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Sunday, January 20, 2013


Here, my faithful readers and cult like followers, is my much requested D&D post (D&D is a short, quick, hip way to say Dungeons and Dragons to fellow gamers in the know [gamers-people who play games like D&D or Shoots and Ladders] -interesting side note Shoots and Ladders was the predecessor to Donkey Kong). People are constantly wanting to tap into my vast knowledge concerning D&D history and strategy and now I plan to share it all. So first let us start with history: Dungeons and Dragons was originally conceived by Norway's King Harald the Icy back in 1392 on a sleet filled Sunday when his wife was out shopping. King Harald named his new game Fuck Denmark but then Denmark invaded Norway and took over (can you imagine getting your ass kicked by Denmark? Denmark! How chicken shit do you have to be?) and the game was renamed Orve un Nort de Horhies which literally translates to Damn it's cold and Fuck the Norwegians. The game was an instant hit. Except in Norway. King Harald, who now lived in a shack on the outskirts of Vunderhoos, never received any royalties which is ironic since he was a king. The popularity of Orve un Nort de Horhies waned in the Dark Ages as people got preoccupied with the Bubonic Plague and dying and shit. Also it was tough to see the board in the dark. Then, in 1973, some dope smoking hippies came along who were really into Hobbits and shit and had plenty of time on their hands due to lack of social commitments and they decided to smoke more dope. Then they "invented" a new game (It really pissed off the Denmarkians ... the Donuts... The Danish! because they wanted royalties but nobody could understand a word they said; it was all "Der da der der da doo der"  which only made the dope smokers giggle. Anyhow, the Hippies named their new game DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (The bold type is more manly and well Hung-ish) and it instantly attracted an audience of roughly 25 people! They all met at first in Fred's basement but Fred's mom got pissed about having to make 25 PB&J's each week with the crusts cut off (PB&J is a short,quick, hip way to say zero effort). The game grew through word of mouth until the audience had nearly tripled by the mid 80's and Fred's basement gave way to smaller groups of 4 or 5 people meeting at Ted's or Harry's or even Gunther's room above the garage. Then, in 1997, Stan created the first new addition to the game called Orc's on a Picnic which cost $1.25 and added new layers and depth to the game by bringing picnics into the mix. Orc's on a Picnic is a Roll20 standard on a D24 Table otherwise known as a FLAIL SNAILS game. It is the first module to introduce THE KHARGHRA as a left handed loan shark with a soft spot for elves. This is a module that still rivals MOAR and BLACKMOAR in popularity although many people (roughly 12) felt that the distinct absence of the PRINCES of ELEMENTAL EVIL is unforgivable. These days D&D is an international sensation with over 700 proud gamers World Wide! New modules are arriving on the scene almost daily and the more adventureous ones (yours truly) enjoy our combat with 30 sided dice and some Harry Potter Butter Beer. One last thing the Norwegians really do spell Harold as Harald. Fucking Norwegians!

1 comment:

  1. First off shouldn't it be a D24 Table with Roll20 options? Probably not. Secondly, Ol' KIng Harald says "Nor Veg!" and thirdly, Shady Greg the fucking Asshole switched my font color to black fucking up the look of my post.