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Thursday, July 10, 2014

While Brazil Burns Netherlands Goes Home!

Argentina, you have my sincerest thanks. The Fucking Netherlanders have been dismissed. I am grateful. You played a BRILLIANT game of "Futbol", Argentina. At least I was told you did. I didn't watch. I mean, 90 minutes of game time and still no score. Overtime? No score. So you won by shoot out. Great. Really. I am glad you won because I hate the Netherlanders. Creepy little Bastards! But I didn't watch the game. I watched paint dry instead.- I am curious now that Team Brazil choked on a Pressure Dog- Is the Brazilian Gov't pleased with its 14 billion dollars of public funds going to all those now useless stadiums? Probably. Soccer Rules!- In other news, the 34 year old Potter kid now has a Honey of a Boo Boo on his cheek. Great. Really.- @ midnight Rules! No you shut up Rules! Out.

Monday, June 30, 2014

THE FUCKING NETHERLANDS!?!

Yes, it is I, the fabulous Mr. Jimmy Keith, back from the dead for a quick word of "Hello". Hi (quicker than hello). This blog, open to everybody with no boundaries to race, religion, or Facebook status has recently crossed a line! Yes, it seems that during my absence a few of the SCUM from the NETHERLANDS decided to take a look at what is written here. My blog is open to everyone EXCEPT the "people" of the NETHERLANDS. OK. I also admit that I discourage most French from visiting these pages. Also, I am not overly fond of many Canadians (Red Green chief among them. Feed Red Green to the penguins and Canada might be bearable). North Koreans. I dislike North Koreans. Well, at least their little gnome leader. OK. I dislike a lot of stupid Fucks too numerous to name, however, I never attempted to close my blog to them. But Netherlanders from fucking NETHERLANDS? Too much to take! Rename your country INDECENT LANDS. Let's be more up front about it and that would be a starting point. Also, stop hiding from the rest of us. You only come out every four years for the World Cup and then go back to your infected NETHERLANDS for more squirming and stuff ( who the hell knows what you do down there). It all makes you seem very untrustworthy and squirmy and stuff. Now go away until you meet my demands!

Monday, February 3, 2014

SHADY GREG HAS LAST LAUGH!

The EVIL Shady Greg may just have the last laugh. I, your most trusted reporter, have been captured by The Doom Bringers. I secretly write this message from the back of a horse drawn cart, bound and cramped in a tiny steel cage as we bounce and bump to my impending imprisonment. I beg you, my faithful readers, to stay strong in my absence (and continue to mock Canadians for me. Also, continue to occasionally curse the French. Thanks.) I can't believe this is the end of discussing the Satanism of cartoons or mentioning KELLY MONACO NUDE WITH PUBIC HAIR SMILE! (or something along those lines). Perhaps we shall meet again. For now, adieu. Wait. Scratch that. That sounded French ( even tho adieu is a Swiss word meaning "later Heidy"). Until next time - Take care.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

BOTSWANA TELLS MALAWI TO FUCK OFF!

Apparently, Botswana has not been overly pleased with all of the attention bestowed upon Malawi since Malawi came to the World's attention by joining my blog (Yes, the entire province of Malawi or state or country or whatever the fuck it is, has joined my blog. They simply have not gotten around to updating their profile or anything).Botswana , in an apparent move of jealous rage has emailed me with an announcement that they too are a country or city or at least a semi-large gathering of similarly dressed people who would like the world to take notice. Now, I do not wish to set a bad precedent by leading all you crazies out there to believe that by emailing me I will use the overwhelming popularity of my blog to push forth whatever fucked up agenda you may have. That is not the case! However, Botswana asked me nicely. Also I get a huge kick out of saying their name. BOTSWANA! BOTSWANA! BOTSWANA! Isn't that fun? Try saying this with a few Sam Adams in your system: "Botswana Malawi Malawi Botsie Australia Botswana Malawi ". Actually, that was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Do you want to know what's really weird? If say Botswana in french it is still pronounced "bots-w-an-a" because the stupid french (I refuse to capitalize french) don't have a word for bots or w! Isn't that Fucked Up? Stupid french.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Malawi? What? Is that African? Malawi?

