tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79275583363754147362024-03-13T23:56:32.256-07:00Random TangentsA BLOG ABOUT IDIOTS, MORONS, AND ASSHOLES. SO CO-WORKERS, BASICALLY. THE TRULY FUNNY PART IS THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE MOST OF THEM (NOT ALL. JUST MOST.)Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.comBlogger121125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-55000945746913610172014-07-10T14:47:00.002-07:002014-07-10T14:47:29.835-07:00While Brazil Burns Netherlands Goes Home!Argentina, you have my sincerest thanks. The Fucking Netherlanders have been dismissed. I am grateful. You played a BRILLIANT game of "Futbol", Argentina. At least I was told you did. I didn't watch. I mean, 90 minutes of game time and still no score. Overtime? No score. So you won by shoot out. Great. Really. I am glad you won because I hate the Netherlanders. Creepy little Bastards! But I didn't watch the game. I watched paint dry instead.- I am curious now that Team Brazil choked on a Pressure Dog- Is the Brazilian Gov't pleased with its 14 billion dollars of public funds going to all those now useless stadiums? Probably. Soccer Rules!- In other news, the 34 year old Potter kid now has a Honey of a Boo Boo on his cheek. Great. Really.- @ midnight Rules! No you shut up Rules! Out.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-5461948972383248302014-06-30T14:58:00.000-07:002014-06-30T14:58:39.018-07:00THE FUCKING NETHERLANDS!?! Yes, it is I, the fabulous Mr. Jimmy Keith, back from the dead for a quick word of "Hello". Hi (quicker than hello). This blog, open to everybody with no boundaries to race, religion, or Facebook status has recently crossed a line! Yes, it seems that during my absence a few of the SCUM from the NETHERLANDS decided to take a look at what is written here. My blog is open to everyone EXCEPT the "people" of the NETHERLANDS. OK. I also admit that I discourage most French from visiting these pages. Also, I am not overly fond of many Canadians (Red Green chief among them. Feed Red Green to the penguins and Canada might be bearable). North Koreans. I dislike North Koreans. Well, at least their little gnome leader. OK. I dislike a lot of stupid Fucks too numerous to name, however, I never attempted to close my blog to them. But Netherlanders from fucking NETHERLANDS? Too much to take! Rename your country INDECENT LANDS. Let's be more up front about it and that would be a starting point. Also, stop hiding from the rest of us. You only come out every four years for the World Cup and then go back to your infected NETHERLANDS for more squirming and stuff ( who the hell knows what you do down there). It all makes you seem very untrustworthy and squirmy and stuff. Now go away until you meet my demands!Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-64902969008474104302014-02-03T16:54:00.003-08:002014-02-03T16:54:56.334-08:00SHADY GREG HAS LAST LAUGH!The EVIL Shady Greg may just have the last laugh. I, your most trusted reporter, have been captured by The Doom Bringers. I secretly write this message from the back of a horse drawn cart, bound and cramped in a tiny steel cage as we bounce and bump to my impending imprisonment. I beg you, my faithful readers, to stay strong in my absence (and continue to mock Canadians for me. Also, continue to occasionally curse the French. Thanks.) I can't believe this is the end of discussing the Satanism of cartoons or mentioning KELLY MONACO NUDE WITH PUBIC HAIR SMILE! (or something along those lines). Perhaps we shall meet again. For now, adieu. Wait. Scratch that. That sounded French ( even tho adieu is a Swiss word meaning "later Heidy"). Until next time - Take care.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-407109677669770582014-01-14T13:58:00.004-08:002014-01-14T13:58:49.428-08:00BOTSWANA TELLS MALAWI TO FUCK OFF!Apparently, Botswana has not been overly pleased with all of the attention bestowed upon Malawi since Malawi came to the World's attention by joining my blog (Yes, the entire province of Malawi or state or country or whatever the fuck it is, has joined my blog. They simply have not gotten around to updating their profile or anything).Botswana , in an apparent move of jealous rage has emailed me with an announcement that they too are a country or city or at least a semi-large gathering of similarly dressed people who would like the world to take notice. Now, I do not wish to set a bad precedent by leading all you crazies out there to believe that by emailing me I will use the overwhelming popularity of my blog to push forth whatever fucked up agenda you may have. That is not the case! However, Botswana asked me nicely. Also I get a huge kick out of saying their name. BOTSWANA! BOTSWANA! BOTSWANA! Isn't that fun? Try saying this with a few Sam Adams in your system: "Botswana Malawi Malawi Botsie Australia Botswana Malawi ". Actually, that was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Do you want to know what's really weird? If say Botswana in french it is still pronounced "bots-w-an-a" because the stupid french (I refuse to capitalize french) don't have a word for bots or w! Isn't that Fucked Up? Stupid french.