of a movie (a REALLY SHITTY movie) from Greg's DVD  collection. The movies are not reviewed by Shady Greg, but rather by Jumbo Jimbo Big Screen Screaming Big Jim The Movie Man Jammer Review Maestro Thumb Ass Greggory-(he thinks the Greggory will help establish him as a serious film critic. There is no explanation for the insanity preceding  Greggory). This whole movie reviewer thing started because Shady liked to advocate movies to his co-worker's. This is before his taste in movies was well known by us. Greg would bring in DVDs to work and hand them out to us "Here watch this. It's a classic! Return it anytime and I'll loan ya another classic! Go on, Take It!". One by one we all began to refuse accepting any movies from Shady because, invariably, they would all SUCK! He took great offense to this. He created this movie reviewer persona to  fight for respect for "All the great movies" that are "Shunned by the Masses of Too Cool's" and "McQueen wannabes" following each others' opinions instead of standing on their own "Two hands like hand walking individuals across the centuries have!". You must understand, Greg laughed when ET died and cried when they closed The Best Little Whore House in Texas; he cheered for Ol' Yellars death and mourned the burnt breast of Sister Agatha in Nude Nuns with Guns! Shady longs for a DareDevil sequel and fails to appreciate The Avengers. Shady Greg's ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE is an absolute abomination entitled Cutthroat Island. Starring a hung over looking Geena Davis and a terribly miscast Matthew Modine, Cutthroat Island is in The Guinness Book of World Records as the all time biggest movie flop in American Cinema history! (Seriously. You can look it up. Bigger flop than ISHTAR. Bigger flop than Heaven's Gate.) Shady reviewed it thusly: Whoa! Shiver Me Timbers, matey! This first mate wants a bottle o' RUM! Ho! Ho! Ho! The Seven Sea's are still Rockin' from HOT HOT HOT Genie Davis pegleggin' her way across 'em! Talk about FULL MAST! I have a rudder a cat couldn't scratch! I am of course talking about CUTTHROAT ISLAND the greatest bouncing Buccaneer bash of Historically accurate Piratey Stuff ever put to film! LAND HO! If you haven't seen this SWASH BUCKLER go to the trash bin of your closest video rental store and pray for a copy, because this is GRADE A enter-Freakin'-tainment! "... ... ...  Shady goes on like that for six pages or so even going so far as to say "this is the kind of movie you get when God his own Self gets behind the camera and CREATES ART for the EYE PATCH CROWD!". Anyhow, if you find one of Shady's movie reviews lying around somewhere DO NOT READ IT! BURN IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! (matey)

Friday, April 12, 2013

SHADY GREG MAKES PURPLE SPANDEX COSTUME-NAMES ALTER EGO- CUT THROAT PHANTOM-Y GUY!

CUT THROAT PHANTOM-Y GUY! That is Shady Greg's new "CRIME FIGHTING TYPE GOOD GUY"  who apparently is also "LIKE RICH AND SUAVE-Y AND HANDSOME-Y AND STUFF" , and according to the Shady One is also "LIKE TOTALLY LETHAL WITH KNIVES AND NUMCHUCKS AND OTHER FORMS OF CHINESE DANGER-Y TYPE POINTY THINGS!" . For all my long term readers you are all aware that Shady Greg is not only an idiot, but also a psychotic nut job menace to all good people everywhere he roams.nbsp;Unfortunately for all, Shady Greg thinks he is perfectly sane and rational and not in need of the Thorazine we all prefer him slaved to. It is because of his completely unhinged, delusional view of the world that it is impossible to get him to understand that simply changing into a purple spandex spank suit and calling himself CUT THROAT PHANTOM-Y GUY! (yes the fucking exclamation point is part of his name) does not immediately make him "Rich and Handsome and lethal". Shady does not grasp this. It's like trying to explain to a Superman obsessed 5 year old that using a bath towel as a cape is not going to allow you to jump from the roof and fly. Shady honestly (first time I've ever combined Shady and Honestly) thinks that his "SUPER COOL KICK-ASS COSTUME"  will allow him to fight crime with impunity and immunity. He even went so far as to point out to me the "SUPER COOL AND FEAR INSPIRING LOGO"  on the chest of his costume. The logo itself will send bad guys running and make them think twice about being bad ever again (his words not mine). The logo, for those of you who are curious, is a silhouette of a Sock Monkey holding (I swear to god!) a sharpened, pointy Chinese banana. How anyone is supposed to know it's a Chinese banana and not just a banana is beyond me. As is the significance of the banana being Chinese. Or how anyone could tell it's sharpened and pointy instead of just pointy. Why a banana at all? Why not a sharp pointy stick? A huge Rambo type knife? Why the fuck a Sock Monkey? Who Knows? Not Shady Greg. He's a fucking idiot! All I got from Greg is that the silhouette makes him mysterious and shit. Also Greg would like his long lost friend, Cold Cash Sam, to get in touch. Warning Sam: Shady wants a pink costumed sidekick called MARSUPIAL MENACE DUDE! (The marsupial one would apparently have a "Killer Kangaroo Pouch of Pulchritude"). [by the way, I am aware that pulchritude means physical beauty.]

