GAY DEEP THROAT JOHN IS GIVEN FREE LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP TO THE BETTE MIDLER SPA AND BATHS!

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GAY JOHN NOW WISHES TO BE CALLED "DEEP THROAT"

All hail the fragile male ego of Gay John. A man so abused by life that one little complement from a nine year old girl sent his head spinning off to Wonder Land. Gay John came down to the appliance department, here in Kitchens and More, apparently with the express wish of aggravating all (wish fulfilled) when he decided it was time to make a store announcement. So the Gay One hooks himself up to the P.A. system (First he had to run scales with his voice. The pretentious Bastard.) Anyway, once he deemed his voice to be properly warmed up, he began to speak. He made his announcement (something about saving his ass, please help, if you can. I wasn't really listening.) and this cute little girl, certainly no older than nine and possibly as young as six (I don't have any kids. They all look the same.) complemented John on his voice. He thanked her and patted her on the head before offering his autograph to her. She declined by saying "Get real, Pancake!" (?) and skipping off to her mother. That should have been the end of it. A chagrined Gay John should have shuffled out and along with his head down, but no, not him, not (Broadway) Gay John! The delusional tap dancer actually launched into a remarkably long, rambling story about how for years he was a highly regarded Carnival Barker. Who gives a shit right? I know. John said he has always been aware of his "rich,beautiful,luxorious and resonant baritone" and thought that if it were not too much trouble he'd like to be known from here forward as Deep Throat. Once I recovered from my laughing fit I said "No you don't you fucking idiot". John is too young and un-read to know about Watergate or Linda Lovelace. So after I explained these things to him he actually seemed to ponder for a moment before saying "OK how about Gay Deep Throat John"?

SHADY GREG NOW PRACTICES CANINE PROCTOLOGY FOR FREE!

Shady Greg, perhaps the sickest salesman slinging shit (now literally) in the country has added proctology to his personal list of Gross-Out hobbies. Yes, hobbies. Shady Greg is now practicing canine proctology (procto-ing a dogs ass, I guess) for free. The Shady One apparently so enjoys his new hobby that he is advertising with neighborhood flyer's." Is your dogs anus too tight? Does your little REX or SPOT need a good fisting? Should little FLUFFY have her poop - hand examined - by an interested adult? Yes, PLEASE! Seriously, bring me your pet (dogs and lizards accepted. no cats. well, maybe a TOMCAT or two) and I, GREG THE ANAL-MAN, shall examine its poopershoot for free !Also I get to keep what I find!) ". It then goes on with Greg's phone number and a picture of a Pomeranian smiling (yes smiling) while a hand holding a pink dildo does the un-speakable to the poor little guy. Thankfully, the police have been notified and with his previous record (Two years for transporting an underage llama across state lines ) he should be put out of business soon.

GAY JOHN AND SHADY GREG PRACTICE BEING A CATERPILLAR!

OK That's so fucking gross I am not even going to write this!

THE TRUTH BEHIND SHADY GREG'S FIRST MARRIAGE!

To better understand how the Shady One got to be as cynical and deranged as he is, I share the following true story, which he himself told me late one night when he had been drinking on the job, eyes bleary, vomit on his shoes (Which had at first caused Greg to scream "Where the fuck did the corn come from? I haven't had any corn!") dribble on his chin. Shady told me that before he found his current and "Glorious" wife he had been previously married. I asked him what caused the first marriage to collapse and, words slurring greatly, he relayed this story: I was finishing the worst shift of my life. All my customers had been assholes, i had been hammered with returns and was ending my shift $3200 in the hole. On my way home I got t-boned by some stupid, high teenager with no insurance. My car was smashed in on the passenger side now and I had only bought it the week before. Needless to say I was pissed! So I drive home, and have to park it in the driveway because my garage door opener was on the fritz. Anyhow, I get out of my car and through an open upstairs window I hear my then wife moaning. At first, as I stood there, The moaning was soft and could have meant she was injured or something. As I made my way to the front door though her moaning grew in intensity and was punctuated with little "Oh Baby"s and "Come on"s and shit. I burst through my front door and stopped at the bottom of my stairs. There, I stood for a second, hereing my wife moan and scream and swear in ecstacy like she had never done for me. I told myself she was  masturbating. She COULDN"T  be cheating on me. Not me damnit! But deep down I knew she was. With my wife beginning to yell "FUCK ME HARDER! FUCK ME HARDER!" I charged up the stairs and kicked open our bedroom door. And there she was. On the bed. My best friend fucking her from behind. I cursed my wife "You Bitch! You Whore! You Slut!" then I turned to my best friend and I screamed "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!".

SHADY GREG AND HIS GUILTY CONSCIOUS!

Shady Greg has a very guilty conscious. Sometimes just saying hi to Greg will elicit a very funny response. One time Shady was kneeling in front of  a broom closet and I said "What's up, Greg?". He turned quickly and half screamed "I've never sucked a cock in my life!". Another time He was leaning against a wall, eyes half closed, small smile tugging at his lips and I said "what's up, Greg?". His eyes opened wide and he half screamed "I"ve NEVER sucked a cock in my life!". This other time Greg was trying to sell a dishwasher to a customer and the customer asked "How much is installation?" Greg shoved the customer and yelled "I've never sucked a cock in my life!". So just the other day Greg was walking in and and our manager said "Hi Greg. How was your weekend" and with an embarrassed  face Greg said "I've NEVER swallowed!"

THE REAL GREG

Greg is a fucking retard who plays with cardboard boxes at work pretending that they are accordions, hamburgers, binoculars or a dozen other things retarded 50 year olds find amusing. So all this time we thought he was shady we were wrong. I mean he is shady but he is mostly retarded. Greg see's a young chick walk by and he says "Sure she has saddlebags but I'd fuck her horse!". So he is a sick retard as well. Greg farts and says "Sorry just thinking out loud". Every time! Greg puts VISINE on his dick. Why? So he never gets a "Red Eye". Fucking retard. Every time he burps he says "Tastes like chicken". Every time! If he has to take a dump he announces "Hey it's time to go drop the kids off at the pool" and if he needs to pee he announces "Time to salt the slug and watch it shrivel" which doesn't even make sense except for the FACT that he's a fuckin' retard! Greg opened up a stapler and told those of us unfortunate enough to be trapped on the floor with him that it was a stapler puppet. "Would you like to talk to my stapler?" he asked me. I growled that he should leave me the fuck alone before I snapped his neck. The moron stuck the stapler in my face and sang in some sort of faggy Kermit voice "Lookie Lookie Lookie a bad mood gets no cookie cookie cookie". I stuffed Greg  and his puppet (Bitey) into a dryer. A minute later a strangled faggy Kermit voice from inside the dryer sang "Nobody understands the trouble I've seen..." I turned the dryer on and walked away.
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