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Friday, July 27, 2012

JOHN SHAVES ENTIRE BODY - CHANGES NAME TO SILKY POOH

Poor, delusional John. He can't catch a break from anyone, least of all himself. Even his parents look down on him (they gave him the middle name "Oh Well"). Nothing goes right for John-Example: John's girlfriend (named Howie) has a thicker mustache than him and he has bigger boobs than her! His best friend, Shady Greg, once promised to teach John "The Cool Guy Secret Handshake". John needed three penicillin shots to clear up the infection and couldn't sit for a month (Even worse, the pictures Greg promised to burn are all over the Internet with captions like "That'll leave a stain" and "INCOMING!" If you really need to see them just go to Slap Happy Bare Bears.com). Anyhow, John has been reading management books, jogging, dieting and squinting his eyes like (he thinks) Clint Eastwood all in an attempt to be taken more seriously. John desperately wants to be treated with respect (an almost universal desire, admittedly) it's just that his latest plan to garner said respect is absurd, scary, freaky, and very GAY (not that there's anything wrong with gay)! John has shaved all hair from his body, including eyebrows, and slathered his body in butter oil while wearing clear see-thru heels. He demands to be called Silky Pooh! Now no one has any respect for him (he has even earned a new nickname from Alex in the Lawn & Garden department who saw Johns shrunken almost not there manhood and titled him Sliced Mushroom on the spot)!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

READERS CURIOUS: DICKLESS WONDER?

Ever since revealing that Shady Greg, a giant DICK, is in fact, dickless, I have been swamped with letters and emails asking if he is transgender or something. The answer is NO! He only seems that way (effeminate, I mean). My readers expressed interest in knowing more about a man (term used loosely) with no bulge. I must clear up this misconception, Shady has several bulges (His ass bulges in odd directions like an obese rhinoceros in cheap Salvation Army slacks.)(Wait, are there skinny rhino's?). There actually is an ever changing bulge in the front of his jeans: allow me to explain. Have you ever seen the Bruce Lee movie Enter the Dragon? You know the Bad Guy-Mr. Han? He is missing his right hand (Mr. Han...hand) so he keeps a collection of screw in hands that he can use whenever he wants like a werewolf hand or a skeleton hand or a long fingered green alien hand; whatever strikes his fancy, right? Well, Shady has a bunch of screw in ... devices, I guess, would be the best way to describe them. Not dildo's or vibrators because Greg only fantasizes sex. He does not participate. No, what Shady screws into the space where his mini elf dick had been, is an impressive array of Inspector Gadget type tools. Literally. Greg has flower snippers, mini-weed whackers, a 9 volt drill driver, jumper cables, lighted magnifying glass, (ironically) a small hose, and he used to have an automated fly swatter but got rid of it because it kept hitting him in his own zipper (it was a FLY swatter!).

Friday, July 20, 2012

SHADY GREG KNITS OWN CUP HOLDER!

Shady Greg now knits his own cup holders. Sick and tired of having a traditional white stitched cup holder chafing his balls (yes the fucking idiot wears a cup to sell appliances. He says you never know when someone may decide to kick you in the balls. Being dickless has made him overly protective of his, I'm guessing here, unbelievably shrivelled, grey and balding 63 year old nutsack. And yes I mean 63 years old! I am well aware that Shady is only 54, his balls , however, are 63 due to a screwup during the transplant procedure. The transplant is a whole story unto itself since it left Greg with 4 balls. The doctors forgot to remove the originals). Anyway, Shady knits his own multi-colored cup holders now, even trying to sell them to the rest of us (Yes! Even the women. He says they can use them as "Ben-Wa overflow".  Greg should probably not speak to women).

Sunday, July 1, 2012

SHADY GREG HOLDS BREATH FOR SALE!

Shady Greg, the worlds shadiest salesman, has sunk to a new low! I know. I know. He sinks to new lows more often than a dog licks his balls (not its balls but his. Shady Greg's. He is one sick bastard!) but it is still fun to report his new lows. Besides, this one is funny shit. Shady had an elderly woman in the store looking for a new, cheap, basic, beige, non-fancy oven. Shady pointed at a few items but (even for him) he wasn't very helpful. The woman didn't see anything that she really wanted, thanked Greg for his time, and said she would shop around. A co-worker,under his breath, said "Way to walk another one, Dickless Wonder" , referring to Greg by one of his many self-nicknames (Yes, self-nicknamed Dickless Wonder. He takes a perverse, masochistic pride in being dickless. And because I know you're curious it's due to a lawnmower that "purred like a kitten" and he "just wanted to see what it felt like"). Anyhow, Shady took offense to the implication that he walks customers so he caught up to the senior lady before she made it to the door and dragged her back to the sales floor. He began his "do over" by complimenting the woman ( "I must say your boobs don't droop too badly for an old broad") and offering "candy" from his pocket ("The red ones take you up and the blue ones bring you down"), thankfully she declined. She then informed Greg that she did not wish to purchase anything today, and that's when Shady took in a huge breath and held it. The woman stared at him for a moment before asking "What are you doing?". Shady only responded by shaking his head at her while never breaking eye contact. The woman said "You are VERY odd. I really must leave now". She tried to step around him but he blocked her path. Shady began to turn blue. He fell to his knees while his cheeks developed an interesting hue of violet. Shady collapsed face down on the dirty linoleum, his face an intense shade of Hell Fire and Purple Pain, beating his fists and kicking his feet, while his customer said "Get up! Get up you broken brained Looney!". Dear Sweet Ruby ran over shouting "Gleg! Gleg! You look good in purple. Oh! You is dying! Gleg! 'For you die, how I fix sale?". The Shady Ones eyes disapeared into his bloated, raisen colored face-his lips pure white, his nose flared, his chest creaking like ancient floorboards,every muscle screaming for oxygen with his back arched in agony- The frail, old woman broke. "TAKE A BREATH FOR GODS SAKE!!" She screamed. Shady took in a very Glorious, Life saving breath. He looked at the old woman and said "So, you're ready to purchase something"? She said yes. Shady Greg Leered in TRIUMPH. She bought a $10 gift card and shuffled quickly towards the exit.