Monday, April 1, 2013

SHADY GREG APRIL FOOLS SELF INTO BELIEVING HE IS A MAN!

Perhaps the funniest April Fool's joke ever played! Shady Greg, standing in front of a mirror wearing a wig and a fake mustache, conned himself into believing that he is actually a man! To be a bit more precise Shady actually conned himself into believing that he is Manly and not actually a squirming, vomitus slim slab of slimy squid shit. What a riot! His much more masculine wife finally snapped him out of it and Shady slipped back into self loathing quietly.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

SHADY GREG HEARS "VOICE OF GOD" - CLAIMS GOD GOES BY "FRED"

Shady Greg, the worlds foulest collection of living tissue, has turned over a new leaf. Shady claims that as he was on his way home a "BOOMING" voice broke out over his head saying "Shady Greg! Shady Greg! REPENT! NOW!" (interesting that "GOD" calls him Shady as well. Perhaps he's written in the BOOK OF LIFE that way). Shady looked up and said "Oh dear Lord is that you?" to which the Lord responded "No, Idiot. It's your first grade teacher Mrs. Landry. Of course it is I, The Lord." Greg asked "Oh great Lord what do you want with me, your oh so humble servant?" Then, according to Greg (who even the Lord calls Shady) The Lord said "First off feel free to call me Fred." "FRED?" "naw, just Fred"  "Yes oh Great and Powerful Fred what may I do for you?"  "First off just call me Fred. No need to to preface it with Great and Powerful. I mean, we both know I can turn you into a pillar of salt or flood your basement; whatever strikes my fancy. But ask one of you to call me Fred and it just becomes this giant hassle."  "I see, " said Shady, "So Fred, what else can I do for you?" - Here it should be pointed out that Greg was on the Smart Bus in his usual window seat, licking away moments before this alleged conversation took place. NO ONE ELSE ON THE BUS HEARD FRED'S THE LORD'S END OF THE CONVERSATION!! All any of his fellow passenger's heard and saw was Greg, eyes closed and spittle on his chin, talking very loudly to himself. (which isn't all that unusual for Greg. The Fred business?  yes. Talking to himself? No. Par for the course.)- Anyhow, Greg wants all of us here at Kitchen's and More to refer to him as Shady Pastor Greg the Sparkling Chosen One Golden Boy (unanimously refused) and to listen to him preach from his pulpit. Shady stands on top of a vacuum box and yells all shift long about how we all need to change. Following is part of his spiel from today : Friends, Nomads, Country Musicians-Lend me your ears and I promise to give them back. Better than new! The time of our Lord Fred is Nigh! Follow my lead and give up your PORN! Follow my lead and give up your NIPPLE CUFFS! Follow my lead and give up your KITTEN MINIONS!  For the day of the hour of the blackest night to ever strike in the day is NIGH! REPENT! REPENT NOW! Leave the wickedness of the LUST in your LOINS behind! Particularly pork loin. Terrible stuff. FRED is the WAY! FRED is the LIGHT!  Oops. ..wait a sec..it's just Fred. Fred is light and whatnot" ---- Anyway, I guess we'll just have to wait and see how long this kick lasts because a Shady Greg without porn is like a day without a night; a dog without a bone; a horse with no name wandering around a desert or something. IT JUST ISN"T RIGHT! HELL! WITHOUT SHADY GREG THE ENTIRE ADULT INDUSTRY MAY COLLAPSE! AND IF THAT HAPPENS JUST WHAT IN FRED'S NAME ARE ALL THOSE FAKE TITS SUPPOSED TO DO?!?

