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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

SHADY GREG AND HIS NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Shady Greg has announced to us all: "The New Year will usher in a new and improved Shady Greg". My first response concerned what would be improved if your still shady? Greg was immensely pleased with my inquiry. He then explained at length that he will still lie, steal, cheat, and deceive; however, he will now do it with a song in his heart, a smile on his lips, and a semi-hidden erection (he used to flaunt his erections while ripping people off. Then he cut his dick off and couldn't. Then he got a Zombie Cock for a cock which really freaked people the fuck out when it went to full mast and Greg would giggle uncontrollably while it "Crowed"). I said "So, your New Year Resolution is to be more openly joyful while swindling?". "One of my resolutions; yes." As it turns out Greg has a very long list of things he plans to do differently in 2013. Some are actually fairly decent (on a very skewered scale) like his resolution to stop telling all  small children that Santa does not exist (only every other child he meets. The Shady One seems to feed on the tears of the young. And the old. And the middle aged.) Other resolutions of Greg's fall into the "too much information" category; for example: Shady will now only go on fisting expeditions with Kelly Monaco when on Ecstasy instead of speedballs and booze (yes, fisting not fishing). Greg has also stated for the record that from now on only condom encased foreign objects can be forcibly stuffed into any one of his structurally failing orifice's. Apparently, in days of old, Greg picked up one too many infections from rectum swallowing day old French baguettes with Bristol Palin crack piping away in the "cheering" section. Shady swears he will never again anally "beer bong" diet coke and mentos simply for YouTube fame (747,341 views. Check it out if you can stomach it. That's Greg in the Hello Kitty mask on all fours screaming "Feel the BURN!, baby, Feel the FUCKING BURN!" while an open mouthed and awed Oprah impersonator gets drenched in the unthinkable). For comparison, last year Shady Greg made one resolution : To stop eating Kit Kats. That lasted one day. The next day Greg was arrested for having a "Chocolate Orgy" with two Brownie Scouts and a dog (The Sick Fuck! Chocolate can kill a dog!)

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