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Friday, November 30, 2012

WELCOME TO ALL MY NEW ISRAELI FRIENDS!

Hey Ho! Now this is awesome! This blog, so long ignored by The Chosen People, has finally been embraced by my fellow Israelites! I am incredibly happy about this. I have ... OK maybe we should back up a minute and shine the light of clarification on something. When I said "my fellow Israelites"  some of you may have construed that to mean that I was born in Israel, or that, perhaps, I reside there now. No. Matter of fact I have never even visited Israel. I did once watch a Travel Channel documentary about Israel. Well, not the whole documentary. It was very long. Not to mean boring; just very long. Like two hours or something. With NO nudity. There were a few helicopter explosions and shit, but NO TITS! I can't be expected to sit still for two whole hours without some form of objectifying of women. I don't want to sound sexist or anything, but I was weaned on CADDYSHACK and ANIMAL HOUSE and BLACK SHAMPOO and shit. You know what I'm saying? The sort of movie where in between laughs and/or explosions tits appear on screen for no good reason. A prime example is TRADING PLACES. That movie flashes tits for no other reason then because. Just BECAUSE. Because is a great fuckin' reason for tits, ya know? Anyhow, I am running out of time for todays "Welcome To ..." blog. In conclusion allow me to just say thank you to all my new Israelite friends and FUCK THE PALESTINIENS! (at least until some fuckin' Palestine types start to frequent this site. Then I'm sure I'll welcome them too. I'm a whore for the page view).

Saturday, November 17, 2012

CANADA, YOU WORTHLESS FUCKS SICKEN ME!

HEY CANADA! I flat out told you that you were running neck and neck with France (I hate France) and that you needed to up your page views on this blog to blow France (I hate France) away. As is typical with Canada, you pussed out! The French are kicking your ass (The French!). The French haven't kicked anybodies ass since Ann Boleyn was looking to get married and that was only a couple of out of work Englishmen who had been drunkenly mouthing off about crepes being papery shit (merde!) compared to a pancake. Of course you Canadians are related to both the French and the English, the two biggest empire blowers outside of Spain!- I would like to go on record as saying that I have met a lot of people from France and almost all of them have been wonderful, nice people. I hate the French government. I also hate a lot of Parisians (arrogant, snotty Bastards!). Canada Sucks!

Friday, November 16, 2012

SHADY GREG DISGUSTED BY VODKA ENEMA (WANTS ANOTHER, THO)

Shady Greg received a gift card to Major Marjorie's Discipline Boutique for his birthday and finally got around to using it the other day. His harried hardworking harlot, Gulag Greta gets gimpy if asked to spank him too often so she farms out his pain and humiliation needs to an understanding, sympathetic transgender Dominatrix with a Novocaine addiction ( although she shares none with her trash [clients]). Shady normally just goes in for the Jim Norton special but this time he wanted to try something new (ever since his twisted heroin induced weekend with Kelly Monaco Shady has gotten more and more inept at dealing with "normal" society. I mean he now wears spurs through his nose because he thinks he has Cowboy Nostrils (I don't know what they are either.)). Anyhow, Greg decided to try the Anal Addict Fantasy Frolic (just typing that made my balls shrink) which meant that he got to dress like THOR (which he does a lot anyway) and take the HAMMER of the GODZ up his ... well obviously being an anal addict special where he took it is normally a one way tunnel for most others but is a well travelled hamster habitat for Greg. Apparently, before one can take the HAMMER thing one must be cleansed. Major Marjorie bent Shady THOR over her Hello Kitty Bondage Bidet (complete with little pink shackles and boiling water jet spray) to clean the outside of his crooked crappy crack. The boiled boils on THOR'S bony butt burned brightly. Major Marjorie choked back puke and reminded herself this was all only until she graduated college. Now it was time to cleanse the inside. It was time for The Vodka Enema! Shady dropped to all fours while Major Marjorie tightened the choker around his neck and placed her cold spiked booted heel upon his scrawny neck. Shady yipped like a frightened terrier. -Due to the sensitivity of many of my readers stomachs (especially you sickly little French Bastards, you know who you are) I shall skip the more graphic details and just say that when the clear liquid entered Shady, he screamed "Fuck a Duck!" and launched forward caroming off the wall and landing face down in a KY jelly pie (I honestly don't know what that is either!). Shady pushed himself up and barked "What the fuck Marj? That's nothing like gargling!"

Thursday, November 15, 2012

SHADY GREG CRIED LIKE A BABY OVER GILLES MARINNI GETTING THE BOOT FROM DWTS!

Caught bawling like a baby when the news broke that Gilles Marinni had gotten kicked off of DWTS, Shady Greg the vagina of all pussies, declared that an onion had flown into his eye causing the tears (Yes. An actual onion. Shady is an idiot). While I agree it probably should have been Emmitt who got the boot, I am not emotionally invested in the show to cry over it. Greg is THE vagina of all Pussies!

Friday, November 9, 2012

SHADY GREG SHOOTS UP WITH KELLY MONACO!