Monday, March 25, 2013

HOLY SHIT! THIS CAN'T BE TRUE!

Rumor has it that a "CRACK SMOKING PUPPET" has been wandering the late night streets of Ann Arbor offering "GAY DEEP THROAT 2013" (?) to vaguely sick looking, sunken chested men who smell of "BRUT, ANALLY USED BANANA"S, AND PEACH SCHNAAPS".  The puppet is said to be roughly two feet high, felt, of burgandy complexion,with Chinese eyes and answers to the name WipeMouth Noss. If anybody has any information concerning this puppet please contact Shady Greg at Kitchens and More (vacuum and lingerie department) ASAP! At the very least please tell said puppet that all is forgiven and to please come home.

SHADY GREG'S EX-HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND CLAIMS THEY USED TO SCISSOR ONLY!

What more can be said? We knew he was dickless, just not for how long. Now, for what ever reason, Cindy Lu Who has come forward with her tales of Shady Greg from a bygone era. Cindy, whose husband Horton verifies her claims, stated she knew she wasn't lesbian material after dating Greg. For his part Greg has remained respectful of Cindy, refusing to trash talk her or say anything even slightly critical of her (highly unusual for The Shady One). Greg's only comment to date on the subject was to say that his wife loves his manly vagina and that true scissoring takes GREAT stamina and dexterity.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

SMOKING THE CHINESE DRAGON WITH SHADY GREG (he of the goat slit eyes)

It was another slow day around the sales floor here at Kitchens and More when Shady Greg arrived for his three hour shift (Greg is very delicate and can only work eight hours a week maximum. Usually no more than 90 minutes at a time). The Shady One was not dressed in his usual garish manner, but more like Shaggy from the old Scooby Doo cartoons. Nor did he greet us with his usual stammer of "Hidy Ho Ho Ho's and a Twinkie" but instead a whispered " 'Sup Dudes" as he put his shades in his ratty cargo pants pocket and admired his unlaced 1970's era high tops with all their black magic marker graffiti scribblings. Dear Sweet Ruby said "Hairlo Gleg. You is look different, today". To which Greg replied in his new, affected mumble "Yeah well Babydoll my Aura is Karma and I'm chameleon-ing" while he leaned against a refrigerator fumbling with a pack of orange flavored zig zags. Deer Sweet Ruby scrunched up her nose and asked "What he say? Aura is Karma? That make no sense". Greg whisper-spoke "It makes no sense to you because you don't understand Karma." Ruby's eyes damn near popped out of her head as she hissed "I is Indian, you Freak! We invent Karma! I is understanding you is idiot." "Jason Lee invented Karma" said Shady, "I catch him in reruns". Ruby shook her head and went to sit on a dehumidifier (I'm not kidding. Maybe they vibrate or something. I don't know). I asked Shady, aside from the whole Karma thing what's up with the clothes and the Zig Zags and what appeared to be three days worth of stubble on his chin (I say appeared because Greg's facial hair is as masculine as Ellen DeGeneres's all though I'm sure she has bigger genitals). Shady said he had been riding the Chinese Dragon with his new friend Panda Glen and had never felt better. He then credited Panda Glen with introducing him to Karma, casual clothing, and cock rings for recreational use in rafting and hang gliding. I just sorta stared at Shady while my brain frantically tried to erase some terrible images. Shady then said, "Yeah ol' Panda gets the best Chinese Dragon in town. McCormacks. Right there at Kroegers, so you know it's good. Only charges me a $100 an ounce too!"