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-84407142298103298212013-12-30T15:22:00.001-08:002013-12-30T15:22:46.273-08:00Malawi? What? Is that African? Malawi?Very weird, but I seem to have picked up a couple of readers from Malawi. I think that means they are from Africa. I don't know the Australian Continent to well tho so maybe they are only from the country of Africa and Malawi is merely a city therein. Geology is not my strong suit. Oddly tho I love geography because I have a strong love of rocks. I would like to say hello to my new (Malaysian?) readers: HELLO! I have no clue how to spell the click clicks that I think are your native tongue at least according to South Park. You probably do not have South Park in Malawi if you live in a grass hut which is what I think you live in if you live in Malawi because Malawi is not known for sky scrapers and stuff. I mean if it was there would be no doubt as to whether or not Malawi is part of the Australian continent. Anyhow, South Park is a very informative (and often humorous) television program that uses colors to captivate viewers unlike I Love Lucy which shunned colors to be more artsy and sophisticated and stuff. That is why I like South Park (and rocks).I can relate.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-182989803034565872013-11-25T14:57:00.001-08:002013-11-25T14:57:15.597-08:00WHAT THE FUCK GIVES WITH AUSSIES AND GYMNASTS?My Blog had been an absolute must read throughout Austraila and Romania. It was hailed as a break through in "HUMAN COMMUNICATION WITH COMPASSION" and was frequently quoted by Sulley Bonscott the famous (only in austraila) talk show host with the terrible hair lip. In Romania my Blog had been widely read by all of their gymnasts for its great training tips and compassion towards tumbling midgets. Apparently, NO MORE! No Aussies or Romanians have visited my Blog in over a year! What gives? I love both "shrimp on the barbie" (or shrimp on the Elmo doll) and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE underagers with cute accents, destroyed feet, over muscled buttocks and a gift for cartwheels. Where is the return love?Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-67494452359138951352013-11-15T10:57:00.001-08:002013-11-15T10:57:50.030-08:00HOLY FUCKING SHIT! FINALLY, SOMEONE NEW TO BLOG ABOUT!!!Hello once again to all of my faithful readers! I bet most of you were thinking we would never speak again, right? Well, I'm back! Shady fucking Greg is (hopefully) in the past, having hopped a ship bound for Samoa to tend bar at some GAY AS HELL Tiki Hut style drinking establishment designed for Bondage bent banana blowers bumping butts with butt banging banana bangers. Shady and his Zombie Cock will fit right in. Anyhow, as I reported last month I myself have moved out to beautiful downtown Novi and am working at the Novi Kitchens and More Super Store. It is here, among the mostly clean, intelligent, classy, and wealthy people of Beautiful Downtown Novi that one of the strangest half breed semi humans lurks. His name is Chico Lowrider. Chico is of a mixed Latino/Neaderthal heritage with a touch of Labrador thrown in for good measure (Chico is very loyal and great at retrieving sticks and balls). Chico is, more or less, the appliance department mascot. Standing five feet tall with hunched shoulders, sloped forhead, beady criminal eyes and a generally shifty appearance; Chico makes most people uncomfortable and small children cry instantly. He onced sued Disney for defamation of character after the animated version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame was released. Chico felt the character resembled him too closely. The Disney lawyers took one look at Chico and settled out of court for an undisclosed sum (although, after Chico gets a few beers in him he'll tell you he recieved a lifetime supply of ALPO. Chico does not own a dog). Chico calls everybody "Holmes". It gets very annoying trying to figure out what the idiot is talking about when what you hear is "Hey Holmes. Holmes say that Holmes was late yesterday. Have you seen Holmes today or is Holmes home?". Chico carries one box cutter in his hand while keeping at least three more on his body at all times. Chico says that his job requires lots of box cutting and that his personality requires lots of defending. "Hey Holmes! I cut you Holmes!" is frequently heard around the sales floor here. Oddly, it is usually Chico threatening an old Rubiks Cube he found in his alley home that he feels torments him. I think Chico could provide a lot of story material for the future. I shall keep you all informed. ADIOS!Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-91033854266256428662013-09-13T17:57:00.000-07:002013-09-14T16:38:24.142-07:00OK THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!Now, I'm PISSED! I, Jimmy Keith (The Fabulous One and Only), left the Ann Arbor Kitchens and More and so many of my beloved co-workers in order to escape. Escape? Yes. I needed to get the Fuck away from Shady Greg and his twisted, disgusting way! At incredible personal expense I have relocated to the beautiful Novi area (even the homeless wear Izod), I have started over at a new store (the Novi Kitchens & More which is slightly larger, has fewer high-on customers, and is two floors meaning finding a manager is now as likely as Dear Sweet Woobie shouting "Jager' shots on me!"). Anyhow, I am pissed (PISSED!) because stupid Fuck Shady followed me here! You read that correctly. Shady Fucking Greg is now in Novi! Understand me. The DumbAss does not work here, he is AWOL from Ann Arbor, he just lives to torment me. On my second day here I noticed a tall, shadowy figure lurking around the upright freezers who would consistently dash towards abandoned Portrait Studio upon my approach. This gangly, uncordinated creature left a greenish haze in it's wake (a living being unto itself) it was the Haze that attacked my senses, scrambling my brain; leaving me disoriented and feeling vomitus from the gut wrenching stink of unwashed <i style="font-weight: bold;">THOR</i> underwear and vinegar balls. Immediately, I thought to my woozy self " Damn! That <u>STANK</u>! It's a Shady <u>STANK!"</u> Then I passed out. ----- TO BE CONTINUEDJimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-65305916567319857252013-08-26T13:08:00.003-07:002013-08-26T13:08:43.805-07:00A SECOND LOOK AT THE TRUTH ABOUT SATANIC CARTOONS!<div style="text-align: left;">
OK. Apparently there are a tremendous amount of you "ready for the Looney Bin" Psycho Wacko Wingnuts out there. Literally hundreds of you visit my blog each week looking for the truth behind <strong><em><u>SATANISM IN CARTOONS</u></em></strong>. Many of you email daily begging me to tell all I know about <strong><em><u>THE SATANIC CIRCLE OF UNITED PRESS SYNDICATE ARTISTS/CARTOONISTS/PRINT MIMES!</u></em></strong> (TSCOUPSACPM) (They're cartoonists not acronym geniuses). First of all, and allow me to make this as clear as possible, <strong>ALL CARTOONS ARE SATANIC!</strong> " Ooooh No! Not Peanuts." BULLSHIT! Fucking PigPen! Satanic! Snoopy? A dog who SLEEPS on the very uncomfortable part of his doghouse? SA-FUCKING-TANIC! OK. How about LUANN? Luann is a trashy little Satan Slut. She is constantly showing off her tight little 16 yr old body-Bikinis, Lingerie,Short Shorts! She is obviously an agent of Lucifer himself! If you make a few slight alterations to her name, you in fact wind up with the name <strong>SATANLULULUCIFERDEVILWOMANBITCH</strong> which is fairly obviously NOT a wholesome "Girl-next-door I Love Jesus so let's go to Kenya and build a Water Wheel" kinda name (also you can just get the name Ann). THE FAMILY CIRCLE? Family Circle <em><u>is</u></em> so annoyingly wholesome and "Christian Value Oriented" that it <em><u>has</u></em> to be the work of Minions of Hades (who are also available for Freelance). If you are a God Fearing individual who would like to go to <strong><u>HEAVEN</u></strong> after your death then you should avoid ALL cartoons! (tough not to sneak a peek at Luann tho, the little tramp).</div>
Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-6028101421474171052013-08-17T14:49:00.001-07:002013-08-17T14:49:41.061-07:00GAY JOHN IS BACK! IS NOW GO-FER BITCH JOHN!Gay John has returned to Kitchens and More! Gone for more then a year, The Gay One quietly slipped back in by climbing through the garbage shute and hiding out in the storage room for a week. When he was discovered sleeping on the floor of new ASM Boisterous Bob's office (in a pile of Boisterous Bob's hair re-growth pamphlets using some of Boisterous Bob's hair dye products as a pillow) a new friendship was formed. Gay John, when asked where he has been for the past year, would only say he has become very familiar with the Mens Room of the Rest Area on I-75 just North of Brighton. Anyhow, since Gay John was presumed dead his old job had long since been filled by a retarded monkey - And there is no way we are getting rid of the monkey, he is Twice as efficient as John ever was! But fear not faithful readers, Gay John is once again employed by Kitchens and More. Only now his name is Go-fer Bitch Jonnie because he has become Boisterous Bob's little pet n fetchit. Yesterday B.B. was hungry so Go-fer Bitch Jonnie ran (literally. He's too stupid to drive) to WENDYS and bought B.B. 2 orders of spicy nuggets, ran them back to B.B. and proceeded to hand feed him while adding his own "special sauce". Later in the day B.B. got bored and requested Go-fer Bitch to dance for him. Sickeningly, Jonnie jumped up on a register desk and began the GAYEST quivering dance steps ever performed before God or Man. Jonnie had his eyes closed, biting his lower lip, while he swiveled his hips and shook his extra 20 lbs. of semi digested junkfood like a deranged Boo Boo Bear on acid attempting to seduce a gold chain clad Ranger Rick with gelled hair. It was absolutely disgraceful. Our new GM, Tubby Red, thinks their relationship is "cute", "normal" and somehow "good for morale". Tubby Red also thinks lesbians are just "women who love Home Depot".Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-52340442133701079212013-08-09T16:01:00.000-07:002013-08-10T11:28:23.162-07:00THE LOST ROAR OF THE DEEP FRIED OGREThings are much quieter here at Kitchens and More since last week. This past Saturday was the day the Ogre fell. The Deep Fried Ogre. More legend than reality. More myth than truth. But real. Make no mistake, the Deep Fried Ogre was real. I met him. Saw him. Felt the rumble of the Earth when the Ogre roared. Watched his prey tremble when confronted with his rumpled awfulness. I remember once, when I was younger and more daring, how I tracked The Deep Fried Ogre from his fast food wrapper stuffed backroom lair to his territorial walk about resting spot near the candy display at the side exit. I remember following the trail of peon faces who were still attempting to look busy as the Ogre passed to the Cardboard Mountain of unfinished stock in the Electronics Department. I caught a quick glimpse of the Nasty Brute when he paused to sniff the air. Legend states that with one snort from his mighty nostrils The Ogre could sniff out responsibility on the air and immediately head in the other direction. Sometimes, on a Sunday morning, I would come in early for the "signing" ritual [the signing ritual dates back to the Dawn of Ogrehood and is now primarily used to irritate humans but had onced been a rather ativistic coming of age/mating right of passage]. The Deep Fried Ogre would drunkenly stumble around the sales floor changing the prices on dozens and dozens of products while loud Heavy Metal blared from cheap speakers and Ol' Deep Fried growled amiably. Then when the store opened for business all Hell would break loose as the register price was of course utterly different from the sign on the product. And oh how Ol' Deep Fried would laugh. The terrible laugh of the mortally wounded-but still a laugh. Then without warning THEY took The Deep Fried Ogre to conundrum corner and waved torches in his face and screamed at his hairy back and taunted his soul with broken promises of nothing and let the black abyss swallow all hope of a Technicolor Future while the Pain Demons swam free... OK. Sorry. A little too much O.S. (ogre shit). Suffice to say the Deep Fried Ogre is gone and the one called Mad Ox will never put another chain saw away.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-44585844139819242112013-08-07T18:02:00.002-07:002013-08-07T18:02:43.213-07:00SHADY GREG LICKS PALMS TO TRY AND GET HIGH?I KNOW. <span style="font-family: Arial;">THE HEADLINE IS A WTF IF EVER THERE WAS ONE. THE DEAL IS THAT THE SHADY ONE HEARD ABOUT PEOPLE LICKING TOADS TO GET HIGH (remember? This was a big story 10 or 15 years ago. Shady just heard about it). Anyhow, since people compare Shady to toads frequently he figured he can save a ton of money by licking himself to get high instead of buying and snorting laundry detergent (apparently, TIDE will get you high or kill you). It seems to work for Greg; licking himself that is. He licks his grubby palms and babbles incoherently for an hour or so. We figure with Shady's refusal to ever bathe his skin is probably toxic. Greg babbles incoherently anyway so it's tough to know for sure if he is really getting high from his disgusting toadlike skin or not.</span>Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-58420256681218972432013-07-25T14:54:00.000-07:002013-07-25T14:54:27.180-07:00SHADY FUCKING GREG COMES BACK!<div style="text-align: left;">
Shady Fucking Greg, the World's most un-employable employed stiff, has been given the boot out of the vacuum wasteland and sent back to the Appliance Department. Why? No one seems to know. If you remember Shady had been exiled to the great void known vaguely as the vacuum area because he couldn't cut the mustard (literally. He is one weak Son of Bitch!) in the Appliance Department. Shady seemed to prosper in vacuums at first but as reality settled in Shady began to drown as is his "Comfort Zone". When Shady appeared to have pulled his final Natalie Wood, a life preserver floated out of no where and pulled a gasping Greg back to Appliances (looking every inch the half-drowned RAT clinging to a scrap of driftwood, no less). I have come to think of Shady as a Great Cosmic Fly and the sadistic Universe yanks his wings off, they magically grow back only to be yanked off