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Friday, May 31, 2013

THE ONE MILLION DOLLAR PRIZE!

   Little Bobby Dugan, an older than his years nine year old smart ass, was upstairs getting dressesd for a Church Dinner he didn't want to attend. Bobby had been given an hour to get ready and it was all ready 5 minutes passed with his pants and shoes still to go. "Bobby! Come on!" his mother yelled from the bottom of the stairs. With no response Mrs Dugan gathered in a lung full of air and yelled even louder, "Come on Bobby! Now! COME! ON!". Little Bobby stuck his head around the corner and yelled back "I'm Coming! I'm Coming!" and under his breath he added "in my pants!". Suddenly, balloons dropped from the ceiling as sirens and whistles went off. Confetti and streamers shot down the stairwell and a huge brass band began to play FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW. Ryan Seacrest burst thru the front door carrying a giant cardboard check made out for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Ryan grabbed Mrs Dugan and shouted over the music "MRS DUGAN! Your son just made the ONE BILLIONTH "coming in my pants joke! How does it feel?" Mrs Dugan, flustered and overwhelmed, stammered out a weak "what?" while Little Bobby Dugan, extremely red faced, came flying down the stairs shouting "Don't listen to him mom. I don't even know what that comment would mean!". Ryan Seacrest chuckeled and said "It's OK Bobby-Boy! I would  have said it myself. How does it feel to be a nine year old millionaire?" Mrs Dugan was gathering herself, clutching the railing for support she grabbed Bobby's shoulder and asked "Where did you learn to speak like that? Don't look away! Did that loser Timmy from down the street teach you such filth? Answer me, Damn it!" "Mom, forget that for now. I just won us a million dollars!" "A MILLION DOLLARS BECAUSE YOU KNOW ABOUT SATAN"S SALIVA! I WILL HAVE NONE OF IT!".  The band stopped playing, the last of the confetti fell, and a dejected Ryan Seacrest was shown the door. Poor Little Bobby had his mouth washed out with IRISH SPRINGS and still had to attend the dinner.---The point of this little tale? Coming in my pants jokes are funny but watch out because Ryan Seacrest is the DEVIL!

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

SHADY GREG - "MOVIES ARE TOO VIOLENT!"

Shady Greg, the worlds last, lonely married virgin, has declared movies to be too violent. Some of you I'm sure are aware that Shady has been publishing movie reviews recently (publishing is a bit misleading. He prints out a few dozen copies of typed up gibberish). Anyhow, Greg recently viewed Any Which Way But Loose, a Clint Eastwood comedy from 1978. The Shady One was appalled. Greg wrote - "Holy Punch Out! Clint out did himself with the blood and guts this time. He once again is playing Dirty Harry and is partnered up with an orange inebriated monkey who likes to fight and fart. Disgusting! A biker gang terrorizes. A grandmother goes on a shooting spree! Terrible!". Greg goes on and on about how awful and violent the movie is. It isn't. Also Dirty Harry is not the character. Also it's an orangatan. Anyhow, Shady next reviewed Look Who's Talking. Yes, it also was too violent for our idiot anti-hero. Shady was appalled at the opening which features "these fast swimming little guys, tadpoles I think, battling for first place in a race to a cheese ball or something. Then this Harlot with her Bastard son violently abuse Barbarino for driving a cab. Hideous! Just when you think your stomach can take no more the little Bastard bites the face off of a toy giraffe. The Carnage!".  -  I know. You're thinking "Exactly how big a pussy is this Shady Greg?". He is a GIANT PUSSY. He is a bigger pussy than a Blue Whale Hooker. He is a bigger pussy than a Bloated Sex Changed Garfield! Shady Greg is just a fucking pussy. He wrote the Govener complaining about the "glorification of GUNS" after viewing Johnny Dangerously! The Facking Bastich!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

SHADY GREG BUYS NUDE KELLI PICKLER PAINTING FOR $1.57

Shady Greg, the worlds formost purveyor of cartoon porn, has just bought a nude Kelli Pickler painting. Dear sweet Southern Belle Kelli ( most likely tainted tattooed trailer trash, but so what?) did not actually pose nude for this painting. Shady is good friends with that dude who painted a topless Bea Arthur that Bea Arthur never posed for.  Shady begged him for a fully nude Kelli Pickler portrait to hang next to his Kelly Monaco eating a corn dog topless in the rain portrait (done in ballpoint. Greg spent $80 bucks on it!). So the dude drew a big busted stick figure, on a napkin, using a Mocha colored crayon (fucking mocha! Idiot.) he added a mid level scribble for bush and Boner popping Shady handed over his $1.57 bus fare for it. Shady actually brought the deranged art into work with him the next day and showed us all. " Look at Kelli's bush!" Shady excitedly repeated over and over while pointing at the scribble. I said to Shady that at least he didn't commission a nude Zendaya drawing and with a look of indignation that would wither a pole cat at a barn dance (?) Greg hissed " I never accept nude artwork of a subject younger than seventeen! I do however have a picture of Shirley Temple in fishnets. Oh come on! She's at least 80 now!"