Friday, March 1, 2013

KELLY MONACO NUDE not on DANCING W/THE STARS!

KELLY MONACO AND HER BIG LUSCIOUS NUDE TITS will not be on DANCING WITH THE STARS THIS SEASON!!! IF YOU ARE SEARCHING THE NET FOR THE LATEST IN KELLY MONACO NUDE NEWS, KELLY MONACO PORN, KELLY MONACO BLOW JOB, KELLY MONACO SEX TAPE, KELLY MONACO LESBIAN AFFAIR OR ANY OTHER KELLY MONACO INFORMATION MAKE SURE TO CHECK HERE!!! I don't actually stock any Kelly Monaco info here nor do I personally care about Kelly Monaco, but enough of you sick fucks out there web search KELLY MONACO TOE SUCK and KELLY MONACO BANANA BOUNCE and KELLY MONACO POLE DANCE WITH ANAL EXPOSURE that it is worth it to me to mention her occasionally for all the extra hits to my site. Things like KELLY MONACO BITCH SLAPS PAM ANDERSON brings you slimy little fuckers out of the woodwork! Anyway, hope the rest of you have a really great day and I'll see you all later. - KELLY MONACO DOES SPEEDBALLS WHILE TEABAGGING!

SHADY GREG'S STRANGE EATING DISORDER!

The Shady One came back from lunch yesterday with sauce stains all over his shirt and noodles dangling from his ears; not an unusual sight for him. Shady normally returns from lunch with fresh stains decorating his Hawaiin shirts and lederhosen (Shady dresses like a fucking idiot because he is a fucking idiot. I didn't even know Joe Boxer made lederhosen). From Cap'n Crunch to Lobster Bisque, from Mac n Cheese to Animal Crackers; Shady Greg can not eat a meal without wearing half of it. So yesterday I asked him about this. Greg laughed and said " I know. I know. It's strange. I try eating anything with a fork or a spoon and I have no clue where my mouth is. But anytime I'm on my knees, hands cuffed behind my back, blindfold in place, working the Glory Hole at an interstate Truck Stop and NOTHING MISSES MY MOUTH! NOTHING! Strange isn't it?". I reminded myself to never ask Greg questions.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

SHADY GREG HAS SUPER BOWEL PARTY!

Shady Greg, the world's foremost plugged toilet enthusiast, has sunk to new levels of toxic tastelessness. On Super Bowl Sunday (not to mention the Puppy Bowl) the sick Bastard that is the Shady One invited his mini-Horde of Online Peeophiles, Poopophiles, Pukeophiles and all around degenerate Fuck Friends over to the Shady Dungeon (his living room is done in Gothic Stone Wallpaper and he pulls the dusty drapes for privacy) for his annual (anal) Super Bowel Party. Details of the debauchery are slowly beginning to emerge as more people come forward seeking forgiveness from Farmer Brown and the terrible things done to his cows in the name of thrills (one poor Bessy died with a 5 ft. HabiTrail filled with hamsters in her intestines. Purple elbow length rubber gloves were found next to her rigor mortis stiff hooves no more than 10 yards from Shady's back porch.) It is worth noting that Farmer Brown only raises Asian Cows which are revered on the internet for their smaller hooves, petite udders, and willingness to share cud! Before Gay Deep Throat John disappeared from the scene he and Shady had created a website called ASIAN LADY-MOO'S CUD CORRAL which was the first website to feature pregnant, transgender, silicone enhanced udder Longhorns with Catholic overtones. Rumors abound that G.D.T. John was in attendance at the party (his Bowels are legendary in the pervert world) but no proof has yet been found. The local Pizza joint is said to have delivered 32 pounds of anchovies (no pizzas. just anchovies) to the Shady One's house along with 5 gallons of pizza sauce (again. anchovies, sauce, NO actual pizza's). If you, like me, wonder at the signifigance of these deliveries allow me to enlighten you. It turns out G.D.T. John has long been an advocate of anchovies for their natural supply of oils which are used in several cheap off brand "personal lubricants". One can only assume the pizza sauce is because anchovies are an acquired taste. So it appears, yet again, that Gay Deep Throat John is back on the scene. For some strange reason he has yet to return to the public eye. As for Shady Greg and his Super Bowel Party, Ribbed 32 Day Glo 27 (no high fives, a lot of fists).

