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Friday, November 2, 2012


Shady Greg, the most selfish Bastard to ever walk the Earth, has solidified his acceptance into the Selfish Bastard Hall of Shame Fame for his latest act of  bastardly selfishness. Shady Greg's long suffering wife Gulag Greta (name changed to protect the innocent) bought a 23 lb. frozen turkey for the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday (a good pre-season sale at Kroger) because family is coming in for a shady reunion. Greg, the selfish bastard, took one look at the size of the turkey and immediately proclaimed the right drumstick to be his (along with the neck, all giblets, the wishbone and first three spoonfuls of creamed corn). Gulag Greta, bless her soul, patiently explained to Shady that Thanksgiving is weeks away and he can't just lay claim to a drumstick on an uncooked turkey. So Shady Greg pouted. He whined. He begged. He pleaded. He demanded. Nothing worked. Then inspiration hit (along with perspiration. Shady Greg sweats like a motherfucker once he gets going). Shady drove down the block to his favorite hookah joint which recently underwent a name change and is now called Kasheeva Kat Kafe (previously known as Kasheeva Kare far too many homeless people entered looking for free hookah care packages) (in my experience it's tough to find a hookah who cares-most are so jaded by the life). Shady walked in, found Woobie (his favorite belly dancer/ belly bookie) and said "Woobie! - Woobie Woobie Woobie! I need you to pierce my nipple!". To which Woobie replied "Sure you  Shady! Why is you nipple not? We make you nipple that not is! If both not then both be! We make you nipple Hole-y! You hear me say? Hole-y! Joke I make". Woobie then convulsed in a fit of laughter until she backlogged so much snot she choked to near death, passed out on the floor. So Shady drove home, ran into his garage, backed up and opened the garage door and drove in. He then stripped off his shirt and grabbed his nipple (a practiced motion if ever there was one) and shoved a screwdriver through it. The pain was immense; damn near crippiling. Shady screamed loudly and came (he is a sick fuck). After a cigarette the greedy, selfish Bastard went and nipple cuffed himself to the turkey. The drumstick is all but his. Of note, in Saudi Arabia he and the turkey are now married. Or would be if they were in Saudi Arabia. Good thing they aren't though, the turkey hates veils.

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