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Sunday, July 1, 2012

SHADY GREG HOLDS BREATH FOR SALE!

Shady Greg, the worlds shadiest salesman, has sunk to a new low! I know. I know. He sinks to new lows more often than a dog licks his balls (not its balls but his. Shady Greg's. He is one sick bastard!) but it is still fun to report his new lows. Besides, this one is funny shit. Shady had an elderly woman in the store looking for a new, cheap, basic, beige, non-fancy oven. Shady pointed at a few items but (even for him) he wasn't very helpful. The woman didn't see anything that she really wanted, thanked Greg for his time, and said she would shop around. A co-worker,under his breath, said "Way to walk another one, Dickless Wonder" , referring to Greg by one of his many self-nicknames (Yes, self-nicknamed Dickless Wonder. He takes a perverse, masochistic pride in being dickless. And because I know you're curious it's due to a lawnmower that "purred like a kitten" and he "just wanted to see what it felt like"). Anyhow, Shady took offense to the implication that he walks customers so he caught up to the senior lady before she made it to the door and dragged her back to the sales floor. He began his "do over" by complimenting the woman ( "I must say your boobs don't droop too badly for an old broad") and offering "candy" from his pocket ("The red ones take you up and the blue ones bring you down"), thankfully she declined. She then informed Greg that she did not wish to purchase anything today, and that's when Shady took in a huge breath and held it. The woman stared at him for a moment before asking "What are you doing?". Shady only responded by shaking his head at her while never breaking eye contact. The woman said "You are VERY odd. I really must leave now". She tried to step around him but he blocked her path. Shady began to turn blue. He fell to his knees while his cheeks developed an interesting hue of violet. Shady collapsed face down on the dirty linoleum, his face an intense shade of Hell Fire and Purple Pain, beating his fists and kicking his feet, while his customer said "Get up! Get up you broken brained Looney!". Dear Sweet Ruby ran over shouting "Gleg! Gleg! You look good in purple. Oh! You is dying! Gleg! 'For you die, how I fix sale?". The Shady Ones eyes disapeared into his bloated, raisen colored face-his lips pure white, his nose flared, his chest creaking like ancient floorboards,every muscle screaming for oxygen with his back arched in agony- The frail, old woman broke. "TAKE A BREATH FOR GODS SAKE!!" She screamed. Shady took in a very Glorious, Life saving breath. He looked at the old woman and said "So, you're ready to purchase something"? She said yes. Shady Greg Leered in TRIUMPH. She bought a $10 gift card and shuffled quickly towards the exit.

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