Friday, May 17, 2013

COME ON YOU GODDAMN MICKS!

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU IRISH BASTARDS? I SEE A COUPLE OF VISITS TO MY BLOG FROM THE ISLE OF GREEN AND THEN NOTHING FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS AND THEN A COUPLE O' MORE VISITS AND THEN YOU BASTARDS IGNORE ME AGAIN! I AM FUCKING SICK O' IT (notice the goddamn "o's"? that's fucking irish, man!). MY FULL NAME IS JIMMY IAN EDWARD DOYLE O'SHANNAHASSEY FECKIN' SHILLELAGH KEITH!! THAT MEANS I AM WAY MORE IRISH THAN MOST OF YOU STUPID FUCKS! AND UNDERSTAND THIS: BEING FUCKING SCOTTISH DOES NOT COUNT FOR SHIT! NOW I DEMAND YOU FUCKING MICKS VISIT THIS BLOG ON A DAILY GODDAMN BASIS. JUST MAKE IT A PART OF YOUR MORNING ROUTINE. RIGHT IN BETWEEN YOUR BREAKFAST GUINNESS AND YOUR BAILEYS LOADED COFFEE. IT'S FUCKING (FECKIN') EMBARRASSING THAT I GET MORE VISITS FROM FUCKING BELARUS ILLITERATES THEN I DO FROM MY OWN DRUNKEN KIN. SO I WANT ALL IRISH PEOPLE TO VISIT THIS BLOG EVERYDAY. EXCEPT YOU GINGER FUCKS. YOU ALL KINDA GROSS ME OUT. EXCEPT FOR THE REALLY, REALLY HOT FIRM BREASTED RED HEADS WITH ALLURING GREEN EYES. YOU'RE OK. BUT THE REST OF YOU FRECKELED FAIRY FREAKS.... NO.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

MOVIE REVIEWS BY SHADY "BIG SCREEN" GREG

Shady Greg, the world's sickest sack of slick slime, has a new side gig: reviewing movies. This is not a paying gig. Shady just randomly types up movie reviews, makes a couple dozen copies, and then very randomly "distributes" them around Ann Arbor, Ypsilanti and various highway Rest Area's he visits on Midnight "Feedings". There is no rhyme or reason behind the reviews. He might review a current movie but far more likely you are to find  a review of a movie (a REALLY SHITTY movie) from Greg's DVD  collection. The movies are not reviewed by Shady Greg, but rather by Jumbo Jimbo Big Screen Screaming Big Jim The Movie Man Jammer Review Maestro Thumb Ass Greggory-(he thinks the Greggory will help establish him as a serious film critic. There is no explanation for the insanity preceding  Greggory). This whole movie reviewer thing started because Shady liked to advocate movies to his co-worker's. This is before his taste in movies was well known by us. Greg would bring in DVDs to work and hand them out to us "Here watch this. It's a classic! Return it anytime and I'll loan ya another classic! Go on, Take It!". One by one we all began to refuse accepting any movies from Shady because, invariably, they would all SUCK! He took great offense to this. He created this movie reviewer persona to  fight for respect for "All the great movies" that are "Shunned by the Masses of Too Cool's" and "McQueen wannabes" following each others' opinions instead of standing on their own "Two hands like hand walking individuals across the centuries have!". You must understand, Greg laughed when ET died and cried when they closed The Best Little Whore House in Texas; he cheered for Ol' Yellars death and mourned the burnt breast of Sister Agatha in Nude Nuns with Guns! Shady longs for a DareDevil sequel and fails to appreciate The Avengers. Shady Greg's ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE is an absolute abomination entitled Cutthroat Island. Starring a hung over looking Geena Davis and a terribly miscast Matthew Modine, Cutthroat Island is in The Guinness Book of World Records as the all time biggest movie flop in American Cinema history! (Seriously. You can look it up. Bigger flop than ISHTAR. Bigger flop than Heaven's Gate.) Shady reviewed it thusly: Whoa! Shiver Me Timbers, matey! This first mate wants a bottle o' RUM! Ho! Ho! Ho! The Seven Sea's are still Rockin' from HOT HOT HOT Genie Davis pegleggin' her way across 'em! Talk about FULL MAST! I have a rudder a cat couldn't scratch! I am of course talking about CUTTHROAT ISLAND the greatest bouncing Buccaneer bash of Historically accurate Piratey Stuff ever put to film! LAND HO! If you haven't seen this SWASH BUCKLER go to the trash bin of your closest video rental store and pray for a copy, because this is GRADE A enter-Freakin'-tainment! "... ... ...  Shady goes on like that for six pages or so even going so far as to say "this is the kind of movie you get when God his own Self gets behind the camera and CREATES ART for the EYE PATCH CROWD!". Anyhow, if you find one of Shady's movie reviews lying around somewhere DO NOT READ IT! BURN IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! (matey)