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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Willard conjures the courage to order a pizza (almost)

Willard is 5' 7" 178 pounds with a clamish complexion and high forehead. He wears small black walking shoes with his pale khakis . His tan Polo's are always pressed and the graying ring of hair that wraps from one large ear to another is rarely combed but always short. Willard fears change the way Bigfoot fears credible witnesses. His routine is set in stone and it NEVER varies. Every single night Willard eats either a chicken or a beef Spartan pot pie for dinner with a glass of 2% milk that was poured exactly 20 minutes before it it can be touched so that is does not freeze his throat on the way down. Willard is exceptionally single.
   One extraordinary Tuesday Willard woke up with a feeling of bravado that he had never experienced before. He showered that morning with extra vigor even keeping his eyes open when he soaped the forbidden area and did not grind his teeth at all. He actually strolled to work, thinking to himself " Holy Tipping Cow! I am actually, factually strolling! Hot Diggity Deputy Dawg!". Had Willard's day ended there it would have all ready been one for the history books. End it did not. No! Willard's day of awesomeness continued along with one thrilling accomplishment after another until Willard was giddy with unknown self confidence. He did his noon crossword in pen.
   As Willard walked home ( strolling at this point would only be showing off ) he thought about the drawer in the credenza. He hated even being near the drawer because he'd swear he could feel it's contents mocking him. Daring him. Taunting him. Willard felt that this night all that would change. Willard felt that this extraordinary day could only be capped by an extraordinary night. That meant tonight Willard would boldly stroll (Yes Stroll!) up to the feared drawer in his creepy credenza and face the contents without fear. Well some fear but still he'd face up to it!
   Willard did stroll up to his feared credenza drawer. Willard did retrieve it's contents with a trembling hand and a very small butterfly (more a sick moth than anything) in his stomach. For you see what the drawer contained was an old and wrinkled take out/delivery menu from Tony the Wops Dago Dungeon and Pizza Parlor (name brand suits sold at 70% off in back). Willard took the menu to his favorite old brown La-Z-Boy and sat slowly, taking deep breaths to calm himself and mentally prepared to open the menu. All of a sudden, with a sweeping motion and extra flourish, Willard opened the mocking menu! PEPPERONI! SAUSAGE! HAM! BACON! MUSHROOMS! ONIONS! PEPPERS! On and on toppings charged at Willards' eyes as crust choice after crust choice hammered his sloth like brain- THIN CRUST! SICCILLIAN! REGULAR! ROUND! SQUARE! FOUR CORNER! Willard slammed the menu on his circular end table, closed his eyes, and thought about prime numbers until his pulse returned to normal.

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