Saturday, February 2, 2013

BELARUS DECIDES TO BECOME A PLAYER!

Belarus, a country filled with Bela-roos-ons (Belarussians looks like Bell-A-Russians) is a very interesting little country located somewhere other than the Americas. Actually, landlocked in between Poland, Ukraine and Russia (or possibly just south of Sweden) Belarus is sensitive to being landlocked and frequently likes to tell unsuspecting people it is a beautiful island with gorgeous white sandy beaches. Some native to Belarus refer to themselves as BelOrussians (with out capitalizing or underlining the "O" which I did only for emphasis) but of course those people are fucking idiots because the letter "O" is not in the name of the country so it would be illegal to use it in the name of the people! (Duh!) Anyhow, scientists and geologists and certain math teachers like to debate how Belarus is pronounced: either Bell-a-ruse or Bee-lair-us. To this day no right answer has been determined. Kinda strange, isn't it? I personally would simply like to thank the many good people of Bee-lair-us who visit this blog on a daily basis. You Mothers are some Heavy, Heavy Players. Keep rocking to that "80's" music the rest of us left behind by 1990. (it's just so cute you haven't updated!)

Monday, January 21, 2013

MY THANKS TO URUGUAY GABE!

Just a big shout out to the bad weather follower URUGUAY GABE who has become the first resident of Uruguay (permanent or part time) to log on to this Blog. I am a HUGE fan of Uruguay the same way I am a huge fan of Uranus. For the bad puns and dumb jokes (you know, "I can see Uranus" "Bullshit and fuck you it's only Saturn"). I like saying to Russian weightlifter type chicks "Uruguay" (pronounced -U R A GUY) or i like saying to less than manly men "Uruguay" (pronounced- U R A Gay). Oh man, the good times and huge laff's. Thanks agin, URUGUAY GABE! and I think I can see your PLUTO.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

MY LONG AWAITED DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS POST!

Here, my faithful readers and cult like followers, is my much requested D&D post (D&D is a short, quick, hip way to say Dungeons and Dragons to fellow gamers in the know [gamers-people who play games like D&D or Shoots and Ladders] -interesting side note Shoots and Ladders was the predecessor to Donkey Kong). People are constantly wanting to tap into my vast knowledge concerning D&D history and strategy and now I plan to share it all. So first let us start with history: Dungeons and Dragons was originally conceived by Norway's King Harald the Icy back in 1392 on a sleet filled Sunday when his wife was out shopping. King Harald named his new game Fuck Denmark but then Denmark invaded Norway and took over (can you imagine getting your ass kicked by Denmark? Denmark! How chicken shit do you have to be?) and the game was renamed Orve un Nort de Horhies which literally translates to Damn it's cold and Fuck the Norwegians. The game was an instant hit. Except in Norway. King Harald, who now lived in a shack on the outskirts of Vunderhoos, never received any royalties which is ironic since he was a king. The popularity of Orve un Nort de Horhies waned in the Dark Ages as people got preoccupied with the Bubonic Plague and dying and shit. Also it was tough to see the board in the dark. Then, in 1973, some dope smoking hippies came along who were really into Hobbits and shit and had plenty of time on their hands due to lack of social commitments and they decided to smoke more dope. Then they "invented" a new game (It really pissed off the Denmarkians ... the Donuts... The Danish! because they wanted royalties but nobody could understand a word they said; it was all "Der da der der da doo der"  which only made the dope smokers giggle. Anyhow, the Hippies named their new game DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (The bold type is more manly and well Hung-ish) and it instantly attracted an audience of roughly 25 people! They all met at first in Fred's basement but Fred's mom got pissed about having to make 25 PB&J's each week with the crusts cut off (PB&J is a short,quick, hip way to say zero effort). The game grew through word of mouth until the audience had nearly tripled by the mid 80's and Fred's basement gave way to smaller groups of 4 or 5 people meeting at Ted's or Harry's or even Gunther's room above the garage. Then, in 1997, Stan created the first new addition to the game called Orc's on a Picnic which cost $1.25 and added new layers and depth to the game by bringing picnics into the mix. Orc's on a Picnic is a Roll20 standard on a D24 Table otherwise known as a FLAIL SNAILS game. It is the first module to introduce THE KHARGHRA as a left handed loan shark with a soft spot for elves. This is a module that still rivals MOAR and BLACKMOAR in popularity although many people (roughly 12) felt that the distinct absence of the PRINCES of ELEMENTAL EVIL is unforgivable. These days D&D is an international sensation with over 700 proud gamers World Wide! New modules are arriving on the scene almost daily and the more adventureous ones (yours truly) enjoy our combat with 30 sided dice and some Harry Potter Butter Beer. One last thing the Norwegians really do spell Harold as Harald. Fucking Norwegians!