Shady Greg, the worlds foremost degenerate, has "degenerated" even more. Shady was in LA trying to sell his manuscript LIFE IS SHIT AND SO ARE YOU to MGM for a cool half million (declined) (escorted to the curb) (for good measure they then stepped on his head) (ouch!), anyhow while out there he snuck into the studio where DWTS is filmed. He posed as a potted plant but was discovered when a stage hand pointed out that a real potted plant would have more personality. While on the run from security he slipped into Kelly Monaco's dressing room pretending to be a Sales Rep from Bulimia Inc. with all new inventive ways to not keep a meal down. Kelly was thrilled. Shady has long had a crush on Kelly Monaco and even confessed to her " I've jacked off to the thought of your nude body so often when I'm in the shower I'm amazed a baby hasn't crawled out of the drain"! Kelly, cruising on the heroin highway, was excited by Shadys' soul baring honesty and ghostly pallor. She asked him "So do you like to shoot speedballs?" Shady Greg, not having any clue what he was being asked, replied "Of course Baby Doll. I even shoot basketballs". Kelly laughed at what she thought was a joke and not proof of Shadys cluelessness. She pulled a baggie of brown/white powder out of a bureau drawer, that Greg figured was Cinnamon sugar, but was actually a potent mix of cocaine and heroin with a taste of rat poison for good measure. Kelly cooked it in a spoon over the flame of a Jr. scientist bunsen burner. She told Shady to roll up his sleeve. He did. Kelly discovered the fact that Greg has veins like a mosquito (is anything manly with this guy?) so she shot him up in his pale bony ass. - Long story short. Shady was arrested three hours later trying to give a hickey to a palm tree. Ironically, I have been contacted by MGM to sell the movie rights to this story!

Friday, November 2, 2012

SHADY GREG NIPPLE CUFFS SELF TO FROZEN TURKEY!

Shady Greg, the most selfish Bastard to ever walk the Earth, has solidified his acceptance into the Selfish Bastard Hall of Shame Fame for his latest act of  bastardly selfishness. Shady Greg's long suffering wife Gulag Greta (name changed to protect the innocent) bought a 23 lb. frozen turkey for the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday (a good pre-season sale at Kroger) because family is coming in for a shady reunion. Greg, the selfish bastard, took one look at the size of the turkey and immediately proclaimed the right drumstick to be his (along with the neck, all giblets, the wishbone and first three spoonfuls of creamed corn). Gulag Greta, bless her soul, patiently explained to Shady that Thanksgiving is weeks away and he can't just lay claim to a drumstick on an uncooked turkey. So Shady Greg pouted. He whined. He begged. He pleaded. He demanded. Nothing worked. Then inspiration hit (along with perspiration. Shady Greg sweats like a motherfucker once he gets going). Shady drove down the block to his favorite hookah joint which recently underwent a name change and is now called Kasheeva Kat Kafe (previously known as Kasheeva Kare far too many homeless people entered looking for free hookah care packages) (in my experience it's tough to find a hookah who cares-most are so jaded by the life). Shady walked in, found Woobie (his favorite belly dancer/ belly bookie) and said "Woobie! - Woobie Woobie Woobie! I need you to pierce my nipple!". To which Woobie replied "Sure you  Shady! Why is you nipple not? We make you nipple that not is! If both not then both be! We make you nipple Hole-y! You hear me say? Hole-y! Joke I make". Woobie then convulsed in a fit of laughter until she backlogged so much snot she choked to near death, passed out on the floor. So Shady drove home, ran into his garage, backed up and opened the garage door and drove in. He then stripped off his shirt and grabbed his nipple (a practiced motion if ever there was one) and shoved a screwdriver through it. The pain was immense; damn near crippiling. Shady screamed loudly and came (he is a sick fuck). After a cigarette the greedy, selfish Bastard went and nipple cuffed himself to the turkey. The drumstick is all but his. Of note, in Saudi Arabia he and the turkey are now married. Or would be if they were in Saudi Arabia. Good thing they aren't though, the turkey hates veils.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SATANISM IN CARTOONS!

I  can't believe I am finally going to confront the truth about THE OTHERS and THE ILLUMINATTI and SATAN and BIGFOOT and THE GOVERNMENT and how almost all of you are mind fucked ZOMBIES due to gamma rays from the TV and the radio and the microwave and the clock radio and stuff that THEY planted into your life without you even knowing it and now you believe in what they want you to believe which is not the truth but is instead numbing venom from the farthest reaches of our galaxy liken URANUS and no I am not giggling because I said URANUS lots of evil fucked up thoughts come from your anus I mean URANUS get real people unless you are lady ga ga you do not think with your anus and I am not ripping on lady ga ga it's just that she is SATANIC and makes music videos that are SATANIC instead of fun and I refuse to capitalize her name because she is in ALLEGIANCE with THE OTHERS and THEY want your blood and stuff because THE GOVERNMENT is bringing on THE NEW WORLD ORDER and if you spell ga ga backwards it spells TROUBLE and lady backwards is nothing but pure nonsense but still THE ILLUMINATTI love the evil nonsense and stuff like Jack and Jill going up a hill is OK but that kid that sticks his thumb in a PIE is a GOVERNMENT CONTROLLED MIND FUCKED ZOMBIE and I praise Tila Tequila the beautiful heaven sent ANGEL for inspiring me to step forward and speak the truth about the SATANISTS who are in bed with the music video makers who are in bed with MOONMEN and THE GOVERNMENT and THE OTHERS who are in bed with the sheet makers but not the mattress makers if you can believe that shit because the mattress makers are in league with the PILLOW makers and they are all stuck up assholes and if you read between the lines then you know what I'm talking about but I really can't say more now because they (THEY) are coming to my door again anytime now but I don't care because I am not scared anymore because I took there best shot and I am still here telling the TRUTH and you should all know that CARTOONS with bugs bunny and daffy and speedy border breaker and coyote and the right wing CONSERVATIVE HESTON-LIKE gun toting maniac with the hippy hair and the rest are all SATANIC DUH! why do you think DEVIL is in the NAME of a character from tasmania which is a well known hotspot of SATANS WIVES stay free those of you who know and to those who don't heed my words and I pray for your souls