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Friday, May 11, 2012

SHADY FUCKIN' GREG WET WILLYS ARTHUR FOR "CHARITY"

Shady Greg, the mentally unstable jackass idiot of annoyance, has become even more unstable and annoying. Here at Kitchens and More we have hired a new associate named Arthur (Art) (or Franklin because he looks like John Adams). Art is a pleasant sort of fellow, quiet, sort of nervous, with an odd way of speaking which makes me think he used to get his ass kicked a lot so now try's to go un-noticed or something. Anyhow, Shady Fuckin' Greg decides he wants to raise money for charity and he is looking for a way to do it. Now, before you go thinking Shady is some kind of nice guy let me make it clear that charity is actually Charity- A clapped up,hunched back,toothless pole dancer who's missing her left foot due to a weed whacker incident (incident not accident). Charity wants a boob job. Shady wants her to have one. Apparently, she is also missing one boob and the one she has is flat,ugly, and hairy! So she and Shady want her to get a brand new big one-Centered!-without hair. Charity is white but Shady is trying to convince her to get a black boob because he has unresolved issues to clear up and it won't show a tan line. Anyhow, Charity found out that Art works at Kitchens and More when she came in to shop prosthetics for her missing foot (We don't sell prosthetics per say, but do sell big party platters and bowls which ,if attached properly, would allow Charity a sort of gliding motion while never being without onion dip). Charity saw Art and spat in his general direction. Art flinched and hid in the Home Goods section until she left. Turns out Art, long ago in days gone by, used to be Charity's number one non-contact lap dance customer (Art refused contact due to germ concerns. Charity had to use the arm rests to raise herself above him). Art would then tip Charity, who's real name is Cinamon Roxy; a name she felt wasn't "stripperish" enough, with a Canadien dollar. Charity considered Canadien dollar tips to be a very bad tip since at the time a Canadien dollar was worth like 12 cents in America (However, a Canadien dollar was worth $57 in Peru or the head of a chicken. The head of a chicken in Peru is of course worth two ox tails. Two ox tails or the head of a chicken both being easier to spend in Peru than $57). Anyhow, when Shady Fuckin' Greg (or the Great Gregarious Greg the Grand Guy-another one of his stupid self nicknames that nobody uses. Gregarious, I would guess,is to be ironic because he can barely string two coherent sentences together) heard that Charity disliked Art and he decided he too disliked Art. Charity decided Greg was easily led enough that she could get him to do anything she wished. She told Greg to "rid me, and thus the world, of the disturbance that is The Dread Tipper Art". Shady Greg, having the IQ of a clam and the courage of a bunny took this to mean that he should pester Art until Art leaves. Shady did  attempt to solicit financial contributions from all of his co-workers for the pleasure of watching Art get "Wet Willied". None of us contributed. And one day there Art stood, alone by the dehumidifiers, when Shady snuck up behind him, screamed "Wet Willy!", and shoved his pinky sized dick into Arthurs waxy canal. Most people ,of course, use a saliva soaked finger but Greg didn't want to have to wash his hands later.

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