Monday, January 14, 2013

JEALOUS SHADY GREG ADMITS ENVY FOR ALL ATTENTION PAID TO FRIEND GAY DEEP THROAT JOHN AND APOLOGISE'S FOR SPREADING DEATH RUMOR ABOUT GAY JOHN WHICH INVOLVED A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF ICE SKATES AND POISONOUS SNAKES AND A CHER IMPERSONATOR WHO SINGS MINELLI IN CLOGS AND SHADY SWEARS HE WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN AND IS ACTUALLY HAPPY FOR THE GAY ONE BEING BACK IN THE LIMELIGHT AND WISHES HIM ALL THE BEST AND STUFF!

Considering the size of the headline there really is no point to writing anything else. Oh! Gay Deep Throat John, if he really is still alive, will probably change his name back to Gay John or DT John as a courtesy to all writers everywhere who tire of typing Gay Deep Throat John over and over. Obviously, I'm only guessing at the name change. Also allow me to add Oh! Oh! Kelly Monaco, wafer thin dancing druggie, is reportedly interested in making a mini-series based on the odd fellowship of Shady Greg and his little, happy (gay) pal Gay Deep Throat John. Gossip overheard at the ice skating rink (I wasn't at the ice skating rink. I simply heard gossip that came from the ice skating rink) states that Ms. Monaco would not only produce the mini-series, but also tackle the role of Shady Greg's Zombie Cock.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

GAY DEEP THROAT JOHN RE-APPEARS AT BIG BANG PARTY!

Gay Deep Throat John, the gayest of the Gay, has finally re-appeared on the scene. At least it is believed to be the Gay One. Long feared dead from a bizarre revenge murder/suicide involving: poisonous snakes, ice skating, ice skating Muppets, GLEE impersonators in drag on ice skates, and a whole lot of Tonya Harding Wrestling moves making use of choke holds and crying. Turns out the whole thing was some sort of performance art piece protesting performance art. Go figure. Anyhow, about a week ago rumors began swirling around the sales floor here at Kitchens and More that a pinkish, Apeman type with combed pubic hair on his head resembling Gay Deep Throat John had been arrested at an after hours club which had been host to a Big Bang Party. Understand, this was not a party celebrating The Big Bang Theory television show; this was just a "Big Bang Party" (your guess is as good as mine, however, the newspaper reported that the party featured  an entertainer known only as The Mexican Firecracker Ass W/2.3 cu. ft. capacity whose nickname is Echo's). The paper went on to say that a masked man in a leotard and froggy slippers attempted to belly flop away from capture (Gay Deep Throat John is extremely proud of his belly flopping ability) and was caught only after his cape got hung up on a chain link fence (Gay Deep Throat John frequently dressed in leotard, cape, and either Wonder Woman boots or Piggy slippers and had never successfully belly flopped over a chain link fence!). The paper also stated that the Police had raided the party after an anonymous tip reported underage Thai LadyBoys were charging $10 an hour for something called Gay Deep Foot. Coincidently, Gay Deep Throat John had long been known to have an interest in Gay Semi-Deep Hairy Hobbit Foot, so ...... Stay tuned. Gay Deep Throat John may be back.  Or maybe not. We will wait and see.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

OVERLY RANDOM IS RANDOM TANGENTS!

