HOLY GOD! THE UKRAINIANS ARE COMING!

How awesome is this? This past week Ukrainians (ukrainiens?) have been flocking to my blog in droves! I freaking love the Ukrainian people! I myself am like 20% Ukrainian. The other 80% is 100%  Irish Awesomeness. Whenever I stub my toe or do something totally gay or stupid, I blame my 20% Ukrainian ass for it. I mean all over the world people tell Polish jokes (even Pollacks tell Polish jokes) but scientific studies involving hand puppets and questionnaires have repeatedly shown Ukrainians can not comprehend hand puppets (unless the hand puppet also makes use of a chalk board, colored chalk and small words). What this proves is not clear except that credit fraud in the Ukraine is probably really easy.  Also, we should probably tell more Ukrainian jokes and lay off the Poles for awhile. Aren't the Poles and Ukrainians neighbors? Why don't I ever get any Pollacks visiting my blog? Oh yeah, they're too stupid to know how to turn on a computer. You wouldn't Believe how many Pollacks it Takes to turn on a computer!

SHADY GREG GETS ASS TATTOO OF HERVE VILLECHAISZ

Shady Greg, never the brightest bulb even when compared to a burned out lamp, has perhaps gotten even stupider. Shady got drunk on Gatorade and Kuhlua (he has no sense of taste and a 3 year olds tolerance) and decided it was time for him to join the ever growing throng of people who have tattoos. So Shady staggered stupidly down the block from his home along the waterfront (he has a puddle in front of his home). Anyhow, Shady staggered down to Kasheeva Kare, an all night hooka joint where a "mon" can get anything he wants for a price. (Shady used to date a Kasheeva Kare belly dancer named Woobie who wore an eyepatch before she ran off with a queer puppiteer so he knew the secret knock to get in. It's - shave and a haircut my customer mine beback two bits.) Shady decided to get the tattoo on his ass (apparently he had a grudge against the tattoo artist). After much deliberation he chose to have a picture of Herve Villechaise ("da plane da plane") wearing a white tuxedo standing on Luke Sywalkers home planet etched onto his bottom. Why? Simply so he can tell anyone he meets that he has a tattoo of tattoo on tattoie on his ass.

C'MON CANADA YOU CAN DO IT!

This blog post goes out to all Canadians living in Canada (all hundred thousand or so) who have begun reading my blog. First, Thank You (unless you are French Canadian. I Fucking hate the French. And French Canadian is even worse. You assholes are Canadian, speak French and walk around with the Queen of England on your money. Fuck you! Make up your mind!). Secondly, as a country Canada is tied with France for number of readers (I hate the French) so if you would just bring some friends and family members to my blog you could leave France in the dust and we could tell those stupid little froggers to "Eat it and Die!" . So I say c'mon Canada you can do it!

SHADY GREG SNIFFS GLUE!

SHADY FUCKING GREG IS A GLUE SNIFFING COMMUNIST BASTARD WHO LIKES NOTHING BETTER THAN TO SNIFF GLUE AND JABBER INCESSANTLY AND COMPLAIN ABOUT NOTHING IN PARTICULAR AND ALL OF IT CRAZY. HE THEN SNEAKS OFF TO THE BACK STOCKROOM AND SNIFFS MORE GLUE AND STARTS COMPLAINING ALL OVER AGAIN. AN ENDLESS CIRCLE OF CRAZY GLUE INDUCED MADNESS FILLED WITH NEGATIVE ENERGY. THEN HE DECIDES TO FIX SOMETHING IN THE DEPARTMENT AND ONLY BREAKS IT WORSE! THEN HE SNIFFS MORE GLUE BEFORE REMOVING HIS SHOES AND PLAYING WITH HIS BIZARRE WEBBED TOES AND SNIFFING HIS FINGERS, SHAKING HIS HEAD AND SAYING "EEWWW  VINEGARY." THEN HE SNIFFS MORE GLUE.

WELCOME TO ALL MY NEW FRENCH READERS!

