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Sunday, June 17, 2012

SHADY GREG EATS OWN POOP TO LOOK COOL IN FRONT OF DOGS

Shady Greg, never one to be cool in front of humans, has taken to attempting coolness in front of his dogs. Long shunned from any meaningful human contact, with no sane friends who also have the power of speech (his sane "friends" when trapped by his company feign muteness while searching for escape routes) and a father-in-law who never hides his displeasure with Greg; the Shady One now worries what his dogs think of him. Most humans enjoy dogs because dogs are non-judgemental and love their owners unconditionally. Greg's dogs have lots and lots of conditions before they love him, even forcing him to sign a non-disclosure form concerning the extent of the relationship (Shady isn't allowed to discuss whether or not he has ever petted either dog until 10 years after the oldest ones' death---Also, I just find this to be a rather interesting side note, but, most dogs have absolutely no religious beliefs what-so-ever. Shady Greg has two dogs now who, ever since moving in with him, at the very least, firmly believe in Purgatory).Anyhow, Shady noticed that his Dwarf Doberman (not a min pin but an honest to goodness Dwarf Doberman), named Salt Substitute, frequently eats its own poop immediately after dropping. Shady, who thinks Salt Substitute is pretty cool, decided this must be what cool dogs do. Therefor, so must he. So Shady, in plain view of the neighbors now shits his own lawn then drops to all fours and eats it. He then runs inside and washes it down with cool refreshment from the toilet. Sadly, his dogs still think him needy and nerdy.

Friday, June 15, 2012

COWBOY JOHN AND HIS LASSO OF TRUTH!

Cowboy John, who constantly reminds us that he is going "cowboy" by saying things like "My nickname should be pendulum for all the swinging I'm doing!", has now added a lasso to his accessory list. He calls it his Lasso o' Truth (Yes. We did tell him that is very Wonder Woman- ish. However, up until 3 days ago he was called Gay Deep Throat Massage Sucks A Lot Jonnie the Human Porta Potty John. So he didn't really care. Besides, he wears vintage 1972 Mark Spitz aqua blue Speedo's everyday with thigh high red Wonder Woman boots. I think the lasso is just the next step on his personal path of evolution and self-discovery. Also, I am really starting to think that he is a bigger flame than the Olympic Torch. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Please, no hate mail. Anyhow, The Lasso O' Truth is supposed to bring out the best in each associate and help us to be honest with customers and increase our sales per hour by some convoluted system Cowboy came up with. The funny thing was yesterday when Cowboy John "truth lassoed" Shady Greg and the Lasso O' Truth (really just a piece of cheap gold colored twine) immediately caught fire and began to smoke while The Shady One's eyes bugged out and he began barking "Truth sucks Wang! Truth sucks Wang!" (Wang being Shady's Chinese opium dealer who lies a lot). I don't think the Lasso O' Truth will last much longer.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

YEAH, HE IS NOW KNOWN AS COWBOY JOHN ( or Gay Spurs) who cares

The Gayest of the Gay has changed his name, yet again. Due to an online management manual written by an inexperienced sarcastic child with no previous work record which has convinced Gay Stress Throat Massage John (or whatever the Hell his last nickname was) to change his management style. He "learned" the secret to a happy work force (farce?) is "to feel a connectivity to the management staff". This new knowledge has led to GayBoy calling himself Cowboy John. Is he a cowboy because he rides a horse, ropes cattle, and shoots bandits? No. Is he a cowboy who drives a pick-up truck, chews "tobaccy" and talks like an idiot? No. He is not even Bon Jovi gay cowboy-ish. Nope. The deluded charity case adopted the moniker Cowboy John because he has (apparently. according to him. I have not checked.) ceased wearing Boxers or Briefs or anything underneath his Korean knock-off Dockers; hence, he is "going Cowboy". Even more hence, Cowboy John. Thus hence the Hence-ness, thusly. Cowboy John then felt compelled to describe how "being without constraints while wearing cheap thin slacks" has caused him to walk faster because "the rush of the air provides its' own excitement which he then passes on to his employees with a grateful (and satisfied) smile. I told him if I so much as caught a hint of satisfied smiling excitement heading towards me I would stuff him in a microwave and Nuke it out of him. He then shouted "YIPPEE! MOVE IT ALONG LIL' DOGGIE! HAPPY TRAILS KEMOSABE...". I shoved his Village People Chaps down his throat.

Friday, June 8, 2012

TRULY GREAT POETRY!

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM POKESSY
WHOSE HAIR WAS NEVER MESSY
HE LIKED TO STAND AROUND AND TALK
ABOUT HIS BORING DAY AND BORING WALK
HE BORED HIS FRIENDS AND BORED HIS WIFE
HE BORED HIMSELF WITH HIS BORING LIFE
HE COULD NOT EVEN MASTURBATE
WITH NO IMAGINATION TO STIMULATE
A BORING DICK WAS HIS FATE
AND HIS NAME WAS GREG

Sunday, June 3, 2012

SHADY GREG TURNS 25, PERFECTS FUCK YOU ATTITUDE AND WALKS AROUND WITH HIS DICK IN A BOX SINGING "DICK IN A BOX"

Shady Greg, always a bit of an ass, but now is UBER-ASS do to celebrating his 25th anniversary with Kitchens and More. Yes, believe it or not, Shady has been with the company for 25 years. I, personally, am having a hard time believing it for two reasons : 1) Putting up with Greg for a year is close to impossible, 25? No fucking way! 2) Kitchens and More have only been in business for 19 years. Very Shady indeed! So Shady likes to show us all his "25 years of Service" pin that the company gave him in lieu of cash for his (17 1/2 at best) 25 years of working here. Big fucking deal, dimwit. Have a cookie. Anyhow, now that Greg has "proof" of his tenure here he has become completely insufferable. He's always talking about the "Good ol' days" and shit like "Back in the day we did things a little differently" and my personal favorite "I remember when..."- I mean this fucking idiot can't remember to chew his gum and he wants me to listen to his bullshit stories of yesteryear. I don't think so. Even more annoying is his flat out refusal to help with anything around the store because "I've been here 25 years and have put away more stock than you have ever dreamed of so you can put that away yourself". Also, he finally saw "Dick in a box" on YouTube and now walks around with his dick literally in a Fucking BOX! Plus he won't stop singing that same line over and over in a mumbled whisper of a voice "dick inna box  dick inna box whoa baby whoo dick inna box yowza". He is absolutely OUT OF CONTROL!