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Friday, November 15, 2013

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! FINALLY, SOMEONE NEW TO BLOG ABOUT!!!

Hello once again to all of my faithful readers! I bet most of you were thinking we would never speak again, right? Well, I'm back! Shady fucking Greg is (hopefully) in the past, having hopped a ship bound for Samoa to tend bar at some GAY AS HELL Tiki Hut style drinking establishment designed for Bondage bent banana blowers bumping butts with butt banging banana bangers. Shady and his Zombie Cock will fit right in. Anyhow, as I reported last month I myself have moved out to beautiful downtown Novi and am working at the Novi Kitchens and More Super Store. It is here, among the mostly clean, intelligent, classy, and wealthy people of Beautiful Downtown Novi that one of the strangest half breed semi humans lurks. His name is Chico Lowrider. Chico is of a mixed Latino/Neaderthal heritage with a touch of Labrador thrown in for good measure (Chico is very loyal and great at retrieving sticks and balls). Chico is, more or less, the appliance department mascot. Standing five feet tall with hunched shoulders, sloped forhead, beady criminal eyes and a generally shifty appearance; Chico makes most people uncomfortable and small children cry instantly. He onced sued Disney for defamation of character after the animated version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame was released. Chico felt the character resembled him too closely. The Disney lawyers took one look at Chico and settled out of court for an undisclosed sum (although, after Chico gets a few beers in him he'll tell you he recieved a lifetime supply of ALPO. Chico does not own a dog). Chico calls everybody "Holmes". It gets very annoying trying to figure out what the idiot is talking about when what you hear is "Hey Holmes. Holmes say that Holmes was late yesterday. Have you seen Holmes today or is Holmes home?". Chico carries one box cutter in his hand while keeping at least three more on his body at all times. Chico says that his job requires lots of box cutting and that his personality requires lots of defending. "Hey Holmes! I cut you Holmes!" is frequently heard around the sales floor here. Oddly, it is usually Chico threatening an old Rubiks Cube he found in his alley home that he feels torments him. I think Chico could provide a lot of story material for the future. I shall keep you all informed. ADIOS!

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