SHADY GREG ATTEMPTS IMAGE CHANGE TO RUGGED GREG LINCOLN

I personally have never felt sorrier for a fellow human being than I feel for Shady Greg at this moment. Shady is a tall, gangly, nebbish, dick less (literally. Dick less.) balding Swedish Hungarian of Polish descent or an evil Nazi experiment gone horribly wrong. Either way, he has always been consistent. Consistently terrible, but consistent. Today, however, Greg threw us for a loop by showing up for work (amazing all on its own since he is the KING of phoning it in) dressed almost all in black-Black cowboy hat, black denim shirt, black denim jeans with black belt and huge silver belt buckle shaped like a sea horse (?) and pink Crocs that he bought at a garage sale for a buck (he loves the fucking things). What made me feel so sorry for him though was his face. As much as his face resembles that of a make-up less clown fighting his way out of a coma while trying to remember how to speak; at least it's Greg's face. Today, however, Shady showed up with an anemic Chihuahua humping his chin. "Hey Shady! Did you rub glue all over your face and then ask your wife to shave her legs over it?", asked Jimmie. Greg glared at Jimmie and responded with this gem: " Yeah? Well, your face. Hardy hardy hardy ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  Hardy Hardy Ha!"- Because Greg is an idiot. Anyhow, we all kind of just stared at the almost fuzzy chin of Shady Greg as he attempted to walk like John Wayne to the front of the appliance department and announced "Howdy Pard ners! Y'all can jes call me Rugged Greg Lincoln". We laughed at Shady until our stomachs hurt and he crawled crying crooked tears to his hiding spot next to the Boys TOUGHSKINS jeans rack mumbling to himself how much he liked his "Lincoln Beard" and waited for Lona to come over and piss in his mouth.

SHADY GREG AND THE CASE OF THE YOGURT COVERED DICK!

Shady Greg, the Jack-Ass Idiot with a heart of slime, continues to defy  normalcy. His latest tale of fucked up woe is as bizarre as I've ever heard here at Kitchen's and More. Let's start at the beginning. At least as near to the beginning as we can get. One fine day Greg was eating yogurt covered pretzels on the sales floor and thought to himself that if his dick was covered in yogurt he would get more blowjobs. Two problems with this idea right off the start: 1). Greg married a Jewish woman. How much head is she going to give when she won't even put pork in her mouth! Besides, they've been married a long time and after the first five years blowjobs become as rare as Pink Unicorns. 2). Shady Greg has no actual DICK. He wears a homemade contraption in place of a dick that accepts screw-in tools like mini-weedwhackers and magnifying glasses and other weird things that help Shady feel slightly more masculine walking around dickless. So that day Shady had a frozen earthworm in his pants (he planned on fishing after work) and decided to test his yogurt dick blowjob theory. He coated his earthworm in cherry vanilla yogurt and then squatted over a bottom freezer dangling his dripping stuff into the freezer hoping it would freeze the yogurt quickly. Shady could have just unscrewed the frozen earthworm without having to drop his pants around his ankles and squatting over a showroom floor bottom freezer but Shady is an exhibitionist Sick Fuck. Anyhow, without dragging this out any further than it needs to be, long story short and everything, Greg's yogurt covered earthworm of a dick is the whole reason Gay John wound up with a crazed walleye trying to force its way down his throat! And before any pissed off Jewish women angrily contact me, let me state for the record that I'm sure some of you are wonderful cocksuckers.

SORRY I HAVE NOT POSTED IN A WHILE BUT I HAVE BEEN HIDING FROM PISSED OFF ZAMBIANS

New posts are on the way, but I have not been able to type in comfort because feather covered spears with hand carved stone points keep zipping by my head. Apparently, a hit squad from Zambia has been dispatched to "Gut me like a rhino" for what was interpreted to be sarcastic comments in my previous post. For the record, I was not being sarcastic! I meant "try to stay cool" in a wide variety of positive ways, not as any sort of commentary on Zambia's frequent use of illegal "sweatshops" to manufacture plastic monkey paw or whatever Zambia may manufacture out side of dirt. I love Freakin' Zambia, OK? So could the tribal leader of Zambia (or whoever is in charge over there. The witch doctor extraordinaire, maybe?) please call off  the hit squad?

