FESTIVAL PLANNED AS SHADY GREG WALKS 1,000,000 CUSTOMER!!!

So often this blog focuses on the shadier aspects of Shady Greg without pausing to look at the actual accomplishments of the man himself. Today that will change. Less than an hour ago the Shady One walked a pair of lesbians in absolutely grand fashion, and he did this, not on his home court of Appliances (where he is most comfortable at walking customers) but on the foreign soil of Lawn and Garden. Some people might think it is easier to walk someone in a department that you are not familiar with. Not true! It is actually harder for most salespeople because, we (The good salespeople) actually want the customers to have a positive experience here at Kitchens and More, we want the customer to leave happy so we go out of our way to get them the information they seek or the help they need. Not Shady Greg. No, the Shady One does not care for or about customers. Yes, he wants their money, but a pick pocket has better people skills than Greg. So when the lesbian couple stopped Greg and asked him for help it should come as no surprise that he tried to feign a heart attack. He clutched his chest, fell to his knees, and said "aarrhhhhggggg! I'm coming to join you ...What was that chicks name from Sanford and Son. You know, when Red Foxx would say ' I'm coming to join ya baby'...'This is the big one honey'...You can't remember either, eh? Oh well...Arrrrrgggghhghgg". Then his head dropped to the floor, he closed his eyes and lay there for about two minutes until one of the lesbians (The incredibly pissed off and offended lesbians) kicked him and screamed for him to get up and help them. Shady grudgingly got to his feet and said "All right. What do you need?". Lesbian #1 (Both lesbians were named Patty) said "We would like to purchase a Lawn Tractor, please". To which Greg responded "$1500 is a lot to spend for a vibrator... What? Not even a smile? OK. How about this, A lawn tractor? How about giving men a chance? Nothing? Fine. Last try. A lawn tractor? How about just using scissors? Your kind are supposed to love scissoring!".  Lesbian #2, or Patty #1, kicked Greg so hard between the legs he went from Balls to Ball (one big lumpy blue ball). The Patty's left and Shady Greg had officially walked his 1,000,000 customer. Way to go Shady.

COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE TRUE?

The latest rumour to swirl around the sales floor here at Kitchens and More is a really, really sick and twisted one. This is perhaps the grossest thing I have ever heard of, and I can only pray that it is not true. I share this  tidbit of slimy trash only because it amazes me how depraved our existence can be. Anyway brace yourselves and here goes : With their significant others out of town on Easter Sunday, Gay John and Shady Greg got together for beer and pizza (this has not been confirmed but certainly sounds believable so far). Alledgedly, around 6 pm with the Sun still blazing brightly and the better part of a case of Sam Adams drained the two perverted Sicko's decided to make a video. A video they could send in to "Americas funniest home videos". One they hoped would win them first prize. I have not seen this video. I am not positive it exists. My sources, however, are impeccable and the two degenerates in question seem likely so... The video suposedly shows Gay John remove his pants, underwear, socks, and shoes and wander outside to sit on the curb. Both Gay and Shady are said to be giggling hysterically, sipping their beers as John begins to lather his dick (yes his dick) with 100% pure honey. He then leans his head back like a sunbathing Satyr leering wildly, moaning loudly as a cute little Pekinese puppy named Fluffy (who's owned by a 7 year old Jerrys kid) licks the honey off of him and Shady yells "Stay in the frame!". Apparently this continues until Gay John yells "Heel" and, ironically enough, FACIALS a LAP DOG! Before the screen fades black Shady Greg is said to shout "Let's try peanut butter next".

SHADY GREG DUE TO GO POSTAL!

Shady Greg, that lovable lug who we all love...who am I kidding? Just because Shady Greg is losing his grip on his all ready shaky sanity and most likely will go postal any day now; I can't say we all love him. Shady Greg is of course, shady. He is also evil,despicable,sneaky,snaky,snarky,snotty, and shit speaking. Loathsome. Terrible. Backstabbing. Two faced. WOW! Sorry,  thought I was done describing Greg and I was just getting started. Smelly. Satanic. Hellish. Mud crawling. Pit loving. Sorry. Get me started and it's hard to stop. Anyhow, Shady Greg is acting crazier every day. As you all know Shady is a salesman. Most sales people expect to see customers on a daily basis. Not Greg. Not any longer. Now when a customer walks into the store (Kitchens and More here in lovely downtown *******,Mi) Greg freaks out. A lady approached Shady yesterday and he nearly jumped through the ceiling, squealing like a little girl. The woman apologized and asked Greg for help and Greg hissed (yes hissed) at her "Lady get away from me you're freaking me the fuck out! And get that snake off your foot before he swallows it!". OK Greg didn't actually say that thing about the snake but he could have. That's how crazy he is acting. It's like he doesn't see customers anymore even when they are right in front of him. Then when they speak to him he jumps and shrieks and generally just freaks out. He got so bad on Saturday that he wound up sitting in the corner of the sales floor, knees pulled up to his chest, cigarette in mouth (Greg had never smoked in his life. Now he usually has 3 or 4 going on the floor at once! Totally against the rules and all social decorum) mumbling about bats and giraffes (who the fuck ever puts bats and giraffes together except a fucking wacko?). Anyhow I figure Shady is going to walk into work any day now and just start blasting. I would like to get on his good side so that I don't get shot but it's probably too late for that. Besides, how do you get on the good side of a chain smoking, sale stealing, animal hallucinating, sweat dripping, snake hissing, recognizable wacko hiding in corners? Approach from the front, slowly, wearing subdued colors and offering Marlboro's? What the Hell. Worth a shot. A try.. worth a try!

