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Friday, May 25, 2012

SHADY GREG AND HIS FART DIET

Shady Greg, the notorious prick, decided to get even with all of his co-workers. Get even for what? For the crime of being Bastards and Bitches in our behaviour towards him (in his mind). So Shady Greg hatched his most diabolical plan to date! He created the Fart Diet! You may of course wonder what a Fart Diet is. It's a diet that allows the user to eat whatever he wants, so long as it creates the most noxious gas imaginable. For instance, eating an orange is pointless because nobody has ever complained about orange farts. However, apple farts are some of the most disgusting on earth. Thus apples are a staple of the Fart Diet. Wine. Wine does not cause nasty gas, however, beer will do wonders to the Ozone! Therefor beer is a mandatory part of the Fart Diet. You must understand, Shady Greg is a sick, deranged bastard who studied his farts for 17 years (as part of a family unity project) and used his findings to create a daily regimen of eating, focused on farting. Shady determined that eggs were responsible for 63% of his "puffers" - Farts that blow out semi-softly with a slight whooshing sound. His research showed that garlic, which is a natural cleanser, shot out Retard Making smells in a machine gun rat-a-tat-tat way that also "Felt" really,really good. Everyone on the planet knows beans cause gas, but Shady Greg learned to differentiate between pinto,black, and navy bean farts. Like a gas obsessed alchemist Shady created his own hybrid bean which contained the A-Bomb power of a black bean fart with the elongated blasting noise of baked beans while still delivering the central nervous system attack of a Louisiana Red Beans and Rice shocker. When you combine this kind of, otherwise, useless information with the drive to eat meals made entirely of "fart" foods you tend to get gastrointestinal attacks of COW HERD proportions! Think of it- one man consuming a garlic,apple, and Greg-O-Bean (his name for his bean) six egg omelet , topped with muenster cheese (for gas you can see!) and coconut (for "texture"-don't ask me, talk to the sick fuck) and washed down with Blatz Beer (beer guarunteed to flex your sphincter) and you have a walking, unhinged, Bio-Weapon with the power to melt plastic at twenty yards while killing flies (and coworkers) within an 18 foot radius. This is what we here at Kitchens and More have to deal with. GOD HELP US!

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