WELCOME TO MY ZAMBIAN BRETHREN!

I would like to extend my hand in friendship to all my new readers from  ZAMBIA! I am almost positive that Zambia lies (or sits) somewhere in Africa. Either the country or the continent as they are both spelled the same so I don't know which is which (although I do know one is bigger than the other). But whatever, it doesn't really matter as the big news is I have gained a huge new readership in Zambia! And I vow, here and now, to do my best not to lose or upset that readership. In fact, you will find , I am very Pro Zambia. Unless, of course,  Zambia is one of those countries that is run by a freakin' people eating madman whose into pet torture or giraffe beating, or some sort of insane military government or one of those small dicked but ego trippin' mirrored sunglasses wearing dictators or some other horrible thing. Then I would not be Pro Zambia at all, but rather very Anti Zambia while being very Pro Free Zambia and shit, ya know? My point being I love the Zambian people if not always the Zambian government...Unless the Zambian government is run by some sort of Mother Theresa type, then I would say "Long live Zambian Theresa", and stuff. Anyhow, any true Zambia loving Zambian will enjoy reading this blog as it will, from here on out, contain lots of Zambian folklore and stuff like that one about the lion who ate two Jews and a Christian and then walked into a hut bar or bar hut or whatever and the hut tender said "So how do you feel about Muslims?" or something like that. Hysterical! Anyway, have a great day and try to stay cool.

STUPID FUCKING TIME WASTERS AND ASSHOLE COCKSUCKERS!!!!

I HATE ALL OF THEM!!!!

JOHN SHAVES ENTIRE BODY - CHANGES NAME TO SILKY POOH

Poor, delusional John. He can't catch a break from anyone, least of all himself. Even his parents look down on him (they gave him the middle name "Oh Well"). Nothing goes right for John-Example: John's girlfriend (named Howie) has a thicker mustache than him and he has bigger boobs than her! His best friend, Shady Greg, once promised to teach John "The Cool Guy Secret Handshake". John needed three penicillin shots to clear up the infection and couldn't sit for a month (Even worse, the pictures Greg promised to burn are all over the Internet with captions like "That'll leave a stain" and "INCOMING!" If you really need to see them just go to Slap Happy Bare Bears.com). Anyhow, John has been reading management books, jogging, dieting and squinting his eyes like (he thinks) Clint Eastwood all in an attempt to be taken more seriously. John desperately wants to be treated with respect (an almost universal desire, admittedly) it's just that his latest plan to garner said respect is absurd, scary, freaky, and very GAY (not that there's anything wrong with gay)! John has shaved all hair from his body, including eyebrows, and slathered his body in butter oil while wearing clear see-thru heels. He demands to be called Silky Pooh! Now no one has any respect for him (he has even earned a new nickname from Alex in the Lawn & Garden department who saw Johns shrunken almost not there manhood and titled him Sliced Mushroom on the spot)!

READERS CURIOUS: DICKLESS WONDER?

Ever since revealing that Shady Greg, a giant DICK, is in fact, dickless, I have been swamped with letters and emails asking if he is transgender or something. The answer is NO! He only seems that way (effeminate, I mean). My readers expressed interest in knowing more about a man (term used loosely) with no bulge. I must clear up this misconception, Shady has several bulges (His ass bulges in odd directions like an obese rhinoceros in cheap Salvation Army slacks.)(Wait, are there skinny rhino's?). There actually is an ever changing bulge in the front of his jeans: allow me to explain. Have you ever seen the Bruce Lee movie Enter the Dragon? You know the Bad Guy-Mr. Han? He is missing his right hand (Mr. Han...hand) so he keeps a collection of screw in hands that he can use whenever he wants like a werewolf hand or a skeleton hand or a long fingered green alien hand; whatever strikes his fancy, right? Well, Shady has a bunch of screw in ... devices, I guess, would be the best way to describe them. Not dildo's or vibrators because Greg only fantasizes sex. He does not participate. No, what Shady screws into the space where his mini elf dick had been, is an impressive array of Inspector Gadget type tools. Literally. Greg has flower snippers, mini-weed whackers, a 9 volt drill driver, jumper cables, lighted magnifying glass, (ironically) a small hose, and he used to have an automated fly swatter but got rid of it because it kept hitting him in his own zipper (it was a FLY swatter!).