again and again and again. The amusement factor has almost completely run it's course and I feel close to a sense of pity for the poor defiance of evolution that is the Shady One. I mean the Appliance Department is a Shark Tank. It is filled with a Great White or two, a Tiger, a Bull, one mean-ass Blue Barracuda with a few harmless Remoras along for the ride. Shady isn't even fit to be referred to as a Remora. After his fall from his perch in the vacuum area Greg comes back to Shark infested waters as a smelly, disgusting, Bucket o' Chum being trailed behind the "ORCA" by an urbane, one eyed Mad Man on a Moby Dick Quest (in Shady's case that should be Moby Dickless). Please understand, I actually wish the lying, cheating, maggot ridden chunk of Human Trash well. <u>I hope he succeeds!</u> But if there is one thing this Cruel Cold Rock has taught me on my Mad Merry Go, it is this: A disease infested, useless, annoying, sickening Wingless Fly should be crushed underfoot in one Quick Brilliant Bloody Stomp. On the other hand, sick kicks can be had at the expense of the <strong><span style="color: magenta;">BLOODIED</span><span style="color: black;">. LET ACT TWO OF THE SHADY CHRONICLES BEGIN!!!</span></strong></div>
Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-81305006450811231742013-07-06T14:35:00.000-07:002013-07-06T14:35:00.642-07:00SHADY GREG EXPLAINS HIS PLANS FOR THE FUTURE!Shady Greg, the worlds blandest blonde boy-man (his Rap name is Watered Down Vanilla Melted Ice), has new plans for his future. Figuring he can't sell vacuums for life, Greg is starting his own business. The Shady One plans on going door to door to start, but hopefully will soon be by appointment only. The business? Pesonal Complainer. How often would you like to complain about events in your everyday life but simply can't find the time in your busy schedule? Perhaps, complaining in front of others embarrasses you? Well have no fear! Nothing embarrasses The Shady One. When you are a (literally) dickless Crack Addict with the face of a constipated, albino chicken with lip implants and the build of a Raggedy Andy doll if it weren't so muscular, I suppose embarrassment is a luxory ill afforded. - OK. FUCK IT! This post is going no where. NO WHERE! I started this post two weeks ago and forgot all about it and now can't pick up the thread. GREG is in a shitty mood and posting this shit isn't going to help him. Of course, Greg is always in a shitty mood which is why he is such a PRO COMPLAINER! Greg complains about fucking EVERYTHING!<br />
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<br />Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-77692051737235665002013-06-25T15:36:00.001-07:002013-06-25T15:36:48.589-07:00THE CHINESE HAVE STOPPED READING MY BLOG!OK, normally I don't care what the Chinese people do to amuse themselves: Build walls, write fortunes, re-engineer chopsticks, whatever. Recently however, I've noticed a sharp decrease in chinese readership. Like no Chineses readership. I don't think a Chinamen (or China Doll. I'm not sexist) has visited my site in at least three months. What gives? Then it dawned on me. I've stopped releasing TOP SECRET MILITARY SECRETS AND STUFF! So in an attempt to win back some Chinese readership, which ensures free egg rolls arriving at my door, I've decided to once again release TOP SECRET MILITARY SECRETS AND STUFF! I know betraying my country is horrible and wrong and everything, but it is the "in" thing to do these days. So here goes: AMERICA OWNS LOTSA BOMBS. SOME OF THEM ARE NU-CLEAR AND STUFF! Also, AMERICA is constantly working on NEW EVEN DEADLIER WEAPONS AND STUFF! And while this may come as a shock to some of you AMERICA TESTS NEW WEAPONS almost DAILY! Also, while America has a fairly high population of Chinese people (dancers, acrobats, cooks, gymnasts, Dry Cleaners [1hr], cooks, and even gymnasts) there are still a lot of Americans who feel we should use TOP SECRET MILITARY SECRET WEAPONS WITH STEALTH TECHNOLOGY AND STUFF AGAINST CHINA NOW! This could wipe out our debt sooner rather than later and stuff. I, for one will propogate this type of thinking if I don't start seeing free egg rolls arrive at my door again! Also, some Dim Sun. That's GOOD shit! Thank you.