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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

THE CHINESE HAVE STOPPED READING MY BLOG!

OK, normally I don't care what the Chinese people do to amuse themselves: Build walls, write fortunes, re-engineer chopsticks, whatever. Recently however, I've noticed a sharp decrease in chinese readership. Like no Chineses readership. I don't think a Chinamen (or China Doll. I'm not sexist) has visited my site in at least three months. What gives? Then it dawned on me. I've stopped releasing TOP SECRET MILITARY SECRETS AND STUFF! So in an attempt to win back some Chinese readership, which ensures free egg rolls arriving at my door, I've decided to once again release TOP SECRET MILITARY SECRETS AND STUFF! I know betraying my country is horrible and wrong and everything, but it is the "in" thing to do these days. So here goes: AMERICA OWNS LOTSA BOMBS. SOME OF THEM ARE NU-CLEAR AND STUFF! Also, AMERICA is constantly working on NEW EVEN DEADLIER WEAPONS AND STUFF! And while this may come as a shock to some of you AMERICA TESTS NEW WEAPONS almost DAILY! Also, while America has a fairly high population of Chinese people (dancers, acrobats, cooks, gymnasts, Dry Cleaners [1hr], cooks, and even gymnasts) there are still a lot of Americans who feel we should use TOP SECRET MILITARY SECRET WEAPONS WITH STEALTH TECHNOLOGY AND STUFF AGAINST CHINA NOW! This could wipe out our debt sooner rather than later and stuff. I, for one will propogate this type of thinking if I don't start seeing free egg rolls arrive at my door again! Also, some Dim Sun. That's GOOD shit! Thank you.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

WELCOME TO ALL MY LATVIAN READERS!

While I have always been a ridicously popular blogger in Europe, it has only been recently that Latvia has caught on to my AWESOMENESS. I am grateful that the Latvian people have finally figured out that my FANTASTIC sense of humor is very much in step with the slightly less fantastic Latvian sense of humor yet better than the morbid and sophmoric sense of humor of the Estonians (those fucking Estonians...). I must say I have always thought it amusing that the National Language of Latvia is Latvian. The minority language of Latvia is Latgalian. And a Latvian walking around with a fat wallet means he has a pocket full of Lats. Seriously? Your Latvian money is called Lats? Do you people "3rd person" much? - "Hello. I am Latty the Latvian from Latvia with a wallet full of Lats." becomes "Latty don't play that! Latty FAT wid (sic) Lats!". Even the minority language of Latgalian came from the indigenous Latvian tribe called the LATGALIANS. It's like only we Americans, the Chinese, the Mexicans and a small handful of others that speak a language not named after our country. Of course, the true Fuck ups would be the Canadiens. They speak English, French, Stupid, and Stupid Canadien (even worse than those fucking Estonians). Oh yeah, Canadiens also speak a hybrid mix of ancient Chinese Secret dialects known as "Dumb so Young" used mostly when discussing getting stains out of clothing. Anyhow, I say welcome to all my new Latvian Friends!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

SHADY GREG AND THE ISOLATION CHAMBER

Shady Greg, the world's most "Hands On" scout leader, is at it again. At what? Well, typical bizarre behaviour. Shady, who has no known friends since the possible death of Gay John, has announced that he has installed an Isolation Chamber in the vacuum area. Said Chamber is merely the top half of an old Hoover box which Greg places on his head while standing in a corner and nasally sings "I'm invisible! I'm invisible! Nan na nan na naaaaaaaah!" over and over until THE BEEHIVE WOMAN walks over and kicks him in the balls. Word on the street is that Shady and BEEHIVE are shacking up.

Monday, June 10, 2013

SHADY GREG STILL CHEATING CUSTOMERS!

Shady Greg, a man so low he makes a Dung Beetle look classy, has sunk even lower. As most of you know Shady left the Appliance Department here at Kitchen's and More for the vacuum area (it is neither capitalized nor a department. Merely a vague area in which lost sales souls wander. Greg is very much at home). Recently, the vacuum area expanded slightly with the addition of fans and microwaves and humidifiers (all the cheap shit the Appliance Department Sales Force refuses to dirty our hands with). The Shady One couldn't bother himself with learning anything at all about the new products he sells. His workmates like the Fabulous Ricky Ricardo (yes that's his real name. Oddly, he is French) have studied their materials and are experts at explaining each item. Shady just makes shit up. He is best (meaning at his worst) with senior citizens. Shady was telling his OWN 97 yr old GRANDMOTHER that the convection microwave she was looking at doubles as a house fan and a humidifier but does not clean floors, however if she just bought the $600 Dyson vacuum she would have the best vacuum/humidifier/fan/ microwave on the planet! Lies flow forth from Greg like clumpy brown water flows through the sewer. Also, on the disgusting side, Shady had stated that he wanted to be a better man. His solution? He now collects used condoms. Why? So he can share a 'Snowball" with all of America.

Monday, June 3, 2013

IT'S NOT EVOLUTION. IT'S SEX!

OK. Here's the deal. The real truth. God didn't create all the different animals on Earth and neither did evolution. Sex did. Plain and simple. Think about it. Something like a hundred thousand years ago, and this is just one example, a really horny bear walked down to a stream. At that exact moment a really sexy salmon was swimming by. The horny bear fucked the sexy salmon and nine months later the world got its first seal. Simple. A duck fucks a beaver and BOOM!- Platypus! Simple. Anyhow I hope this clears matters up and stops the argueing.