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Sunday, January 15, 2012

How did nice guy Greg wind up an evil treacherous ASS?

The question I am most often asked is "Has Greg always been an evil money grubbing  fanged monster of  an asshole?". The answer is no. Once upon a time Greg was a really caring nice gentleman, friend, and pleasant co-worker. The first sign of trouble was actually fairly subtle. Greg slowly stopped answering to the name Greg and would only answer to Bitch Magnet. At first this was actually amusing as dear sweet Ruby would have to call in her lilting accent " Hey Bitch Magnet how to do this? I cancel first or ring first Bitch Magnet?". This was always good for a smile on a slow day. Or if Greg was in the back and an announcement was needed-"Bitch Magnet to vacuums please", or some such thing. Over time this grew wearisome and change was needed. My co-workers and I asked Greg to please return to answering to Greg. Surprisingly, he agreed to this. Our relief was short lived. You see,  during the entire Bitch Magnet phase Greg was still, overall, a nice and honest  man, who was merely delusional when it came to his sex appeal. Somewhere along the way Greg began to think that maybe nice guys really do finish last and it was time for a change. Did Greg then just show up to work evil one day? Of course not. Oddly' he showed up to work wearing a black cape. That day was the first day I know of Greg cheating a customer. Oh it was a small cheat; a few pennies extra on a filter or something. It could have been written off as an honest mistake if not for the cackle. The cackle was bone chilling in its menace. The cackle was as horrible sounding as a starved babys' scream. The only amusing aspect was Greg pulling his cape up to his chin for some sort of Dracula effect except it caught in his mouth and he gagged like an alley cat on a monster hairball. This lessened the menace of the cackle quickly and Greg decided he did not need a cape. It was visible in his eyes though he did not like being laughed at, he did not like being referred to as the "cape choking pussy" or "Count Chokeula." Greg vowed then and there that no one would ever laugh at him again.Sadly, it was that day that Shifty Evil Greg the Money Grubbing Lying Cheating Baby Stomping Old Lady Tripping Shit Kisser was born. Coincidentally, that same day Greg quit wearing white socks (not evil enough. now he only wears 100% wool socks that leave his feet hot sweaty and itchy. Much better for feeling rottenly evil.)
     I know most of you are wondering about Greg's marriage. I get asked all the time " isn't Greg married to the sweetest woman alive?". Yes. Does Greg's wife put up with his being evil? No. The poor sweet woman is unaware of her husbands rottenness! For example, word did get back to her about the time Greg sold a food stamp carrying single mother of three a ridiculously expensive microwave by telling her it could be used for birth control (if you need to know , it works by seating your uterus on the door while at full power for ten minutes a day). Greg, when questioned by his wife of how ethical this form of selling was, explained that it was most likely true and would save the woman the embarrassment of buying condoms and would be cheap sex education for her kids (what with seeing their beloved mother pantyless straddling a microwave). His sweet wife believed her husband and commended him for his thoughtfulness. Legend has it that when Greg was explaining all this B.S. to his wife he was harder than a trigonometry test at 7 am! Despicable. I know.

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