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-18961049061931677162013-06-20T12:49:00.000-07:002013-06-20T12:49:27.985-07:00WELCOME TO ALL MY LATVIAN READERS!While I have always been a ridicously popular blogger in Europe, it has only been recently that Latvia has caught on to my AWESOMENESS. I am grateful that the Latvian people have finally figured out that my FANTASTIC sense of humor is very much in step with the slightly less fantastic Latvian sense of humor yet better than the morbid and sophmoric sense of humor of the Estonians (those fucking Estonians...). I must say I have always thought it amusing that the National Language of Latvia is Latvian. The minority language of Latvia is Latgalian. And a Latvian walking around with a fat wallet means he has a pocket full of Lats. Seriously? Your Latvian money is called Lats? Do you people "3rd person" much? - "Hello. I am Latty the Latvian from Latvia with a wallet full of Lats." becomes "Latty don't play that! Latty FAT wid (sic) Lats!". Even the minority language of Latgalian came from the indigenous Latvian tribe called the LATGALIANS. It's like only we Americans, the Chinese, the Mexicans and a small handful of others that speak a language not named after our country. Of course, the true Fuck ups would be the Canadiens. They speak English, French, Stupid, and Stupid Canadien (even worse than those fucking Estonians). Oh yeah, Canadiens also speak a hybrid mix of ancient Chinese Secret dialects known as "Dumb so Young" used mostly when discussing getting stains out of clothing. Anyhow, I say welcome to all my new Latvian Friends!Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-86172952848566985902013-06-13T13:22:00.000-07:002013-06-14T14:06:19.555-07:00SHADY GREG AND THE ISOLATION CHAMBERShady Greg, the world's most "Hands On" scout leader, is at it again. At what? Well, typical bizarre behaviour. Shady, who has no known friends since the possible death of Gay John, has announced that he has installed an Isolation Chamber in the vacuum area. Said Chamber is merely the top half of an old Hoover box which Greg places on his head while standing in a corner and nasally sings "I'm invisible! I'm invisible! Nan na nan na naaaaaaaah!" over and over until THE BEEHIVE WOMAN walks over and kicks him in the balls. Word on the street is that Shady and BEEHIVE are shacking up.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-45145880364730716092013-06-10T17:15:00.001-07:002013-06-13T13:07:42.260-07:00SHADY GREG STILL CHEATING CUSTOMERS!Shady Greg, a man so low he makes a Dung Beetle look classy, has sunk even lower. As most of you know Shady left the Appliance Department here at Kitchen's and More for the vacuum area (it is neither capitalized nor a department. Merely a vague area in which lost sales souls wander. Greg is very much at home). Recently, the vacuum area expanded slightly with the addition of fans and microwaves and humidifiers (all the cheap shit the Appliance Department Sales Force refuses to dirty our hands with). The Shady One couldn't bother himself with learning anything at all about the new products he sells. His workmates like the Fabulous Ricky Ricardo (yes that's his real name. Oddly, he is French) have studied their materials and are experts at explaining each item. Shady just makes shit up. He is best (meaning at his worst) with senior citizens. Shady was telling his <strong><em><u>OWN 97 yr old GRANDMOTHER</u></em></strong> that the convection microwave she was looking at doubles as a house fan and a humidifier but does not clean floors, however if she just bought the $600 Dyson vacuum she would have the best vacuum/humidifier/fan/ microwave on the planet! Lies flow forth from Greg like clumpy brown water flows through the sewer. Also, on the disgusting side, Shady had stated that he wanted to be a better man. His solution? He now collects used condoms. Why? So he can share a 'Snowball" with all of America.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-53026714107262936732013-06-03T14:58:00.001-07:002013-06-03T14:58:33.387-07:00IT'S NOT EVOLUTION. IT'S SEX!OK. Here's the deal. The real truth. God didn't create all the different animals on Earth and neither did evolution. Sex did. Plain and simple. Think about it. Something like a hundred thousand years ago, and this is just one example, a really horny bear walked down to a stream. At that exact moment a really sexy salmon was swimming by. The horny bear fucked the sexy salmon and nine months later the world got its first seal. Simple. A duck fucks a beaver and BOOM!- Platypus! Simple. Anyhow I hope this clears matters up and stops the argueing.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-90204054718912877912013-05-31T15:14:00.000-07:002013-05-31T15:14:11.576-07:00THE ONE MILLION DOLLAR PRIZE! Little Bobby Dugan, an older than his years nine year old smart ass, was upstairs getting dressesd for a Church Dinner he didn't want to attend. Bobby had been given an hour to get ready and it was all ready 5 minutes passed with his pants and shoes still to go. "Bobby! Come on!" his mother yelled from the bottom of the stairs. With no response Mrs Dugan gathered in a lung full of air and yelled even louder, "Come on Bobby! Now! COME! ON!". Little Bobby stuck his head around the corner and yelled back "I'm Coming! I'm Coming!" and under his breath he added "in my pants!". Suddenly, balloons dropped from the ceiling as sirens and whistles went off. Confetti and streamers shot down the stairwell and a huge brass band began to play <strong><em>FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW</em></strong>. Ryan