SHADY GREG VOTES FOR HIMSELF ON DWTS!

Shady Greg, in a pathetic attempt to make something of his life, has begun voting for himself on Dancing with the Stars. It may have dawned on some of you that Shady Greg is not a star, is not a has been, is not even a might have been. Shady is not on DWT-FUCKING-S because Shady is a never gonna be. Shady was on stage once in his life. He was nine. He played a tree. The tree did not move. The tree did not speak. The tree just stood there. More accurately, the tree was just supposed to stand there. The tree moved. The tree moved to the front of the stage. The tree peed its trunk. Everyone laughed. After 17 years of fruitless therapy Shady has changed that humiliating childhood memory to a positive. He now remembers that moment fondly. He now tells the story as if he was supposed to pee his bark. He says it was to demonstrate the need for watering your lawn. There wasn't even supposed to be a tree in the stupid play since it was called "Me and my body". Shady simply could not remember his line for being an amino acid. His line was "I am a amino acid. I am important to digestion." To stupid to remember that, and with the school rule that all children must have a part in the play, the teacher made Greg a tree. He made himself a self watering tree. Now Shady sits at home, in the dark, rubber gloves and lotion on the table beside him, and watches DWTS. He pretends Edyta Slavinski is his partner (She is no longer on the show. So Shady gets to design her outfits. In his mind.). Shady and Edyta dance and dance and then they make love. Len gives them a five. Carrie Ann, however, gives them a ten. Bruno masturbates. Greg and Carrie Ann make love. Then Greg and Len have make up sex. Len criticizes Greg for poor posture but scores it a seven (one point having been deducted for "too short a routine"). Then Greg gets online ands votes for himself. He votes for himself roughly a hundred times a night. Basically, just emailing the DWTS website hoping against hope that a producer from the show will call him and say "Due to overwhelming demand we must have you on the show". Then Greg watches the nightly news, and strangely, he votes for himself.

GAY FREAKIN' JOHN BACKSTABS IN THE WALLET!

Gay John, the pathetic putrid poppet of pansy personification, has hammered heavily, hitting hip level at my wallet. The former Mr. Nice Guy has turned evil. With no sense of humor, Gay John decided to do a return of a $170 battery charger against me. Why? So that I would lose my commission! Even more dastardly is the FACT that this was an even exchange. That means had it all been done under my sales number I would lose nothing. John did it under his number in an attempt to steal money. However, because Gay John has the mental capacity of a hamster he didn't realize two important things : 1.) I am too smart to be had by a smiling swindler smarmily schmoozing suckers who's supposedly shooting straightforward so he successfully sinks sweeties suckered by shit-talking smoothies singing sour sap. 2.) He does not make commission! Stealing from me is merely spiteful.
OK sorry. He had an excuse. He pleaded stupidity to me and I believe him. So Ignore above post.

JOVIAL JOHN ASKS FOR CORRECTIONS!

Jovial John, the upbeat mongoloid manager, has asked yours truly to please make some corrections to erroneous information that he feels has portrayed him unfairly on this very website. Being forthright, honest, and proud of the integrity of this blog, I immediately agreed to clear up any misconceptions I may have placed in the minds of my readers. First, John has asked that I clear the air on his "jovialness". He feels the word jovial is not accurate. Gay would be a better word. Not in the homosexual way but in the Fred Flinstone (who he resembles) gay old time way. So in keeping with this request I shall only refer to him as Gay John from here on out (except for the rare occasions when Cocksucker would work better). Secondly, Gay John does not feel he looks like he has Downes Syndrome. Perhaps that was a poor descriptive choice on my part. As noted, he does resemble Fred Flinstone but only slightly. GJ (Gay John) looks more like 1/4 Yogi Berra mixed with Fred Flinstones' face on Yogi Bears ass with a dash of Pillsbury Dough Boy spliced with the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man swirled with the old school charm of the banjo player form Deliverance and Will Ferrels chin. Hopefully, this is a much better, more accurate, and on target description of Gay John than was previously provided. Thirdly, Gay John felt insulted when I wrote that the tuba section is where band sends anyone to stupid for kazoo. Apparently, most marching bands do not actually utilize kazoo players and even if they did they would not, automatically, be considered any smarter than the average tuba player. In fact, many marching band tuba players grow up and become useful members of society (please do not ask for examples as I have none. Though the law of averages dictates that there must be one). Fourthly, Gay John wants it known by all that he is in a wonderful, loving relationship with an extraordinary woman who loves him mind, body and soul. For those of you who think I am about to make a snarky comment on what kind of woman would love the Gay One you are wrong. I firmly believe John is deserving of a fantastic relationship with a loving, good hearted woman and I am ecstatic that he feels he has found one. I am also positive that in 16 years when she makes parole they will be forever happy together.

SICK SHADY GREG PUSSES OUT EVEN FOR A KNOWN PUSSY!

The Shady One, well known for being a big time pussy, sunk even lower on the flaming pussy meter landing just beneath "the Donald Duck dressed Elton John ".For what, you may ask. Allow me to enlighten you. The Shady One ( now also known as the pussy who gets ass banged by girls ) decided to ONCE AGAIN call off from work. This time, because he couldn't bring himself to missing even one minute of the Dancing with the Stars results show; told his employers that he had sniffles. The fucking Snufalupagus gets sniffles. Real men get gunshot wounds or some other sort of manly disease or something. Not the fucking sniffles! And not because of Dancing with the fucking wannabe stars! Besides, it's no secret Martina Navratilova is getting bumped tonight. Pussy!