Sunday, December 23, 2012
I get asked all the time if Shady Greg is really as slimy as I paint him to be. Simply put: YES! However, even more often I am asked if Shady is really as flat out fucking stupid as these tales say or , perhaps, I embellish The Shady One's stupidity just a tad. Allow me to state for the record, once and for all, Shady Greg is, unequivocally, THE STUPIDEST PERSON on the entirety of EARTH!!! I understand, especially at this time of the year, that that is not a very charitable thing to say about anyone. To say it about Shady Greg though, I was being charitable! Not only did I refer to him as a person, but I refrained (against my true feelings) from writing "Shady Greg is the STUPIDEST FUCKING IDIOT of a SHITTY STUPID FUCK WAD of a RETARDED FAILED ABORTION to ever walk the planet". Just thinking of Greg's stupidity makes me go all grammatically incorrect and shit. Here at Kitchens and More we have had Christmas music blaring over the sound system since September. Very Annoying. The annoyance is compounded by Shady walking around singing stupidly and off key: "All I want for Christmas is my two front feet, my two front feet, my two front feet All I want for Christmas is my two front feet, my two front feet, my two front feet" on and on until I threaten his very existence and he switches to : "Check the halls for dust and dolly" or "Little Bummer Boy". These are not attempts at humor. Shady is just an idiot. He thinks Frosty is a glowman and that Rudolph is a bed hosed rain fear (Shady is borderline illiterate and a FUCKING idiot. Making sense is not a necessity for the brainless). Shady claims to be very religious, yet he thinks Santa (yes, he actually believes in Santa) and Jesus are one in the same (How else could Santa deliver all those presents in one night?). Kind of puts the TRINITY into new light, doesn't it? The Father, The Son and The Holy Santa? Rudolph then would not be fiction, but Devine Intervention. Seriously, Greg has been known to sit at a stop sign for up to an hour waiting for it to change. All I want for Christmas is my two front feet. Shady Greg REALLY is a Fucking Idiot!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Shady Greg, the smelliest talking turd on Earth, has increased his smell factor by 310% (don't quote me on the percentage. I suck at math and tend to just make numbers up. I believed in eleventeen until I was twelve)! Enough about me though, this blog is about the reigning Heavyweight Chump (ha! chump!) of Stupidity-Shady Greg! The Shady One has stopped defecating. Shit still flows freely from his mouth and comes out his ears and he has never gotten the stains out of the seats of his pants, but he no longer allows actual poop to leave his body. This has been going on for close to a week now, and frankly, it scares me. Shady is a light greenish color around his ears, neck, and mouth. Every 20 minutes or so he doubles over clutching his ample stomach in pain; grimacing "Jesus Darwin Dinosaur Fuck!" while his whole body shakes. Shady swears he has never felt better. Why would anyone deprive themselves from morning movement Glory, you ask? Because they are a fucking idiot! Shady read an article about a Tibetan Monk who only needs to "make waste" once a month. Apparently, the Monk dude has reached a higher plane of "Being". Shady, because he makes a fucking idiot look like a genius, decided he too will achieve a higher plane. Shady didn't want to waste anytime with meditation, prayer, exercise, charity or anything else one might concentrate on to improve one's self. No. Shady Greg figures all he needs to do is limit himself to a monthly dump and BAM! instant Nirvana. So now Shady can be heard up to 30 yards away because of all the weird, loud gurgling, growling, gargling sounds emanating from his abdomen.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Shady Greg, the vilest of the vile, has randomly sweating balls. This does not sound like a normal condition to me. Shady, however, insists that a nut sack just generating sweat whenever is a perfectly normal thing. It is so normal that Greg leads a weekly support group called Testical Testify (tag- Two Balls No strikes 12 Steps!). It's a collection of semi-men and one strange woman (back up a sec. Not Semi driving men. Semi-men.) who meet in the basement of Chaz Bono's yoga instructors' house (talk about unemployed) and discuss how their balls sweat randomly (I guess. I mean it's a support group for people with randomly sweating balls. And a chick who has a thing for guys with randomly sweating balls. Or she has a sweaty man trap. Or both.). Anyhow, I just thought I would share this with you all because I thought it was one of the strangest things I had ever heard. Shady seems proud of it. If you happen to be standing next to him when his balls start there random sweat; He'll tell you. "Hey guess what? My balls are getting moist. I can actually smell the vinegar!". Then he'll walk away. Until the next time. Strange Fucked up semi-man, is Shady Greg.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Shady explained it was merely orifice confusion and could happen to anybody. He then re-froze the banana.