Seacrest burst thru the front door carrying a giant cardboard check made out for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Ryan grabbed Mrs Dugan and shouted over the music "MRS DUGAN! Your son just made the ONE BILLIONTH "coming in my pants joke! How does it feel?" Mrs Dugan, flustered and overwhelmed, stammered out a weak "what?" while Little Bobby Dugan, extremely red faced, came flying down the stairs shouting "Don't listen to him mom. I don't even know what that comment would mean!". Ryan Seacrest chuckeled and said "It's OK Bobby-Boy! I would have said it myself. How does it feel to be a nine year old millionaire?" Mrs Dugan was gathering herself, clutching the railing for support she grabbed Bobby's shoulder and asked "Where did you learn to speak like that? Don't look away! Did that loser Timmy from down the street teach you such filth? Answer me, Damn it!" "Mom, forget that for now. I just won us a million dollars!" "A MILLION DOLLARS BECAUSE YOU KNOW ABOUT SATAN"S SALIVA! I WILL HAVE NONE OF IT!". The band stopped playing, the last of the confetti fell, and a dejected Ryan Seacrest was shown the door. Poor Little Bobby had his mouth washed out with <em>IRISH SPRINGS</em> and still had to attend the dinner.---<em><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">The point of this little tale? Coming in my pants jokes are funny but watch out because Ryan Seacrest is the DEVIL!</span></em>Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-9175671230768545782013-05-29T16:59:00.001-07:002013-05-29T16:59:10.249-07:00SHADY GREG - "MOVIES ARE TOO VIOLENT!"Shady Greg, the worlds last, lonely married virgin, has declared movies to be too violent. Some of you I'm sure are aware that Shady has been publishing movie reviews recently (publishing is a bit misleading. He prints out a few dozen copies of typed up gibberish). Anyhow, Greg recently viewed <em>Any Which Way But Loose</em>, a Clint Eastwood comedy from 1978. The Shady One was appalled. Greg wrote - "Holy Punch Out! Clint out did himself with the blood and guts this time. He once again is playing Dirty Harry and is partnered up with an orange inebriated monkey who likes to fight and fart. Disgusting! A biker gang terrorizes. A grandmother goes on a shooting spree! Terrible!". Greg goes on and on about how awful and violent the movie is. It isn't. Also Dirty Harry is not the character. Also it's an orangatan. Anyhow, Shady next reviewed <em>Look Who's Talking</em>. Yes, it also was too violent for our idiot anti-hero. Shady was appalled at the opening which features "these fast swimming little guys, tadpoles I think, battling for first place in a race to a cheese ball or something. Then this Harlot with her Bastard son violently abuse Barbarino for driving a cab. Hideous! Just when you think your stomach can take no more the little Bastard bites the face off of a toy giraffe. The Carnage!". - I know. You're thinking "Exactly how big a pussy is this Shady Greg?". He is a GIANT PUSSY. He is a bigger pussy than a Blue Whale Hooker. He is a bigger pussy than a Bloated Sex Changed Garfield! Shady Greg is just a fucking pussy. He wrote the Govener complaining about the "glorification of GUNS" after viewing <em>Johnny Dangerously</em>! The Facking Bastich!<br />
<br />Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-42581177246163840702013-05-23T15:11:00.002-07:002013-05-23T15:11:42.510-07:00SHADY GREG BUYS NUDE KELLI PICKLER PAINTING FOR $1.57Shady Greg, the worlds formost purveyor of cartoon porn, has just bought a nude Kelli Pickler painting. Dear sweet Southern Belle Kelli ( most likely tainted tattooed trailer trash, but so what?) did not actually pose nude for this painting. Shady is good friends with that dude who painted a topless Bea Arthur that Bea Arthur never posed for. Shady begged him for a fully nude Kelli Pickler portrait to hang next to his Kelly Monaco eating a corn dog topless in the rain portrait (done in ballpoint. Greg spent $80 bucks on it!). So the dude drew a big busted stick figure, on a napkin, using a Mocha colored crayon (fucking mocha! Idiot.) he added a mid level scribble for bush and Boner popping Shady handed over his $1.57 bus fare for it. Shady actually brought the deranged art into work with him the next day and showed us all. " Look at Kelli's bush!" Shady excitedly repeated over and over while pointing at the scribble. I said to Shady that at least he didn't commission a nude Zendaya drawing and with a look of indignation that would wither a pole cat at a barn dance (?) Greg hissed " I never accept nude artwork of a subject younger than seventeen! I do however have a picture of Shirley Temple in fishnets. Oh come on! She's at least 80 now!"Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-85086228272279371542013-05-17T12:31:00.002-07:002013-05-17T12:31:18.158-07:00COME ON YOU GODDAMN MICKS!WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU IRISH BASTARDS? I SEE A COUPLE OF VISITS TO MY BLOG FROM THE ISLE OF GREEN AND THEN NOTHING FOR WEEKS AND WEEKS AND THEN A COUPLE O' MORE VISITS AND THEN YOU BASTARDS IGNORE ME AGAIN! I AM FUCKING SICK O' IT (notice the goddamn "o's"? that's fucking irish, man!). MY FULL NAME IS JIMMY IAN EDWARD DOYLE O'SHANNAHASSEY FECKIN' SHILLELAGH KEITH!! THAT MEANS I AM WAY MORE IRISH THAN MOST OF YOU STUPID FUCKS! AND UNDERSTAND THIS: BEING FUCKING SCOTTISH DOES NOT COUNT FOR SHIT! NOW I DEMAND YOU FUCKING MICKS VISIT THIS BLOG ON A DAILY GODDAMN BASIS. JUST MAKE IT A PART OF YOUR MORNING ROUTINE. RIGHT IN BETWEEN YOUR BREAKFAST GUINNESS AND YOUR BAILEYS LOADED COFFEE. IT'S FUCKING (FECKIN') EMBARRASSING THAT I GET MORE VISITS FROM FUCKING BELARUS ILLITERATES THEN I DO FROM MY OWN DRUNKEN KIN. SO I WANT ALL IRISH PEOPLE TO VISIT THIS BLOG EVERYDAY. EXCEPT YOU GINGER FUCKS. YOU ALL KINDA GROSS ME OUT. EXCEPT FOR THE REALLY, REALLY HOT FIRM BREASTED RED HEADS WITH ALLURING GREEN EYES. YOU'RE OK. BUT THE REST OF YOU FRECKELED FAIRY FREAKS.... NO.Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-20881208675423067182013-05-07T17:07:00.004-07:002013-05-07T17:12:33.244-07:00MOVIE REVIEWS BY SHADY "BIG SCREEN" GREGShady Greg, the world's sickest sack of slick slime, has a new side gig: reviewing movies. This is not a paying gig. Shady just randomly types up movie reviews, makes a couple dozen copies, and then very randomly "distributes" them around Ann Arbor, Ypsilanti and various highway Rest Area's he visits on Midnight "Feedings". There is no rhyme or reason behind the reviews. He might review a current movie but far more likely you are to find a review of a movie (a <strong><em><u>REALLY SHITTY</u></em></strong> movie) from Greg's DVD collection. The movies are not reviewed by Shady Greg, but rather by Jumbo Jimbo Big Screen Screaming Big Jim The Movie Man Jammer Review Maestro Thumb Ass Greggory-(he thinks the Greggory will help establish him as a serious film critic. There is no explanation for the insanity preceding Greggory). This whole movie reviewer thing started because Shady liked to advocate movies to his co-worker's. This is before his taste in movies was well known by us. Greg would bring in DVDs to work and hand them out to us "Here watch this. It's a classic! Return it anytime and I'll loan ya another classic! Go on, Take It!". One by one we all began to refuse accepting any movies from Shady because, invariably, they would all <u>SUCK!</u> He took great offense to this. He created this movie reviewer persona to fight for respect for "All the great movies" that are "Shunned by the Masses of Too Cool's" and "McQueen wannabes" following each others' opinions instead of standing on their own "Two hands like hand walking individuals across the centuries have!". You must understand, Greg laughed when ET died and cried when they closed The Best Little Whore House in Texas; he cheered for Ol' Yellars death and mourned the burnt breast of Sister Agatha in Nude Nuns with Guns! Shady longs for a DareDevil sequel and fails to appreciate The Avengers. Shady Greg's ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE is an absolute abomination entitled Cutthroat Island. Starring a hung over looking Geena Davis and a terribly miscast Matthew Modine, Cutthroat Island is in The Guinness Book of World Records as the all time biggest movie flop in American Cinema history! (Seriously. You can look it up. Bigger flop than ISHTAR. Bigger flop than Heaven's Gate.) Shady reviewed it thusly: <em>Whoa! Shiver Me Timbers, matey! This first mate wants a bottle o' RUM! Ho! Ho! Ho! The Seven Sea's are still Rockin' from HOT HOT HOT Genie Davis pegleggin' her way across 'em! Talk about FULL MAST! I have a rudder a cat couldn't scratch! I am of course talking about </em><strong>CUTTHROAT ISLAND</strong><em> the greatest bouncing Buccaneer bash of Historically accurate Piratey Stuff ever put to film! LAND HO! If you haven't seen this SWASH BUCKLER go to the trash bin of your closest video rental store and pray for a copy, because this is GRADE A enter-Freakin'-tainment! "... ... ...</em> Shady goes on like that for six pages or so even going so far as to say "this is the kind of movie you get when God his own Self gets behind the camera and CREATES ART for the EYE PATCH CROWD!". Anyhow, if you find one of Shady's movie reviews lying around somewhere DO NOT READ IT! <span style="font-size: large;"><strong>BURN IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! </strong></span><span style="font-size: small;">(matey)</span>Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7927558336375414736.post-65505484016806803642013-04-20T16:40:00.002-07:002013-04-20T16:40:17.119-07:00SATANIC CARTOONS OF NUDE KELLY MONACO!HA! HA! MADE YOU LOOK!Jimmy Keithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04595369768293515792noreply@blogger.com0