Yes, I, The Fabulous Mr. Jimmy Keith, am well aware how random my blog is. I do appreciate all the emails informing me  that I capitalize words when they don't need it. I appreciate all the letters pointing out my complete and total disregard for correct punctuation. I love the phone calls telling me I comma when I should semi-colon and I semi-colon when I should comma. I have great respect for all the instant messaging that discusses my over use of exclamation points; and I have laughed at the texts saying I don't use parentheses enough (believe me. I am King of Parenthetical writing). Now, please, understand me as I say to all my readers (with great respect) : FUCK OFF. I honestly DO NOT CARE. This Blog Jumped The Fucking Shark some 40 Posts ago! I have big plans to jump back over the SHARK soon! Then I shall re-jump him (or her. or it, in case sharks mate with themselves like certain electronics salesman I have met). I shall continue jumping back and forth over said shark until I feel done. UNTIL I FEEL SATED. I stick punctuation anywhere I feel like, and capitalize whenever I want because this is MY BLOG DAMN IT! I was going to make this a "WELCOME TO ALL MY NEW FRIENDS FROM ARGENTINA!" post except you little Argentinian fuckers are the most anal retentive shitheads on the planet! I like underlining certain words or changing my font style or size to suit my mood. But you Bastards from Argentina (A Bolivian speaking people) are all concerned with the grammatical accurateness of my writing. WHO GIVES A FUCK? I also don't care if my facts are not 100% on point. There is no truth to facts except facts that are true and since not all facts are true then truth must be over rated. And Dat's Da Fact, JACK!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

SHADY GREG AND HIS NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Shady Greg has announced to us all: "The New Year will usher in a new and improved Shady Greg". My first response concerned what would be improved if your still shady? Greg was immensely pleased with my inquiry. He then explained at length that he will still lie, steal, cheat, and deceive; however, he will now do it with a song in his heart, a smile on his lips, and a semi-hidden erection (he used to flaunt his erections while ripping people off. Then he cut his dick off and couldn't. Then he got a Zombie Cock for a cock which really freaked people the fuck out when it went to full mast and Greg would giggle uncontrollably while it "Crowed"). I said "So, your New Year Resolution is to be more openly joyful while swindling?". "One of my resolutions; yes." As it turns out Greg has a very long list of things he plans to do differently in 2013. Some are actually fairly decent (on a very skewered scale) like his resolution to stop telling all  small children that Santa does not exist (only every other child he meets. The Shady One seems to feed on the tears of the young. And the old. And the middle aged.) Other resolutions of Greg's fall into the "too much information" category; for example: Shady will now only go on fisting expeditions with Kelly Monaco when on Ecstasy instead of speedballs and booze (yes, fisting not fishing). Greg has also stated for the record that from now on only condom encased foreign objects can be forcibly stuffed into any one of his structurally failing orifice's. Apparently, in days of old, Greg picked up one too many infections from rectum swallowing day old French baguettes with Bristol Palin crack piping away in the "cheering" section. Shady swears he will never again anally "beer bong" diet coke and mentos simply for YouTube fame (747,341 views. Check it out if you can stomach it. That's Greg in the Hello Kitty mask on all fours screaming "Feel the BURN!, baby, Feel the FUCKING BURN!" while an open mouthed and awed Oprah impersonator gets drenched in the unthinkable). For comparison, last year Shady Greg made one resolution : To stop eating Kit Kats. That lasted one day. The next day Greg was arrested for having a "Chocolate Orgy" with two Brownie Scouts and a dog (The Sick Fuck! Chocolate can kill a dog!)