Thursday, March 7, 2013
SMOKING THE CHINESE DRAGON WITH SHADY GREG (he of the goat slit eyes)
It was another slow day around the sales floor here at Kitchens and More when Shady Greg arrived for his three hour shift (Greg is very delicate and can only work eight hours a week maximum. Usually no more than 90 minutes at a time). The Shady One was not dressed in his usual garish manner, but more like Shaggy from the old Scooby Doo cartoons. Nor did he greet us with his usual stammer of "Hidy Ho Ho Ho's and a Twinkie" but instead a whispered " 'Sup Dudes" as he put his shades in his ratty cargo pants pocket and admired his unlaced 1970's era high tops with all their black magic marker graffiti scribblings. Dear Sweet Ruby said "Hairlo Gleg. You is look different, today". To which Greg replied in his new, affected mumble "Yeah well Babydoll my Aura is Karma and I'm chameleon-ing" while he leaned against a refrigerator fumbling with a pack of orange flavored zig zags. Deer Sweet Ruby scrunched up her nose and asked "What he say? Aura is Karma? That make no sense". Greg whisper-spoke "It makes no sense to you because you don't understand Karma." Ruby's eyes damn near popped out of her head as she hissed "I is Indian, you Freak! We invent Karma! I is understanding you is idiot." "Jason Lee invented Karma" said Shady, "I catch him in reruns". Ruby shook her head and went to sit on a dehumidifier (I'm not kidding. Maybe they vibrate or something. I don't know). I asked Shady, aside from the whole Karma thing what's up with the clothes and the Zig Zags and what appeared to be three days worth of stubble on his chin (I say appeared because Greg's facial hair is as masculine as Ellen DeGeneres's all though I'm sure she has bigger genitals). Shady said he had been riding the Chinese Dragon with his new friend Panda Glen and had never felt better. He then credited Panda Glen with introducing him to Karma, casual clothing, and cock rings for recreational use in rafting and hang gliding. I just sorta stared at Shady while my brain frantically tried to erase some terrible images. Shady then said, "Yeah ol' Panda gets the best Chinese Dragon in town. McCormacks. Right there at Kroegers, so you know it's good. Only charges me a $100 an ounce too!"