I am truly feeling like an international sensation now. In the past week this blog has tripled it's amount of readers from France. Unbelievable! OUI!  (Oui, is french for Si.) I am quite use to attracting a diverse crowd among my readers but for what ever reason I could not gain a stronghold in France. Well, that has certainly changed! Ever since this blogger admitted to a fondness for women with hairy armpits who don't bathe and smell like chimneys and sweat, drink to much and suffer violent mood swings-BIG RATINGS IN FRANCE! Ever since I wrote about my love for arrogant pussies who probably surrender in their sleep-BIG RATINGS IN FRANCE! And now that I admitted Jerry Lewis is a misunderstood,under appreciated comic genius-BIG RATINGS IN FRANCE! OH WAIT. I NEVER SAID ANY OF THOSE THINGS. I FUCKING HATE THE "don't fly over our air space" FUCKING FRENCH! IF I WANTED FRENCH READERS I WOULD WRITE ABOUT FUCKING MIMES AND CRUSTY BREAD AND OTHER STUPID SHIT! IF YOU ARE FRENCH STOP READING MY BLOG! GO KNEEL BEFORE THE GERMANS OR SOMETHING!  AND STOP MAKING REALLY STUPID ARTSY FARTSY MOVIES AND SENDING THEM OVER HERE! ALSO- BEER BEATS WINE! PANCAKES BEAT CREPES! AND FUCKING EVERYBODY BEATS FRANCE. FUCKING SWITZERLAND COULD KICK YOUR ASS!

SHADY GREG SMOKING CRACK!!

SHADY FUCKING GREG, the sexual role playing deviant who enjoys anal masturbation with a Miss Piggy hand puppet, has sunk to a new ALL TIME low (yes, again). Greg the Fuckwad of Ann Arbor (Official Title. He wears the button on his lapel.) has taken to flat out rooting for Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Wannabes. Shady can't stop talking about how good Bristol looks with her new plastic face. Shady also can't stop talking about how Sarah Palin should be President because she used to look at Russia out her window or something so she should be qualified for anything that comes her way but since she isn't running then maybe Bristol could be Executive Governor because she has probably seen Russia as well or at least Poland if not then at least some Polish Russians wandering around the Deli section of the freakin' supermarket. I walked away in the middle of his crazed rant to have lunch so I don't know if he ever tied it in with the Dancing show or not. Shady is an idiot. He also smokes crack. He blames the crack for the Piggy Puppet anal intrusions but not for his nonsense political beliefs or his teeth.

BRISTOL PALIN DEFENDED BY SHADY GREG!

Shady Greg, collector of Nun featured PORN, went semi-ballistic yesterday upon hearing that I think Bristol Palin is a disgrace to dancing. Turns out the Shady one is a big huge fan of the entire Palin clan. So much so that both Sarah and Bristol have restraining orders against him (Todd had one but dropped it after Greg airmailed him some cheesecake and pickled moose testicles). Even though Shady isn't allowed within a 25 mile radius of Bristol (which he claims is a simple misunderstanding over what actually constitutes "sexual misconduct in a public forum with a rubber chicken") he still loves her very much. Shady insists that when to the rest of us it appears that Bristol is "choking on sand while her body spasmodically kicks in the last stages of her death throes" she is actually "grooving accutely to professionally instructed chaos". If you haven't guessed Shady is an idiot. Despite all the evil, rotten emails I have recieved from all you pissed off Palinites I stand by my assertion that Bristol Palin can NOT FUCKING DANCE!

BRISTOL PALIN CAN'T DANCE! - WE NEED DEATH PENALTY!

So the fat dude with the beard got the boot from DWTS when everybody and their mother knows Bristol Palin should have been the one to go. This is an ongoing problem with the show. Since it is more a popularity contest than a dance contest lets have a common sense check each week before the better dancer gets sent home. So the announcer dude Tom or the big fake titted assistant with the hair can say "Hey Bristol (or whomever it is that week) you didn't get the boot but the fat dude with the beard did. Do you think that's fair?". If the shitty dancer (like Palin) answers "Yes! I do think it's fair" we go to the common sense check where the studio audience gets to vote if the fat dude with the beard should leave or should Bristol leave (or whomever it is that week). If the studio audience agrees that the shittier dancer should stay-Fine! The shittier dancer gets to stay against all common sense. In the case of Bristol Palin though, could somebody just kneecap the whore or something. Bristol Palin CAN'T DANCE!!!!