Very weird, but I seem to have picked up a couple of readers from Malawi. I think that means they are from Africa. I don't know the Australian Continent to well tho so maybe they are only from the country of Africa and Malawi is merely a city therein. Geology is not my strong suit. Oddly tho I love geography because I have a strong love of rocks. I would like to say hello to my new (Malaysian?) readers: HELLO! I have no clue how to spell the click clicks that I think are your native tongue at least according to South Park. You probably do not have South Park in Malawi if you live in a grass hut which is what I think you live in if you live in Malawi because Malawi is not known for sky scrapers and stuff. I mean if it was there would be no doubt as to whether or not Malawi is part of the Australian continent. Anyhow, South Park is a very informative (and often humorous) television program that uses colors to captivate viewers unlike I Love Lucy which shunned colors to be more artsy and sophisticated and stuff. That is why I like South Park (and rocks).I can relate.

Monday, November 25, 2013

WHAT THE FUCK GIVES WITH AUSSIES AND GYMNASTS?

My Blog had been an absolute must read throughout Austraila and Romania. It was hailed as a break through in "HUMAN COMMUNICATION WITH COMPASSION" and was frequently quoted by Sulley Bonscott the famous (only in austraila) talk show host with the terrible hair lip. In Romania my Blog had been widely read by all of their gymnasts for its great training tips and compassion towards tumbling midgets. Apparently, NO MORE! No Aussies or Romanians have visited my Blog in over a year! What gives? I love both "shrimp on the barbie" (or shrimp on the Elmo doll) and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE underagers with cute accents, destroyed feet, over muscled buttocks and a gift for cartwheels. Where is the return love?

Friday, November 15, 2013

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! FINALLY, SOMEONE NEW TO BLOG ABOUT!!!

Hello once again to all of my faithful readers! I bet most of you were thinking we would never speak again, right? Well, I'm back! Shady fucking Greg is (hopefully) in the past, having hopped a ship bound for Samoa to tend bar at some GAY AS HELL Tiki Hut style drinking establishment designed for Bondage bent banana blowers bumping butts with butt banging banana bangers. Shady and his Zombie Cock will fit right in. Anyhow, as I reported last month I myself have moved out to beautiful downtown Novi and am working at the Novi Kitchens and More Super Store. It is here, among the mostly clean, intelligent, classy, and wealthy people of Beautiful Downtown Novi that one of the strangest half breed semi humans lurks. His name is Chico Lowrider. Chico is of a mixed Latino/Neaderthal heritage with a touch of Labrador thrown in for good measure (Chico is very loyal and great at retrieving sticks and balls). Chico is, more or less, the appliance department mascot. Standing five feet tall with hunched shoulders, sloped forhead, beady criminal eyes and a generally shifty appearance; Chico makes most people uncomfortable and small children cry instantly. He onced sued Disney for defamation of character after the animated version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame was released. Chico felt the character resembled him too closely. The Disney lawyers took one look at Chico and settled out of court for an undisclosed sum (although, after Chico gets a few beers in him he'll tell you he recieved a lifetime supply of ALPO. Chico does not own a dog). Chico calls everybody "Holmes". It gets very annoying trying to figure out what the idiot is talking about when what you hear is "Hey Holmes. Holmes say that Holmes was late yesterday. Have you seen Holmes today or is Holmes home?". Chico carries one box cutter in his hand while keeping at least three more on his body at all times. Chico says that his job requires lots of box cutting and that his personality requires lots of defending. "Hey Holmes! I cut you Holmes!" is frequently heard around the sales floor here. Oddly, it is usually Chico threatening an old Rubiks Cube he found in his alley home that he feels torments him. I think Chico could provide a lot of story material for the future. I shall keep you all informed. ADIOS!