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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

MOVIE REVIEWS BY SHADY "BIG SCREEN" GREG

Shady Greg, the world's sickest sack of slick slime, has a new side gig: reviewing movies. This is not a paying gig. Shady just randomly types up movie reviews, makes a couple dozen copies, and then very randomly "distributes" them around Ann Arbor, Ypsilanti and various highway Rest Area's he visits on Midnight "Feedings". There is no rhyme or reason behind the reviews. He might review a current movie but far more likely you are to find  a review of a movie (a REALLY SHITTY movie) from Greg's DVD  collection. The movies are not reviewed by Shady Greg, but rather by Jumbo Jimbo Big Screen Screaming Big Jim The Movie Man Jammer Review Maestro Thumb Ass Greggory-(he thinks the Greggory will help establish him as a serious film critic. There is no explanation for the insanity preceding  Greggory). This whole movie reviewer thing started because Shady liked to advocate movies to his co-worker's. This is before his taste in movies was well known by us. Greg would bring in DVDs to work and hand them out to us "Here watch this. It's a classic! Return it anytime and I'll loan ya another classic! Go on, Take It!". One by one we all began to refuse accepting any movies from Shady because, invariably, they would all SUCK! He took great offense to this. He created this movie reviewer persona to  fight for respect for "All the great movies" that are "Shunned by the Masses of Too Cool's" and "McQueen wannabes" following each others' opinions instead of standing on their own "Two hands like hand walking individuals across the centuries have!". You must understand, Greg laughed when ET died and cried when they closed The Best Little Whore House in Texas; he cheered for Ol' Yellars death and mourned the burnt breast of Sister Agatha in Nude Nuns with Guns! Shady longs for a DareDevil sequel and fails to appreciate The Avengers. Shady Greg's ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE is an absolute abomination entitled Cutthroat Island. Starring a hung over looking Geena Davis and a terribly miscast Matthew Modine, Cutthroat Island is in The Guinness Book of World Records as the all time biggest movie flop in American Cinema history! (Seriously. You can look it up. Bigger flop than ISHTAR. Bigger flop than Heaven's Gate.) Shady reviewed it thusly: Whoa! Shiver Me Timbers, matey! This first mate wants a bottle o' RUM! Ho! Ho! Ho! The Seven Sea's are still Rockin' from HOT HOT HOT Genie Davis pegleggin' her way across 'em! Talk about FULL MAST! I have a rudder a cat couldn't scratch! I am of course talking about CUTTHROAT ISLAND the greatest bouncing Buccaneer bash of Historically accurate Piratey Stuff ever put to film! LAND HO! If you haven't seen this SWASH BUCKLER go to the trash bin of your closest video rental store and pray for a copy, because this is GRADE A enter-Freakin'-tainment! "... ... ...  Shady goes on like that for six pages or so even going so far as to say "this is the kind of movie you get when God his own Self gets behind the camera and CREATES ART for the EYE PATCH CROWD!". Anyhow, if you find one of Shady's movie reviews lying around somewhere DO NOT READ IT! BURN IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! (matey)

1 comment:

  1. What does this Big Jumbo Screaming Jammer fellow have to say about Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls? A true CLASSIC, right?

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